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  1. #1
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    Unhappy Judging who is good for you and who is not

    Hi all,

    Just recently I got myself out of a messy situation with a group of friends that I once placed in very high regards, I am still in the process of recovering from the feelings of rejection, betrayal, and emptiness.

    And that brought me to think... am I just bad at judging people's characters?

    Usually when I meet somebody I get a "sense" of that person..a certain intuition associated with him/her. This "sense" incorporates all those elements in a personality like maturity, fun, warmth, and depth, etc. And I do get negative vibes from people too, for example, if I get a sense that the person is a show-off, know-it-all, that's an immediate deal breaker and I will actively create a situation where only superficial interchanges are possible between us. Other negative vibes don't bother me as much.

    I have always thought of myself as a mind-reader capable of providing insights into a person's inner-most characteristics. But I realized, with those few that I especially care about (whether it be close friends or a boyfriend), I ignore the negative signals altogether.

    So far I've only had a 2-year relationship and a 2 month hookup (both a miserable failure at the end). My ex in the 2-year relationship was definitely not known as the nice person, in fact he annoyed and got onto people's nerves all the times. I wanted things to go somewhere with my hookup, but he had so many problems himself and was so ill, I should have expected it when he lied to my face and tossed me out the window in favor of the next girl.

    The signs were there all along that they were not a good match for me. But with both of them I kept on focusing on their good attributes, while turning a blind eye on their shortcomings, convincing myself that those flaws (in my opinion) that I notice are only inconsequential...when in fact they are NOT!!! Only after I get my heart broken that I realize how big of a factor their character flaw contributed to the dysfunctional relationship, but by then it's too late because I am already hurt (and still attached).

    I want to learn how I can recognize early in the development in the relationship that there are some fundamental character flaws in this person that I will not be able to tolerate, so I do not have to become so attached and care so much about the person in futility. I want to be able to identify whether this person is a good person or a bad person (for me), because once I become attached, I can convince myself to overlook pretty much any flaws in their characters, and only be able to analyze where it went wrong in retrospect (and get hurt).

    Any thoughts?

  2. #2
    Phantonym
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    There is no way of determining that, not really. Not much of a help but hindsight is always 50-50. Things might turn out fantastic even though it initially seems that the person is flawed to such a degree that it would never work. Being with a good person for you doesn't automatically mean that you are the good person for him/her and that's where things go wrong. Life happens.

  3. #3
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Learn to recognize insecurity in its various forms. It usually either manifests itself as wimpy and passive or as controlling, distant and push/pull-y. There are many other signs as well, but they nearly always lead to a bad relationship and poor behaviour. Sometimes what looks like confidence isn't. The deciding factor is whether you can see the person ever be vulnerable - express sadness, admit they're wrong, initiate getting conflict resolved etc. If they can't, it's not true confidence and will lead to you getting hurt, yet still coming back for more.

  4. #4
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    Ur ENFJ. Nuf Said.
    It's called living and learning. How old r u anyway?

    Most relationships (only roughly 90%) are unconscious and driven by the Me's in the heads of the people in them. If you can learn to realize this in yourself, you may be able to see it others, too.
    Best of luck.

  5. #5
    Glycerine
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    If someone annoys almost everyone, that's a HUGE red flag. *shudders* That tends to mean the person is not aware of himself or others. I am just AMAZED that you could put up w/ someone like that... you are brave.

  6. #6
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    You only find out the vehemence of the hatred after the fact though.

  7. #7
    Glycerine
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    Oh ok. thats a good point. For me, that's like the first thing I tend to notice about someone because that's like my biggest pet peeve. Most people I've disliked are people that others didn't care for. You should go w/ your gut and try not to talk yourself out of it. For example, I will get a really bad first vibe from someone and keep trying to find examples to counteract the feeling. In the end, I almost always go back to my first impression of the person. I have actually done that a few times on this forum. I get a bad vibe about a forum member and then they get temp-banned or perma-banned within a few weeks.

  8. #8
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    I'm going to relate a lot of this to ENFJ-ness, although it can apply otherwise.

    It is in us to spot the potential in others and try to nourish it. This is even more apparent if we really start to care for someone or get involved with them. They may not be up to par, but you may damned well see it in them!
    That makes for wear and tear.

    Then there is being very big on putting forth for others, especially when we care. An ENFJ will typically support someone until they can no longer breathe anymore. There's so much that we can give that we can forget all of the room we leave for problems to arise toward us. This has another thing to do with that potential we see, it will distract us from an incoming blow and we won't know to expect it.

    In my case, i tend to think that i am invincible to someone's issues and can overlook them because 'oh they'll never be turned toward me!' While it's nice to think that, it can easily be the opposite case. If you are in it, then you are certainly not standing on the sidelines. If you care too much, you'll lose sight of how you're smack dab in the middle of someone's line of fire (pew pew pew).
    -

    It's easy to look out for and you're probably already aware of it all a lot of the time. The difficult part is determining when to stop standing close enough to suffer from shrapnel. I'd say you should consider how you would handle an average person that you aren't very attached to. How would you handle them? How much benefit of the doubt would they get? How much damage would you allow? Apply that to the people you do care about, but perhaps with a tad more tenderness.

    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    Ur ENFJ. Nuf Said.
    I'll give you this one
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]


    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

  9. #9
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    I guess it would depend on what your values are, what you want in life, and who you envision having in it?

    The way that I choose my closest friends and potential dating mates is through observing *how* they treat others, not just anybody, but people, in general.

    I also like to look at 'intentions' as an indicator. Do they do things out of benefit for primarily themselves (sure, people can argue that altruism has an element of selfishness, but that also borders on semantics, so whatever). Basically, do they treat others with kindness, because they truly are genuine? Are they respectful towards you? Is the relationship mutual? Balanced? Stuff like that..

    Also, sometimes, with friends as we get older we drift apart.. we start dating, getting married, having kids, etc. so the separation slowly starts and is inevitable. Now, if your friends were backstabbers, then that's a different story. I think looking at their overall level of integrity is most helpful for me. How they treat others is a good indicator of how they will treat the friendship/relationship. From my observations.

  10. #10
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    What Kiddykat said.

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