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  1. #91
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    That's what happens when you notice it . I think a lot of people take it as face value and move along. Once you notice it and turn more attention to the enfj, you'll see all of the gaps.
    It's a pretty great tactic in a way. We are skilled at keeping the focus off of ourselves so it distracts people from recognizing what we leave out. We read people really well, which can make us more capable of masking our own obviousness in being read by others.

    Unless of course someone takes the effort of learning alot about you even before you two exchange a single word.

  2. #92
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antisocial one View Post
    Unless of course someone takes the effort of learning alot about you even before you two exchange a single word.
    I would imagine that to be difficult, but such things are possible. I'm going to call that stalkability and it makes my spidey senses all happy and tingly.
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  3. #93
    Senior Member nynesneg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by copperfish17 View Post
    Interesting... so what do you E/INFJs have to say about being described as secretive (in general)? Is this an accurate claim to make? Why do you feel inclined to "hide" your inner self from people? Is it some sort of paranoia, perhaps (as in you're afraid others might use your "soft side" against you)? Is it just because you like keeping to yourself (which certainly is true for myself)?


    I agree with what Unkindloving said. Also another reason came up in discussion the other day with a friend. Still exploring this, as it's somewhat subconscious...

    Often even if I'm comfortable with someone, I don't volunteer a lot of personal information in conversation. Even if the other person it talking about all kinds of things about themselves. Most the time it seems like what I'd have to say would be slightly irrelevant information, details they don't need to know, and I honestly don't think other people are interested in hearing half the personal details or stories that were only funny to me. But apparently it's otherwise. So I just thrive like a plant soaking up water if someone has the patience/desire to draw these things out of me.
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  4. #94
    Senior Member copperfish17's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    I would imagine that to be difficult, but such things are possible. I'm going to call that stalkability and it makes my spidey senses all happy and tingly.
    So, should I start stalking me ENFJ today? Just kidding!

    Quote Originally Posted by nynesneg View Post
    Often even if I'm comfortable with someone, I don't volunteer a lot of personal information in conversation. Even if the other person it talking about all kinds of things about themselves. Most the time it seems like what I'd have to say would be slightly irrelevant information, details they don't need to know, and I honestly don't think other people are interested in hearing half the personal details or stories that were only funny to me. But apparently it's otherwise. So I just thrive like a plant soaking up water if someone has the patience/desire to draw these things out of me.
    Simply put: ENFJ's appreciate it when other people make an effort to get to know them on a personal level. Gotcha!

    Excerpts from PersonalityPage:

    ENFJ

    Since relationships are central to the ENFJ's life, they will be very "hands on" and involved with their intimate relationships. They may be in the habit of constantly asking their partner how they're doing, what they're feeling, etc. This behavior may be a bit smothering, but it also supports a strong awareness of the health (or illness) of the relationship.

    The ENFJ looks forward to intimacy as an opportunity to express love and caring. The ENFJ is generally very interested in the happiness and satisfaction of their partner. Because they achieve much of their personal satisfaction from making others happy, they're likely to be skilled lovers. Like other Judgers, the ENFJ is likely to follow a schedule for intimacy, and may be prone to becoming routinized. For the ENFJ, the most important aspect of a relationship is the affirmation of love and affection.

    Although the ENFJ will probably not ask for it, they need to be given sweet words and loving affirmation. Since they are so externally focused on serving people, they do not always pay attention to their own needs. Since much of their personal satisfaction comes from bringing happiness to others, they're able to ignore their own needs and still be happy much more easily than other types. However, if they focus entirely on giving without doing some taking, they may find themselves in an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship. They need to work on being aware of their needs, and being OK with verbalizing those needs to their partners.

    ---

    INFJ

    INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

    But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

    ---

    I would like to investigate the validity of the underlined descriptions.

    Discuss, por favor!
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  5. #95
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sky is BLUE! View Post
    Being an INFJ, some things that "work" for me in the whole "not romantic love department":

    Share yourself, don't withdraw because that makes me withdraw as well. Listen to what I'm saying because at that time, it is important to me to say it. You don't have to agree, just pay attention. Share the things that make you happy because that shows me you trust me and feel comfortable around me.

    It's really nice when people remember little details that I've shared with them because that shows me that they do care enough about me to really listen.

    This might be just me but anything excessive about verbal/nonverbal affection freezes me right up. It's kind of embarrassing and seems like it's fake even when it's not. Little gestures like asking about something you know I like to do regularly, or what interests me in depth. Showing interest also shows that you care about me and what makes me happy.

    Be honest, show yourself as you really are, don't break the trust, stick around but don't try to smother and don't try too hard.

    All that creates a nice comfortable atmosphere and neither of us has to worry about taking some extra special measures to show that we care.

    You can probably tell that an INFJ likes you when they keep coming back to you. When they start avoiding you, you know that something is up.

