[MBTI General] ENTP wants to get shy people to open up.

[neptunesnet]

Perhaps I'm just tired and my judgment is off today, but I didn't see any malice in the OP. I think he presented his issue without making his intentions clear at first, true, but I could see how an extrovert/introvert communication could be difficult. I believe he's just asking for insight on that, actually.

 

[CzeCze]

I figure I'd post this on the NF forums because NFs are so much better at getting people to open up than I am. It's like an NF trait.

Recently, I have noticed that I have a lot of trouble getting people to open up, particularly determined shy people, and I find myself surrounded by them. I poke. I prod. I reveal more of myself. I act outrageous. I sit down next to them and engage in slow conversation. I tell them jokes. Play games. I ask questions. Nothing works.

Obviously I am doing something wrong. How do you get introverted people to open up to you?

Do they like you? You should probably take that into account.

I'm annoyed just by hearing all this.

LOL. I think there's your answr EricHanson. I was gonna say you may be coming on too strong and you didn't list in your OP how you look for their responses or cues - it seems like you are "throwing everything you have at them". And that's terrifying/annoying/incomprehensible for shy people regardless of their type. As an 'E' I can still be very private about certain topics or get moody and get very cautious in certain environments and people trying to pry information out of me or being 'pushy' makes alarm bells go off and I withdraw even harder/avoid.

There are really basic and time tested books and articles about 'how to win friends and influence people' (lol) but the basics apply regardless of the 'type' of person you are talking to. Find something they want to talk about or are interested in and engage them. A lot of times genuine interest and friendliness goes a long way.

Also, introverts do not respond in the same way as extroverts - you are probably looking for more obvious extravert responses like smiling widely, laughing, verbal agreements, lots of talking -- you don't need nor should you expect these responses from a shy person. You're not necessarily trying to turn the person in front of you into an extravert or you (...or are you? LOL?)

They may actually like what you are saying or be interested in you but you just dont' realize it because you're looking for them to respond to you the way you think you'd respond to someone if interested.

Also, matching people's wave lengths goes a long way. I personally try to monitor my energy levels and presentation to not overwhelm or be too out of step - sometimes of course being naturally E and spastic this is hard. On the flip, you can't totally try to be like the person in front of you, there is nothing wrong with being more chatty or energetic or perkier than the person you are talking to, you also want to show peopel what you are about and not fake it. There are people who are always themselves regardless of the social situation and they do fine socially, self-assurance also goes a long way.

PS "self-assurance" and "pushy" are not the same thing. In fact, being at ease with yourself often puts others at ease. The fact you seem like you are trying so hard to get something from the introvert probably puts them on the defensive. If you are more on the mind set of trying to have a good time or genuine interest in the person in front of you it goes a long way to paving the way.

PPS Maybe you can start a thread on grooming your tert Fe. Fe can successfully break down social doors much better than Te/Ne.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Perhaps I'm just tired and my judgment is off today, but I didn't see any malice in the OP. I think he presented his issue without making his intentions clear at first, true, but I could see how an extrovert/introvert communication could be difficult. I believe he's just asking for insight on that, actually.

I don't think there is any malice in the OP, but it doesn't make him less misguided. I don't think people were attributing malice to him, just misunderstanding. If I were subject to the behavior he describes, I'd turtle immediately. It sounds like the OP thinks of introverts as frustrated extroverts instead of people who are wired differently. That's no more malicious than Jehovah's Witnesses going door to door, but it's also no more effective.

 

[neptunesnet]

I don't think there is any malice in the OP, but it doesn't make him less misguided. I don't think people were attributing malice to him, just misunderstanding. If I were subject to the behavior he describes, I'd turtle immediately. It sounds like the OP thinks of introverts as frustrated extroverts instead of people who are wired differently. That's no more malicious than Jehovah's Witnesses going door to door, but it's also no more effective.

Yeah, all true. I probably was just picking up on a "How dare you!" tone that wasn't actually there.

 

[Mempy]

No, I definitely sensed a caustic tone coming from some people, especially Digest. So you're not alone, Neptune.

Lol, "turtle."

