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  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I've found that some ENFJs despite being very warm to others are kind of private people. Is that by choice, or is it that others don't tend to take the initiative to dig more? Would you resent gentle digging?
    How about I put it this way? Being warm is a default mood when we deal with other people, it's like a coat that we put on. Maybe it's a subconscious choice, because when I'm being warm at others I don't have to direct my attention to myself, which usually results in some introspective/sullen mood. I have a feeling that others, especially if they are introverts, will see that and take it at face value, and be satisfied with interacting with the warm ENFJ. But I myself would actually appreciate it if somebody took notice of the coat and offer to take it off for me. So no, it's actually a great benchmark in relationship if somebody wants to dig a bit deeper into me.

  2. #52
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    I really like all the responses in here. Gaining insight into others like me is always welcome.

    How can I show an E/INFJ that I care about/love him/her?

    Like Toonia mentioned, listening is really important when I need to be heard. It's a way of learning how I operate, and it's also a way to build my trust. I glean a lot of personal information from open conversation - not just content or words, but body language, spontaneous reactions, tone, humor, etc. Building my trust through "every day" contact is non-negotiable.

    Never dismiss my feelings on subjects of passion. If something has me fired up, even when it's apparent that I'm in the grip, be kind and let me rattle to a halt. My ENFP twin has become adept at this over the years. You don't have to dart me out of the tree - usually I climb down slowly, crying (if upset) or hissing/spitting (if angry) and sit next to you, but only when I know I won't be hit over the head with judgment. My twin will tell me what has to happen, and because she allowed me to let it all hang out, I listen to her.

    I have yet to experience that kind of almost child-like openness with anyone in a romantic relationship. I fear I may be seeing the first and last of such a thing, and I suppose I should be very grateful to experience it at all.

    Telling anyone what has to happen kindly in love (even if that love means a swift kick to the behind) is the only way to build trust and to show you aren't an opportunistic vengeful person to your loved one.


    What are some specific things that I can do or say to "love" an E/INFJ?

    You'll know after spending some time with me.


    How much verbal/non-verbal affection do E/INFJ's want/need?

    I don't like tons of it. I like it to take me off guard. With my ISTP best friend, I appreciated how he could stand next to me in an independent way but also managing to make me feel like a unit at the same time. At a time when people and circumstances were crushing the life out of me, he just stood by and waited for me to ask for his help instead of imposing. He made his care for me known by his presence and his tacit willingness to help when called on.

    With my ESFP best friend, it's her warmth, hugs and her ability to ground me. I have terrible trouble with grounding myself. She makes things way less scary. With my ENTJ best friend, it's the mutual understanding, her automatic willingness to climb down into the hole with me, and her instinctive love of my fierce nature. Being ferocious doesn't faze her. We have that in common.

    I liked the way my ENTP ex-bf would sit/stand really close to me in this very nonchalant manner like I didn't notice what he was doing. To feel his chest against my back, or his arm mostly around me just enough where I could play with his hands was really nice.

    How can you tell if an E/INFJ likes you?

    Oh you'll KNOW. I'll call you by name. Smile. Even if you're across the street, I'll shout a hello and wave. I'll threaten to call you. I'll threaten to come over and vacuum out your car. I'll make friends with your pets who will then turn on you and take you hostage at my command. Yes, even the goldfish.

    There was a poker-faced ISTP boy at my college that I used to verbally spar with. Utterly hilarious. Wittily gouging each other in the eye became the draw for everyone at the student body meetings where he and I were both "senators" for our respective divisions. I even pushed his car (with him in it, standing on the brakes) across a parking lot with my truck. Good times.

    But when I found out through the grapevine that his dad was very very sick and in the hospital, I went out the same day with my twin sister and we bought a beautiful purple African violet plant. I don't know if anyone else does this, but down South you give violets to sick people as a sign of healing. I've gotten my share of violets over time, and given then. When I gave him the violets and explained the meaning, his face flushed and he couldn't look at me anymore. Atypically, he was at a loss for words. We wanted very much for his dad to be all right, so we showed it, even in a small way.

    I know how important it would be to me for someone to go out of their way to show me a sign that they were tuned in to what matters to me most. Knowing the right words to say or the way to respond is everything, not just to me, but to everyone.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  3. #53
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lasdf23 View Post
    How about I put it this way? Being warm is a default mood when we deal with other people, it's like a coat that we put on. Maybe it's a subconscious choice, because when I'm being warm at others I don't have to direct my attention to myself, which usually results in some introspective/sullen mood. I have a feeling that others, especially if they are introverts, will see that and take it at face value, and be satisfied with interacting with the warm ENFJ. But I myself would actually appreciate it if somebody took notice of the coat and offer to take it off for me. So no, it's actually a great benchmark in relationship if somebody wants to dig a bit deeper into me.
    Indeed.

    Anyone who cares enough to get out of the groovy waiting room with the snacks and music into the Big Show where the blue guardians of the Oracle from The Neverending Story that will shoot bolts from their eyes if they sense your insecurity with their domain, I think those people are crazy.

