[ENFJ] ENFJs: Do you get stuck on a romantic interest?

[OrangeAppled]

ENFJs, hypothetical situation for you:

Let's say you meet someone and you become friends, but you also feel very sure this person is a great match for you romantically, ideal even, and so you develop a crush, become infatuated, whatever. You use your usual charm and bag of tricks on this person, but he/she only responds as a friend and so no romance occurs. You realize they probably will never feel more than friendly for you....but to what degree will you accept it, and how long will it take you to get over them?
Do you move on from this person quickly, or keep pining and even secretly hoping?
What would it take for you to move on?
Would the friendship with that person have to be severed, or lessened, or could you remain friends & still move on?
Will you come to resent that person?
Will you compare every subsequent romantic potential to that person?

Is it typical for you to get stuck on someone you feel "sure" of, or do you move onto a new person quickly once you determine it's not going to happen?

Thanks for indulging me.

 

[JoSunshine]

For me, crushes have a short shelf life (maybe less than 5 interactions). If it is evident it's not going to happen, it's like a switch flips in my brain and I am "over it" pretty much once I decide to be and once I make that decision to put a person in the "friend bucket", there is pretty much no going back even if the other person changes their mind.

EDIT: ^ That is one hell of a run-on sentance...sounded great in my head.

 

[TopherRed]

Ora, you should know INFPs are magic. And the longer we've spent time around you, the drunker we become if we are holding a torch for you. There is no sobering up while the two of you are still around each other.

The best answer to that situation is to tell him gently, lovingly, but directly that you aren't interested. Say that you think it's best if the two of you gave each other a little space. Be honest even, about the reasons why. This will crush him, but an ENFJs will is nye impossible to shatter, so you must then back off while he's disabled. Hopefully, that's all he'll need. Otherwise, he'll just pine for you until eternity, no matter how well he thinks he's hiding it (which isn't well at all).

Even so, sounds like you've already left an impression on him; nothing you can erase. Just make it a point to stay away, it's the only thing that will help, next to him seriously falling in love with someone else.

 

[Unkindloving]

I make them aware of it. I will actually feel uneasy and incomplete if i don't make them aware of it, even if it is a dead end situation or one that i'm working toward getting over.
The length of time depends on how interested i am in them or how close we are. If we are quite close and i am very interested, i'll keep them up to date on the status of my feelings, but reassure that the friendship is more important. It may make them uncomfortable, but i find it explains a lot of my own actions before i even act.
I move on and hope at the same time, it's strange. I'll think "This is irrelevant at the moment, but who knows what the future may bring." Yay rationalizing?
Moving on = Clarity.
I can remain friends with them, but some things will hurt a bit more than others. It's another reason they are kept aware.
I would only resent them if they gave me reason to.
Others would only be compared to my general version of ideal.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Thanks for the answers so far!

Ora, you should know INFPs are magic. And the longer we've spent time around you, the drunker we become if we are holding a torch for you. There is no sobering up while the two of you are still around each other.

The best answer to that situation is to tell him gently, lovingly, but directly that you aren't interested. Say that you think it's best if the two of you gave each other a little space. Be honest even, about the reasons why. This will crush him, but an ENFJs will is nye impossible to shatter, so you must then back off while he's disabled. Hopefully, that's all he'll need. Otherwise, he'll just pine for you until eternity, no matter how well he thinks he's hiding it (which isn't well at all).

Even so, sounds like you've already left an impression on him; nothing you can erase. Just make it a point to stay away, it's the only thing that will help, next to him seriously falling in love with someone else.

Well, that's not exactly the situation I had in mind, and I wasn't referring to anything specific (just wanted a general feel from ENFJs)....but now that you've brought it up...

My childhood best friend is an ENFJ (in denial...he thinks he's an introvert), and he always had a crush on me. A few years ago he finally made it a serious stab at being more than friends, but I made it clear it was not going to happen. He accepted it, and everything seemed fine, but over the past years he seems more & more distant & more critical towards me (I sense resentment). I wonder if this is self-preservation or if he's just growing away from me...it makes me a bit sad, of course.

The ENFJ I really had in mind, though, is a male friend of mine who I've always had a bit of a crush on (but he lives far away...). When I met him, he seemed hung up on this INFJ friend of his, and even now I wonder if he has moved on from her. I have no solid evidence that he was interested in her, besides a strong feeling & a few offhand comments & observations; one was him lamenting, "she didn't seem impressed by me". So in this case, I am not the INF fueling the torch he's (possibly) holding..... I know he is also very idealistic and picky, so maybe that is why he remains single and not because he's pining away for that INFJ.

 

[Glycerine]

To be honest, your friend might try to be "criticizing" you as a way to convince himself not to have a crush on you. He probably doesn't resent you but he probably really likes you still and is acting cold to counteract how he really feels about you (since there's no chance between you guys). Someone can only pretend so long until the true feelings come back full force.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I was tested as an enfj and though I'm suppose to be rather outgoing when it comes to even trying to achieve a romantic relationship, or one at all,l I tend to talk myself out of it. Simply the fact that I don't think I'm good enough, or the fact that I don't wish to irritate, or annoy her so if she doesn't seem interested I automatically put up the white flag... not really sure if that helps, but I'm beginning to wonder if the tests I have been taking are telling me the truth. I try to keep in mind that I'm only 19 so it lessens the tension.

