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  1. #1
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    Default ENTP wants to get shy people to open up.

    I figure I'd post this on the NF forums because NFs are so much better at getting people to open up than I am. It's like an NF trait.

    Recently, I have noticed that I have a lot of trouble getting people to open up, particularly determined shy people, and I find myself surrounded by them. I poke. I prod. I reveal more of myself. I act outrageous. I sit down next to them and engage in slow conversation. I tell them jokes. Play games. I ask questions. Nothing works.

    Obviously I am doing something wrong. How do you get introverted people to open up to you?
    "Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical and expecting more than others think is possible." - Mac Anderson

  2. #2
    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
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    Do they like you? You should probably take that into account.

    I'm annoyed just by hearing all this.

  3. #3
    Freshman Member simulatedworld's Avatar
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    Convince them that you're worth investing energy in. Most introverts have a lower threshold for external stimulation and get overwhelmed by it more easily than extroverts.

    Interacting with others requires more energy and concerted effort for them, so if they're ignoring you it's because you haven't engaged them in terms they understand/appreciate, and don't consider you worth expending energy on.
    If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed--am I right?

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    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    Do they like you? You should probably take that into account.

    I'm annoyed just by hearing all this.
    Happens whether they like, dislike, or feel neutral about me. I have trouble getting introverts to engage me beyond a shallow level. And I really like introverts.

    Besides why does it matter whether they like me - part of the idea is to get them to like me.
    "Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical and expecting more than others think is possible." - Mac Anderson

  5. #5
    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EricHanson View Post
    Besides why does it matter whether they like me - part of the idea is to get them to like me.
    Sometimes trying too hard is just digging yourself a bigger hole -- as far as getting people to like you goes.

    Maybe try some more low-key strategies.

  6. #6
    ✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿ digesthisickness's Avatar
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    sometimes, i get lost in wanting too much to 'help' people, but i realize how much i hate it when others try to change me, and quickly catch myself and immediately back off. unless they ask me for my help/advice.

    besides, last thing i want is a world full of 'me's.
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  7. #7
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EricHanson View Post
    Obviously I am doing something wrong. How do you get introverted people to open up to you?
    Do you understand them? Seems to me you don't. You need to understand them as individuals and not just try to get them to open up. On that note, what are your reasons for wanting them to open up? If it's not a genuine desire to get to know them for a lasting friendship then it's possible that they're reading that.

    Some people are more protective of who they let in, they're slower to open up, check your behaviour but also see how they interact with others, are they normally guarded and private. It may be you, it may not be.

    Quote Originally Posted by EricHanson
    Besides why does it matter whether they like me - part of the idea is to get them to like me.
    That's backwards for many people, extroverts may be fine with that approach but introverts generally require trust and friendship before they open up and share private things.

    Quote Originally Posted by EricHanson
    I poke. I prod. I reveal more of myself. I act outrageous. I sit down next to them and engage in slow conversation. I tell them jokes. Play games. I ask questions.
    Also, if you mean that you try all those approaches on one person, that's probably the problem.

  8. #8
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    It's the poking and prodding you talk about that usually keeps me in my shell. When I don't know someone and they have a big personality (and/or they poke/prod), it just kind of freezes me in my tracks. I detach and observe. While I'm observing, I don't want the attention on me - because that means I can't observe because I have to participate. Let me observe, allow there to be moments of no talking, and it will come.

    Reasons:
    1. I want to know where you're coming from and that takes time (usually multiple times hanging out with you). Are you just an egotistical person that's going to make me feel uncomfortable every time we get together, or am I going to be able to really relax and be myself around you (and you'll be cool with my introversion and who I am)? That's a big one. I hate hearing stuff like, "he's so quiet", "he's this", "he's that". I wanna know that the person is cool with me being me.

    2. I know it's going to take a lot of mental energy to engage you in back-and-forthness all night. I want to pace myself and pick my spots to engage.

    The quickest way I will open up in these situations is if the person has some N. Start talking about intellectual stuff or going in-depth on a given social topic or something along those lines and, as they say, "it's on like Donkey Kong". But, that's probably different with type. I know an ISTP, for insance, who only opens up once you show that you are funny. I know an ISFJ who only opens up once she knows she has something in common with you and can trust you.

    But, if it's just stuff like, "why are you so quiet?" "Why are you shy?" "Say something or I'm just going to stare at you and make you feel uncomfortable". Just isn't going to work. That just shows that you're willing to make the introvert uncomfortable, and that makes them not want to trust you in a sense. Show that you can be funny and all that, but not at their expense and not if they seem to be somewhat uncomfortable. Take it easy on them, and they'll open up in time (maybe not the first time you hang out with them either). Let it come out on their terms, not yours.

  9. #9
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Oh and just because we are detached and quiet does not necessarily mean that we aren't enjoying your presence. Don't presume to know what we're thinking. I think that's the part that messes with the minds of extroverts. We can be totally quiet with almost no facial expression, but really intrigued or laughing inside.

    The key to reading me when I'm detached is if you can tell that I'm listening. If you can tell I'm listening, then I'm probably interested in what is being said. But, if you're in mid-sentence and I'm looking around for the waitress or just generally zoning out ("huh? what? me?") then I'm most likely bored out of my mind or just ready to go home and re-charge the battery pack.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by EricHanson View Post
    I figure I'd post this on the NF forums because NFs are so much better at getting people to open up than I am. It's like an NF trait.

    Recently, I have noticed that I have a lot of trouble getting people to open up, particularly determined shy people, and I find myself surrounded by them. I poke. I prod. I reveal more of myself. I act outrageous. I sit down next to them and engage in slow conversation. I tell them jokes. Play games. I ask questions. Nothing works.

    Obviously I am doing something wrong. How do you get introverted people to open up to you?
    I'm thinking it depends on your motives. I only do this with people I really want to get to know. I don't just go around poking at shy people - I only put effort into the kind of thing you're talking about with particular individuals. It's because I specifically see something of value in that individual.

    What you're doing, on the other hand, sounds like "the me show." Correct me if I'm wrong, but it appears your motive is just to get shy people in general to like you. Why do you want them to open up? For your own gratification? Or because you want to get to know particular individuals better?

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