    Good luck with everything!
    I found this really helpful. Thank you for this post!
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  6. #96
    Senior Member nynesneg's Avatar
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    They need to work on being aware of their needs, and being OK with verbalizing those needs to their partners.
    Holy crap! Analyzing life and philosophy with a friend the other day and they pointed out to me that it's a natural weakness I need to work on. So I have been contemplating this. Noticed I don't really even take my needs into consideration most of the time, I'm so busy making the other person happy.

    I completely didn't realize it was a point on the type description...
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  7. #97
    Junior Member NightSkyGirl's Avatar
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    INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them.
    This is true on some levels. As an INFJ female I can tell you that there's been very many times when I can sense what someone is feeling/thinking without being told and more often than not I've been right.

    the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it.
    This is also true. I find that I'm a very private person in real life and I only share certain things with a few close friends whom I can trust. It is difficult for me to be open, I suppose because I'm a very sensitive individual and I'm always afraid of getting hurt.

    INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring.
    I think this is also true. There's been times when I haven't been able to see my friends for long periods of times due to some issues I've been experiencing and I'm suprised that they are still willing to be there for me now. They say that I've demonstrated being a true friend and done things for them that no one else has, so they stand by me even when I'm going through tough times.

    They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well.
    As an INFJ female I can say that I'm very much a peacemaker and unnecessary conflict stresses me too much, so I tend to avoid it as much as possible. I like getting along with people and I generally don't have any trouble with that.

    They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.
    This is true for me. I've actually become physically ill when having to deal with lots conflict with people I truly care about. I have a tendency to blame myself and wonder what I did wrong(even if it wasn't my fault) and this puts a lot of pressure on me. It's really quite hard on me since I like making people feel good and I don't do so well when confronted with too much stress.

    Hope this helps.
    "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

  8. #98
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NightSkyGirl View Post
    This is true on some levels. As an INFJ female I can tell you that there's been very many times when I can sense what someone is feeling/thinking without being told and more often than not I've been right.
    ...
    As an INFJ female I can say that I'm very much a peacemaker and unnecessary conflict stresses me too much, so I tend to avoid it as much as possible. I like getting along with people and I generally don't have any trouble with that.
    I feel very sensitive to what I depict as vibes people give off. This can cause me to really resent the inconsiderate negative people or the gloom merchants who spread disagreeableness in an aggressive way. The ones that I'm forced to interact with and behave in that way for attention and are rewarded really bother me. I want to make a distinction because I do not resent people who are going through tough times or look like they are down in the dumps or need someone to hear them. In fact I have much compassion for them. I like to get along. But unfortunately I have found there is some behavior I can't abide. Its not because I'm intolerant, but I think its because I am so sensitive.

    I know its so trendy now to say, "I hate drama" and all that, but I have doorslammed people for consistently starting fights or being toxic to otherwise completely harmonious relationships (usually they're this way because of personal insecurities/immaturity) in circumstances when it would have been much easier for me to just play along with their little game. But I cannot deal with toxic sorts like this. Its too disturbing to me psychically and spiritually. I would rather walk a lonely road then walk in their group.

    Sorry if this has gone off-topic. To bring it back around to the OP, here is my advice: in order to love your INFJ do not subject them to this kind of constant fighting/dramarama
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  9. #99
    Senior Member nynesneg's Avatar
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    So here's another more personal-to-me spin on the OP's question. I'm pretty sure a teammate of mine at school is an INFJ. We've seen each other every day and worked together for the past 8 months. I know she considers me a friend on some level.

    However I'd love to get to know her as a better personal friend, and I can see a lot of areas where we could connect. But she is always so high strung and stressed out with her projects. She is ridiculously hard on the details and herself, and worries more about being fair to each person in the group than anybody. I love this girl though, and can relate to a lot of these things myself she just seems perhaps not perfectly healthy at the moment or something. Anyway. My point is. It's difficult to get to know her - anytime I invite her to interact outside of school she has her finicky personal life. And when personal topics come up, she doesn't really let you in even if you try. I particularly had an opportunity for this recently with breaking up with my bf... and she initially swore to be a great friend but was wrapped up in her personal wishes/life.

    How can I get to know her better? Get her to slow down and realize she can be comfortable with me opening up, and I'm genuinely interested in getting to know her? I am somewhat natural at this as an ENFJ, but still want to hear some perspectives from other INFJs on this woman.
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  10. #100
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    nynesneg, I wonder if your teammate is so drained from the demanding project schedule and interacting at school, that is why she is being so reclusive. I'm sorry she wasn't more supportive of you during your recent hard time, but sometimes we can't even simply listen without getting invested and drawn into your emotion. For her it might have been just too much. My advice is don't pry. Sometimes talking about surface things is easier. Once she realizes you truly listen, she may share small tidbits. Another thing, if you come off as petty, like mocking other people, spreading rumors, she might think you aren't trustworthy with her personal info and my edit what she shares with you. What about starting off the relationship through correspondence? Would that be too odd? I mean emailing her/social network msg (if shes into it) instead of phone calls. Then she could process you on her time, not have to react instantaneously like on the phone or in person off-campus and she may open up in kind. Just some ideas. Hope they help.
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