 

[Sinmara]

My ENFJ friend, whom I have dated and who has been the one to do the leaving in every single relationship before me, has never gotten over any of his girlfriends. There are three of us whom he fixates on and he allows any of us to walk all over and take advantage of him because he has the devottion of a puppy. Some of them do, but some of us have enough integrity to not take advantage of him. He's not the most healthy example of an ENFJ, but his behavior applies to your question. He remains attached to us not because he can't let go, but because he doesn't want to, despite the fact that he's the one who did the breaking up in each case.

 

[TopherRed]

We all want what we can't have. In our case it's "who". But nevertheless, I got over that in high school, and I'm shocked that there's still an ENFJ in his thirties still unable to stop suffering.

Honestly Petty, I could get together my ENFJ buddies on here and take a clinical look at him, but I know that's waaaay not going to happen.

 

[Glycerine]

Honestly Petty, I could get together my ENFJ buddies on here and take a clinical look at him, but I know that's waaaay not going to happen.

It's the scariest thing to get stared at (examined) by another ENFJ. My gosh, its so dang creepy...ahhhhh quit.... lookimg...at....me.

 

[sammy]

ENFJs, hypothetical situation for you:

Let's say you meet someone and you become friends, but you also feel very sure this person is a great match for you romantically, ideal even, and so you develop a crush, become infatuated, whatever. You use your usual charm and bag of tricks on this person, but he/she only responds as a friend and so no romance occurs. You realize they probably will never feel more than friendly for you....but to what degree will you accept it, and how long will it take you to get over them?
Do you move on from this person quickly, or keep pining and even secretly hoping?
What would it take for you to move on?
Would the friendship with that person have to be severed, or lessened, or could you remain friends & still move on?
Will you come to resent that person?
Will you compare every subsequent romantic potential to that person?

Is it typical for you to get stuck on someone you feel "sure" of, or do you move onto a new person quickly once you determine it's not going to happen?

Thanks for indulging me.

I'm not an ENFJ, but I've plenty of experience with them. Based on those experiences and what they've told me, it's very difficult for them to move on from a love interest. That torch doesn't burn out quickly or easily. And resentment is part and parcel to their approach when things don't go in a direction of forming a relationship with their crush. They don't do it because they truly despise the person. It makes it easier for them to deal with their hurt feelings, without becoming an emotional mess.

I've seen them stop being friends with people they crushed on (without success) to preserve their dignity. They still care for the person, but they won't show it anymore.

 

[JoSunshine]

My ENFJ friend, whom I have dated and who has been the one to do the leaving in every single relationship before me, has never gotten over any of his girlfriends. There are three of us whom he fixates on and he allows any of us to walk all over and take advantage of him because he has the devottion of a puppy. Some of them do, but some of us have enough integrity to not take advantage of him. He's not the most healthy example of an ENFJ, but his behavior applies to your question. He remains attached to us not because he can't let go, but because he doesn't want to, despite the fact that he's the one who did the breaking up in each case.

I can relate to this to a certain exent. I still talk to my last two BFs (I broke up with both of them) and I still love both of them in a certai way...I would actually talk to the one before that too if he would talk to me

For me, I don't feel like I am "hung up". I broke up with them becuase I knew it wouldn't work, but just becuase we didn't work in a relationship doesn't change that I care about them. A lot of people don't understand why I would still talk to my exes, I don't understand why I wouldn't becuase they didn't do anything wrong other than be who they are, which happened to not work in a romantic relationship.

I think this way of being goes hand in hand with my previous comment. I can move a person out of the "boyfriend / romantic interest" category into the "friend / person I care about" category when it seems appropriate.

 

[tenINsFJ]

I can relate to this to a certain exent. I still talk to my last two BFs (I broke up with both of them) and I still love both of them in a certai way...I would actually talk to the one before that too if he would talk to me

For me, I don't feel like I am "hung up". I broke up with them becuase I knew it wouldn't work, but just becuase we didn't work in a relationship doesn't change that I care about them. A lot of people don't understand why I would still talk to my exes, I don't understand why I wouldn't becuase they didn't do anything wrong other than be who they are, which happened to not work in a romantic relationship.

I think this way of being goes hand in hand with my previous comment. I can move a person out of the "boyfriend / romantic interest" category into the "friend / person I care about" category when it seems appropriate.

What type did you date? The last two guys.

 

[JoSunshine]

INTP - 1.5 year relationship, very easy to continue to talk to him.
ESFJ - 1.5 year crazy love relationship, still talk to him but it's a bit more challenging.

 

[Lauren]

ENFJs, hypothetical situation for you:

Let's say you meet someone and you become friends, but you also feel very sure this person is a great match for you romantically, ideal even, and so you develop a crush, become infatuated, whatever. You use your usual charm and bag of tricks on this person, but he/she only responds as a friend and so no romance occurs. You realize they probably will never feel more than friendly for you....but to what degree will you accept it, and how long will it take you to get over them?
Do you move on from this person quickly, or keep pining and even secretly hoping?
What would it take for you to move on?
Would the friendship with that person have to be severed, or lessened, or could you remain friends & still move on?
Will you come to resent that person?
Will you compare every subsequent romantic potential to that person?