But I really liked CzeCze's post. It's true that you're not necessarily going to get overt signs of liking from somebody, even if they are enjoying the conversation. I've been told (both times by extroverts) that I'm hard to read. One coworker of mine is constantly asking me if I'm okay, and it bugs me, because it seems that I just can't prove to him that I'm fine. He always thinks I look sad or angry. My extroverted roommate once asked me for feedback on what she'd just said, because, she said, she felt utterly clueless as to my reaction. She told me I wasn't showing any facial expression. I thought my reaction was probably obvious, but I guess it just doesn't always show on my face. Whether that's due to my introversion or what, it's just to say that you can't always bank on someone giving you encouraging signs.

Also, facial expressions are one of the most ambiguous forms of communication. Just be careful how you interpret them. A lot of my social anxiety probably comes from interpreting people's responses to me as being indicative of a negative reaction, when from a third person's perspective their reaction might be labeled at worst neutral. Introverts especially might just be hard to read. You may be making a more positive impression than you think you are.

As others have said, though, your approach may be a bit too... strong. But it may not be. I personally don't mind extroverted people making jokes all the time, as long as it's not at my expense. I don't mind them being talkative and having a lot of energy (for the most part). But it doesn't mean I'm going to be talkative. The worst thing about extroverts is when they seem disappointed by my behavior, or worried that I don't like them, or hurt because I'm quiet and that seems rejecting. My not being talkative or full of charisma doesn't mean I don't like them, it just means I have nothing to say or don't know what to say.

 

[Arclight]

Its like being cool.. or having presence..
Either you have it or you don't..

It's not something you can "want" and acquire..

The fact that you have to try tells me you probably shouldn't

JMO

 

[ajblaise]

LOL. I think there's your answr EricHanson. I was gonna say you may be coming on too strong and you didn't list in your OP how you look for their responses or cues - it seems like you are "throwing everything you have at them". And that's terrifying/annoying/incomprehensible for shy people regardless of their type. As an 'E' I can still be very private about certain topics or get moody and get very cautious in certain environments and people trying to pry information out of me or being 'pushy' makes alarm bells go off and I withdraw even harder/avoid.

There are really basic and time tested books and articles about 'how to win friends and influence people' (lol) but the basics apply regardless of the 'type' of person you are talking to. Find something they want to talk about or are interested in and engage them. A lot of times genuine interest and friendliness goes a long way.

Also, introverts do not respond in the same way as extroverts - you are probably looking for more obvious extravert responses like smiling widely, laughing, verbal agreements, lots of talking -- you don't need nor should you expect these responses from a shy person. You're not necessarily trying to turn the person in front of you into an extravert or you (...or are you? LOL?)

They may actually like what you are saying or be interested in you but you just dont' realize it because you're looking for them to respond to you the way you think you'd respond to someone if interested.

Also, matching people's wave lengths goes a long way. I personally try to monitor my energy levels and presentation to not overwhelm or be too out of step - sometimes of course being naturally E and spastic this is hard. On the flip, you can't totally try to be like the person in front of you, there is nothing wrong with being more chatty or energetic or perkier than the person you are talking to, you also want to show peopel what you are about and not fake it. There are people who are always themselves regardless of the social situation and they do fine socially, self-assurance also goes a long way.

PS "self-assurance" and "pushy" are not the same thing. In fact, being at ease with yourself often puts others at ease. The fact you seem like you are trying so hard to get something from the introvert probably puts them on the defensive. If you are more on the mind set of trying to have a good time or genuine interest in the person in front of you it goes a long way to paving the way.

PPS Maybe you can start a thread on grooming your tert Fe. Fe can successfully break down social doors much better than Te/Ne.

^ Yes. This is good. Listen to the ENFP.

They are like the ENTP's likeable cousins.

 

[gromit]

I don't really know how to explain exactly, but somehow demonstrating that you will treat their private information/feelings/ideas with respect and compassion.

My two introvert best friends (INFP and INTJ) both need a lot of time by themselves, in different ways. They both actually love to talk a lot. But especially with the INFP, she has to feel safe to talk about the things that she holds dear. Often she will just be silent if she thinks that you will judge her or discount her opinions. However, when I am with that particular INFP friend (or anyone else whom she trusts), it usually ends up that she does a lot of the talking, like entire paragraphs just pour out from her, and I end up doing more of the listening. We were sort-of friends and then became REAL friends the day we shared first kiss / awkward or embarrassing kissing stories and laughed so hard.


The INTJ does not seem to be like that as much (being concerned what people think), just needs time alone to recharge.


I would probably echo what other people have said about maybe trying to back off a little. Try to observe a little more.

