You can tell if they genuinely like you because if you act receptive, they will go out of their way to spend time alone with you. Although I think both E and INFJs can be Feish and socially polite, if they don't sense that you are going to be closer than that, they probably won't spend a lot of one on one time.
I second that. If I really like somebody I will initiate the contact to hang out. I will want to keep things moving between us. If you're just like everybody else that I'm nice to, I will be nice to you when I talk to you, but when you ask me to hang out, I will be more selfish with my time/may come up with some believable excuse to bail me out because I do not like to wast/expense my energy on somebody who's not on my priority list. I do it in a nice/charming way that doesn't offend anybody, of course :-)
You have already received many wonderful insights that I heartily agree with. Just the fact that you are taking the time to do this affords you great respect in my mind because, as others have pointed out, we desire for people to want to understand and appreciate us, people who wish to learn how to live with us harmoniously. So, I am sure your mission is just the coolest thing to most of the INFJs here! If this is the attitude that you have toward your xNFJ friends then you are already doing great!
Originally Posted by copperfish17
So, how would one tell between an E/INFJ who's "just being nice/friendly" and an E/INFJ who genuinely likes you? I cannot differentiate between the two very well. I did get a vague sense of how I should go about doing this from several posts on this thread, but I'd like to see more detail in this particular area.
There certainly is a difference for us between the "being nice/friendly" and the active pursuit of knowing someone. Here I can only reinforce what others have said. If I am drawn to you in the latter manner then I will actively make myself available to you. It may be hard for me at times to do more than that if I'm not sure how you will react to something more upfront, but if I really want to develop a deeper relationship with you then I will overcome this and actively try to engage with you in one on one situations. One on one interaction is very important for the INFJ. For me, personally, I would even be tempted to say that I am incapable of getting to know someone in a group setting. At least I cannot get to know them in the way I would like to in that context.
So, initiate one on one interaction with your NFJ's or if you find that they are pursuing this kind of time with you, do let them have it. Engage openly and honestly and you will get much trust and love (platonic or otherwise) in return!
It's not that they won't talk. It's just that they need to know the other person cares about it. They also don't want to be overemotional in front of the other person or not have an accurate assessment of the situation before starting to talk. The more unsure they feel of the other person's reaction to their feelings, the more time it will take them to get talking. However, they also really dislike unresolved conflict, so it's not going to last forever like that.
So, how would one tell between an E/INFJ who's "just being nice/friendly" and an E/INFJ who genuinely likes you? I cannot differentiate between the two very well.
[*]If they talk to you because you're there, closest person to interact with, then they're probably just being friendly. They probably like you, but not in a 'deep bond' kind of way.
[*]If they go out of their way to interact with you, such as by specifically sitting next to you so that you can talk, then they like you.
[*]If they want to know any and all details of your life and your views on things, then they really like you.
[*]If they share those details back with you, then they definitely like you.
[*]If they go out of their way to resolve disagreements, then they value the bond that you have developed.
But about that last one, they sometimes withdraw when hurt rather than cause a drama. They'll be processing what's going on, and might need you to reach out first and ask why they're upset.
Yeah, I think I can relate to these points, but for myself, the one I put in the huge font size is most telling.... If I give rather short, succinct answers without going too in-depth or being too revealing about myself, then it's more of a polite/friendly conversation. If I'm really wanting to develop a deeper relationship, I'll elaborate a lot more because I really want to share of myself and want to try to let the other person in. Basically, I'll be a lot more open if I genuinely want to develop a friendship.
"...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce
You can tell if they genuinely like you because if you act receptive, they will go out of their way to spend time alone with you. Although I think both E and INFJs can be Feish and socially polite, if they don't sense that you are going to be closer than that, they probably won't spend a lot of one on one time. I think ENFJs are more likely to go over for a party and just take things at face value for what they are than INFJs, but most usually persue closeness on a one on one level.
Sharing any more personal information is also an opportunity for you to either respond by asking questions (therefore saying you want to understand them better), or go on (in which case they'll be quite pleasant, but will conclude that you don't want to be close to them in that sense.) I think both only really open up when they feel the person has taken time to understand them and can handle the other sides of their personality. INFJs especially seem to need enough interaction/observation time to determine what your most likely responses would be in various situations before they will trust you completely (again, dislike of unpleasant emotional surprises).
+1000 ENFJ: if they even bother to remember any of your conversations with them, then they like you at least somewhat. I have had many somewhat involved conversations w/ people and I forget most of them. I know how to get someone to talk about something I could care less about for several hours. lol Ex. sharks, accounting, how there was still racism in the Western world in Einstein's time, computer programming, how psychology on the east coast is evil.
^^ Agree 100% and relate COMPLETELY to what Pitseleh and Cascedeo said.
A newer INTJ friend of mine recently asked me this exact question recently.
We have been hanging out a rediculous amount of time recently with completely effortless conversations for hours. His question was, "I can tell you're friendly and connect with anybody on some level. How do I know this is not just how you are around everyone new you meet?"
It's very obvious to me of course... but...
We connect significantly more on an intellectual level, can talk for hours about theories, ideas, meanings behind stuff, and all kinds of Ni stuff.
I'm going out of my way to spend time with this person... When the ENFJ has an extremely packed busy life, and they forgo other obligations to simply hang out for hours...
As said before, I open up pieces alot more of my own personal life, as I feel comfortable. Stuff I normally wouldn't bother telling anyone.
I am comfortable saying completely random funny things that come to my head, which may go against the whole classy mature persona/identity I hold.
I'm comfortable voicing my opinion even it's non cool or weird in the eyes of the listener. (ENFJs have a very specific self identity of course, but we tend to avoid topics of controversy because get so much enjoyment from connecting and relating to people. This one in particular is very difficult to achieve.)
On a side note... I have had some very interesting self discovery recently about how much my interests and activities have been affected by those I was around and dating. Ie, there are all kinds of things I've wanted to go to or try for years but haven't because the people I was around didn't like those. I feel so free to be single and finally realizing in part how much control I have over who I can be.
Those who are content being normal lack the depth and passion to rise above mediocracy.
To push beyond their natural abilities and create a reality from their dreams.
I make friends easily, which stands in stark contrast to the frustratingly long wait/examination process that romantic interests must endure. I seem open and allowing, but that's just with friends. Anything past that is guarded by vicious dogs and porcupines.
When I was younger, I used to feel guilty about that, especially when people would say to me how "mean" or "difficult" I was. It hurt when I heard that. I wonder sometimes why I wasn't more able to rebuff it, seeing as it was such a lie compared to how kind and affectionate I was with my friends.
As I grew older, I learned what was what and began to deeply resent such accusations, and immediately execute the person offering up such slander of my character. After all, such people are merely agents acting in their own interest. Attempting to shame me into anything gets you a swift and wordless boot to the butt. Now, I just laugh when called mean or difficult and take it as a compliment and a sure sign of their own projected inability to subdue me.
A silly thing. Something I can't comprehend. Really, I'm quite squishy on the inside. That's why the Obstacle Course is in place. Can't have the riffraff muddying the silk rugs and wiping their mouths on the moire curtains, can we.
eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
AIS Holland code