    If you have the power to get by me in that manner, you hold the keys to the kingdom. I'm not kidding. God speed, intrepid challenger. May you see naught but my closed eyes. Seeing me in all of my moody NFJ effulgence and wrack, and being unfazed, that's huge.

    But it's not all about those who dare. Daring alone won't get you through. There's a path and a method and at the final crossing, a shibboleth that only those who "get" me will know. Otherwise, it's back into the party atmosphere for you.

    Like ProteanMix said, the waiting room is a great place. Look, Oreos and Strip Twister!
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  4. #54
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    It's so good to hear from ENFJs about stuff like this! Keep it coming!

  5. #55
    The Memes Justify the End EcK's Avatar
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    Are we talking technics and accessories?

  6. #56
    Member decided's Avatar
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    Okay, from my own personal perspective as an INFJ...

    • Be witty and playful, it helps to bring them out of their shell. Once they trust you, they'll open up a lot.
    • If they're sharing their favourite things with you, and venting to you at the end of a bad day, then you're trusted. This is a Big Deal, even if they don't say so.
    • Listen to them when they're talking. Properly attend to the points they make, try to take conversation deeper. Because chances are, they're only scratching the surface of what they're thinking.
    • When they need to vent, don't push them away. Be supportive, help them calm down, give them your honest opinion... gently but firmly.
    • Notice their quirks, and say that you're proud to know them.
    • Share them with others, don't fight over them. Let them have their own space... but don't abandon them. I'm sorry, this is really contradictory. I guess you should be consistent but not overbearing.
    • Do your utmost to understand them from their perspective, but also share your insights about them. The mind-flip will be curiously fascinating to them.
    • Give them personalised gifts. Make them things. Suggest things they might like. Share things with them.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  7. #57
    Senior Member nynesneg's Avatar
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    The biggest thing for me as an ENFJ.... (at the moment anyway)

    Have the patience and desire to pull me out of my shell. Bear with me here for a minute, I'm very outgoing and friendly and with lots of friends. People say I'm generally liked by just about everyone.

    BUT it's extremely rare for me to feel comfortable sharing my whole inner world with anybody. (ie, dreams, self doubt, inner passion, and on and on!!) As an INxx, you have an extraordinary ability at this. Just show me you truly are interested and want to hear everything I have to say when I drop pieces of my past or what I'm thinking. Show me how you can identify with my quirks and how I view the world. Make me feel genuinely understood.

    Difficult to explain without going into abstract terms...

    3w2


    Those who are content being normal lack the depth and passion to rise above mediocracy.
    To push beyond their natural abilities and create a reality from their dreams.

  8. #58
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    How can you tell if an INFJ likes you? They just are available and around a lot. In romantic situations they become "aggressively available" as Synarch puts it, just conveniently being where you may bump into them, yet not appearing to be initiating any kind of contact. They are very receptive though.

    You really know that you are in with an INFJ if they share much of who they are with you (means they trust you not to stomp all over that) and if they bring up negative feelings or have conflict with you (means you are worth the effort to get things back to the way they should be and they feel you care enough to work through the conflict). If they hold you to higher standards than other people, that's also a good sign that you are very important to them.

  9. #59
    Senior Member copperfish17's Avatar
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    Trying to digest all these super awesome insights... My personal thanks to everyone who posted here!

    Hmm... so it seems like both ENFJ and INFJ have this... exterior facade that hides what they hold inside. I know this holds true for everyone to some degree, but it seems like a particularly significant trait of NFJ's.

    So, how would one tell between an E/INFJ who's "just being nice/friendly" and an E/INFJ who genuinely likes you? I cannot differentiate between the two very well. I did get a vague sense of how I should go about doing this from several posts on this thread, but I'd like to see more detail in this particular area.

    Wry @ my inability to read people. Enneagram 5's don't cope well with gut feelings/natural instincts... sigh! (So please don't tell me to go just along with my instincts! There's nothing wrong with the advice, but it just won't "work" for me, per se. My INTP-Enneagram-5-ness avoids instinct like a plague.)

    Thanks again everyone for your wonderful insights!
    Last edited by copperfish17; 03-18-2010 at 10:57 AM. Reason: Clarity +++
    Enneagram: 5w4 5-9-2 (5w4 9w1 2w1) sp/so

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  10. #60
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    You can tell if they genuinely like you because if you act receptive, they will go out of their way to spend time alone with you. Although I think both E and INFJs can be Feish and socially polite, if they don't sense that you are going to be closer than that, they probably won't spend a lot of one on one time. I think ENFJs are more likely to go over for a party and just take things at face value for what they are than INFJs, but most usually persue closeness on a one on one level.

    Sharing any more personal information is also an opportunity for you to either respond by asking questions (therefore saying you want to understand them better), or go on (in which case they'll be quite pleasant, but will conclude that you don't want to be close to them in that sense.) I think both only really open up when they feel the person has taken time to understand them and can handle the other sides of their personality. INFJs especially seem to need enough interaction/observation time to determine what your most likely responses would be in various situations before they will trust you completely (again, dislike of unpleasant emotional surprises).

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