 

[Chunes]

Getting a heavily-introverted IxFP into that talkative state is kind of like finding the g-spot, only more complicated.

 

[heart]

Re: OP, Nothing can take the place of time and just plain letting them get to know you. The more you push, the more you are obviously trying to wedge them out of their shells, the more they will likely retreat, esepcially those under 35.

 

[CzeCze]

^ Yes. This is good. Listen to the ENFP.

They are like the ENTP's likeable cousins.

Hee hee hee hee. I'm gonna put this in a signature.

 

[whatusername]

I figure I'd post this on the NF forums because NFs are so much better at getting people to open up than I am. It's like an NF trait.

Recently, I have noticed that I have a lot of trouble getting people to open up, particularly determined shy people, and I find myself surrounded by them. I poke. I prod. I reveal more of myself. I act outrageous. I sit down next to them and engage in slow conversation. I tell them jokes. Play games. I ask questions. Nothing works.

Obviously I am doing something wrong. How do you get introverted people to open up to you?

I don't know, this might work. Whenever someone does all these things to/for me, and they're really persistent, I end up finding the whole thing funny and I look at such person like one would regard a cute little kid. Coincidentally, this was how an ENTP friend and I became friends.

I think, you just have to be careful. If your motives aren't benign, we can smell it right away. Otherwise, everything I read seems innocent enough. Also, genuine interest in the person should be the only motivation to engaging them. Good luck!

 

[yvonne]

i like extroverts, because they're easy to be with and get to know. with other introverts it takes much more time and effort and it can sort of dry up, because neither of us make the effort to see each other often enough.

my best friends have always been extroverts. EFs usually get me to open up to them the fastest. they are considerate, but lively and open and make me feel at ease... i also love to go along with their suggestions and i like spontaneous ideas and stuff like that... and if i feel at ease with someone, i start making those myself i also love intellectual conversations. if someone is able to engage me on that level, it's an instant connection.

i wouldn't mind getting to know someone like OP you come off as sincere... the only thing is that don't push. let it happen naturally and show the person that you can be trusted and can listen, as well.

 

[ajblaise]

Hee hee hee hee. I'm gonna put this in a signature.

Do I approve of all your future posts?? I guess.

 

[Mempy]

I don't know, this might work. Whenever someone does all these things to/for me, and they're really persistent, I end up finding the whole thing funny and I look at such person like one would regard a cute little kid. Coincidentally, this was how an ENTP friend and I became friends.

I think, you just have to be careful. If your motives aren't benign, we can smell it right away. Otherwise, everything I read seems innocent enough. Also, genuine interest in the person should be the only motivation to engaging them. Good luck!

Werrrrd.

 

[CzeCze]

Do I approve of all your future posts?? I guess.

I'm gonna put that in a signature too.

 

[Riva]

Once a ISFJ friend of mine said it dehydrates him trying to keep up conversations with me. But he opens up quite well. I simply ask a lot of questions.

But other than him I have noticed the introverts talk more when they are with me than when they are with others. Especially INTXs.

So I would say the best answer to your question is, ask a few questions and make sure to keep a bottle close by lest they would dehydrate and die.

 

[runvardh]

Open your eyes more and your mouth less. If you notice something on their person or in what they're doing that is interesting ask, but don't crowd. Also, responses will come slowly and filling the air with noise (I call it static) to fill the void will reset that wait time, or even add to it. Think like your talking a cat out of a tree, rather than hyping up a dog to go outside. Also, as a few INFPs have said, if I think you're going to judge/take negatively something I'm thinking about saying, I won't say it.

Edit: Also, if we notice something about you and show interest in it, talk, but keep that interest in mind as a subject to investigate later.

 

[The Outsider]

It may just take some time. Finding a common subject of interest helps of course.

 

[Sizzling Berry]

I would distinguish between introverted and shy people (I read about a cute study in the subject - cannot give a reference now but scholar.google can be of help). Intoverted people sometimes don't like to engage with outside world - it provides too much stimulation for their liking. Shy people want to engage but are scared to do it (because say they care very much about opinion of others and don't want to get rejected). Those traits do not necessarily exclude one another - for example shyness can grow from introversion (less social experience).

So basically it's good to know what you are dealing with. Is your friend shy or introverted ? So do they want to talk only sometimes and feel that otherwise it's too much? Or do they want to talk but feel scared, inadequate, a bit overwhelmed? Are the conversations annoying to them or scary?