Is it typical for you to get stuck on someone you feel "sure" of, or do you move onto a new person quickly once you determine it's not going to happen?

Thanks for indulging me.

I haven't read all the replies but for me your questions have been an obsession (a good one, I would say all obsessions are good). I'm in a similar situation now. My friend definitely has a romantic interest in me but was dating someone for a brief time when he realized that I was interested in him. I was also married but that relationship had been falling apart for some time. Subquently, confusion has insued, to say the least. No, I haven't moved on. My feeling is to give it time. I've seperated from my husband (permanently). I don't know if he is serious about his girlfriend (all indications are perhaps not, (how's that for equivocating). I struggle with this daily, should I move on or not? The reality is I can't right now and I don't see any reason why I should. He's also indicated that he's still very much interested in me. I'm patient with this because relationships sometimes take time to unravel and love has it's own way, which is often convoluted. I'm willing to wait and see, as long as I'm getting indications from him that he's still interested in me and that there is potential there. As far as friendship goes, we are already friends. I want to remain friends, though that seems a herculean thing right now. One day I think, sure, I can remain just friends, the next, no way.

I think I could still remain friends and move on. I care about him so much that I can't imagine not being his friend just because I didn't get what I wanted. I'm not a child, and sometimes we just don't get what we want. Still, the feelings are there, and to be honest to them, and to him, I think I would need some time away from him to dovetail out of the romantic feelings.

No, I don't resent him, nor will I ever. He and I have been through a severe test of our friendship and our care for each other, and passed. You only resent someone because you feel you need vindication. Then, that's the ego talking. If you love someone, it's not their fault that they can't meet your expectations. If you love someone, then you need to honor that, or it isn't really love, in my opinion.

No, I won't compare anyone to him. I don't do that. And no one can compare to him. Everyone is unique.

I do get stuck on someone, definitely. Until there's a definite sign or intuition that I need to let go.

Edit: sorry, I'm not an ENFJ. And my friend is an INTP (I think). Well, anyway

 

[Lauren]

To be honest, your friend might try to be "criticizing" you as a way to convince himself not to have a crush on you. He probably doesn't resent you but he probably really likes you still and is acting cold to counteract how he really feels about you (since there's no chance between you guys). Someone can only pretend so long until the true feelings come back full force.[/QUOTE]


Agree with the bolded and in the case of my friend, this seems to be true (and for me as well). The feelings always come back.

 

[nomadic]

ENFJs, hypothetical situation for you:

Let's say you meet someone and you become friends, but you also feel very sure this person is a great match for you romantically, ideal even, and so you develop a crush, become infatuated, whatever. You use your usual charm and bag of tricks on this person, but he/she only responds as a friend and so no romance occurs. You realize they probably will never feel more than friendly for you....but to what degree will you accept it, and how long will it take you to get over them?
Do you move on from this person quickly, or keep pining and even secretly hoping?
What would it take for you to move on?
Would the friendship with that person have to be severed, or lessened, or could you remain friends & still move on?
Will you come to resent that person?
Will you compare every subsequent romantic potential to that person?

Is it typical for you to get stuck on someone you feel "sure" of, or do you move onto a new person quickly once you determine it's not going to happen?

Thanks for indulging me.

i find it amazing how every time i have a slight adjustment to my love life, something so relevant like this post appears and piques my interest...

its like EVERY SINGLE ADJUSTMENT! I don't know whats going on... how does it happen like every time!???!

when i started here, there was the ENTJ infatuation, then ISFJ, then later INTP, then INTJ (I missed out on the INTJ one though), then INFJ, then INTP again, and now ENFJ... anyways, im blabbing, let me get back to reading this thread...

 

[Unkindloving]

i find it amazing how every time i have a slight adjustment to my love life, something so relevant like this post appears and piques my interest...

its like EVERY SINGLE ADJUSTMENT! I don't know whats going on... how does it happen like every time!???!

when i started here, there was the ENTJ infatuation, then ISFJ, then later INTP, then INTJ (I missed out on the INTJ one though), then INFJ, then INTP again, and now ENFJ... anyways, im blabbing, let me get back to reading this thread...

Orly? I'm curious and think you should elaborate.

 

[nomadic]

Orly? I'm curious and think you should elaborate.

hahahaha

meh... its nothing much. just a friend that we just started leaning on each other through "hard times"... but yeah, for some reason, when i do get through talking or hanging out with that friend... my gf thinks something is wrong... and i think she thinks something is wrong by the way my voice is... its kinda wierd...

 

[Unkindloving]

hahahaha

meh... its nothing much. just a friend that we just started leaning on each other through "hard times"... but yeah, for some reason, when i do get through talking or hanging out with that friend... my gf thinks something is wrong... and i think she thinks something is wrong by the way my voice is... its kinda wierd...

Inter..esting
What does the ENFJ do to you? Show me on this dollie where they touch you.