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  1. #1
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Default ENFJs: Do you get stuck on a romantic interest?

    ENFJs, hypothetical situation for you:

    Let's say you meet someone and you become friends, but you also feel very sure this person is a great match for you romantically, ideal even, and so you develop a crush, become infatuated, whatever. You use your usual charm and bag of tricks on this person, but he/she only responds as a friend and so no romance occurs. You realize they probably will never feel more than friendly for you....but to what degree will you accept it, and how long will it take you to get over them?
    Do you move on from this person quickly, or keep pining and even secretly hoping?
    What would it take for you to move on?
    Would the friendship with that person have to be severed, or lessened, or could you remain friends & still move on?
    Will you come to resent that person?
    Will you compare every subsequent romantic potential to that person?

    Is it typical for you to get stuck on someone you feel "sure" of, or do you move onto a new person quickly once you determine it's not going to happen?

    Thanks for indulging me.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  2. #2
    That's my name biotch! JoSunshine's Avatar
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    For me, crushes have a short shelf life (maybe less than 5 interactions). If it is evident it's not going to happen, it's like a switch flips in my brain and I am "over it" pretty much once I decide to be and once I make that decision to put a person in the "friend bucket", there is pretty much no going back even if the other person changes their mind.

    EDIT: ^ That is one hell of a run-on sentance...sounded great in my head.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. " - Dr. Seuss
    I can't spell...get over it

    Slightly ENFJ, totally JoSunshine
    Extroverted (E) 52.5%........Introverted (I) 47.5%
    Intuitive (N) 65.63%..........Sensing (S) 34.38%
    Feeling (F) 55.56%............Thinking (T) 44.44%
    Judging (J) 51.43%............Perceiving (P) 48.57%

  3. #3
    Senior Member TopherRed's Avatar
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    Ora, you should know INFPs are magic. And the longer we've spent time around you, the drunker we become if we are holding a torch for you. There is no sobering up while the two of you are still around each other.

    The best answer to that situation is to tell him gently, lovingly, but directly that you aren't interested. Say that you think it's best if the two of you gave each other a little space. Be honest even, about the reasons why. This will crush him, but an ENFJs will is nye impossible to shatter, so you must then back off while he's disabled. Hopefully, that's all he'll need. Otherwise, he'll just pine for you until eternity, no matter how well he thinks he's hiding it (which isn't well at all).

    Even so, sounds like you've already left an impression on him; nothing you can erase. Just make it a point to stay away, it's the only thing that will help, next to him seriously falling in love with someone else.
    Love is the point.

  4. #4
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    I make them aware of it. I will actually feel uneasy and incomplete if i don't make them aware of it, even if it is a dead end situation or one that i'm working toward getting over.
    The length of time depends on how interested i am in them or how close we are. If we are quite close and i am very interested, i'll keep them up to date on the status of my feelings, but reassure that the friendship is more important. It may make them uncomfortable, but i find it explains a lot of my own actions before i even act.
    I move on and hope at the same time, it's strange. I'll think "This is irrelevant at the moment, but who knows what the future may bring." Yay rationalizing?
    Moving on = Clarity.
    I can remain friends with them, but some things will hurt a bit more than others. It's another reason they are kept aware.
    I would only resent them if they gave me reason to.
    Others would only be compared to my general version of ideal.
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.

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    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

  5. #5
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Thanks for the answers so far!

    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzzcrossed View Post
    Ora, you should know INFPs are magic. And the longer we've spent time around you, the drunker we become if we are holding a torch for you. There is no sobering up while the two of you are still around each other.

    The best answer to that situation is to tell him gently, lovingly, but directly that you aren't interested. Say that you think it's best if the two of you gave each other a little space. Be honest even, about the reasons why. This will crush him, but an ENFJs will is nye impossible to shatter, so you must then back off while he's disabled. Hopefully, that's all he'll need. Otherwise, he'll just pine for you until eternity, no matter how well he thinks he's hiding it (which isn't well at all).

    Even so, sounds like you've already left an impression on him; nothing you can erase. Just make it a point to stay away, it's the only thing that will help, next to him seriously falling in love with someone else.
    Well, that's not exactly the situation I had in mind, and I wasn't referring to anything specific (just wanted a general feel from ENFJs)....but now that you've brought it up...

    My childhood best friend is an ENFJ (in denial...he thinks he's an introvert), and he always had a crush on me. A few years ago he finally made it a serious stab at being more than friends, but I made it clear it was not going to happen. He accepted it, and everything seemed fine, but over the past years he seems more & more distant & more critical towards me (I sense resentment). I wonder if this is self-preservation or if he's just growing away from me...it makes me a bit sad, of course.

    The ENFJ I really had in mind, though, is a male friend of mine who I've always had a bit of a crush on (but he lives far away...). When I met him, he seemed hung up on this INFJ friend of his, and even now I wonder if he has moved on from her. I have no solid evidence that he was interested in her, besides a strong feeling & a few offhand comments & observations; one was him lamenting, "she didn't seem impressed by me". So in this case, I am not the INF fueling the torch he's (possibly) holding..... I know he is also very idealistic and picky, so maybe that is why he remains single and not because he's pining away for that INFJ.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  6. #6
    Glycerine
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    To be honest, your friend might try to be "criticizing" you as a way to convince himself not to have a crush on you. He probably doesn't resent you but he probably really likes you still and is acting cold to counteract how he really feels about you (since there's no chance between you guys). Someone can only pretend so long until the true feelings come back full force.

  7. #7
    ReflecTcelfeR
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    I was tested as an enfj and though I'm suppose to be rather outgoing when it comes to even trying to achieve a romantic relationship, or one at all,l I tend to talk myself out of it. Simply the fact that I don't think I'm good enough, or the fact that I don't wish to irritate, or annoy her so if she doesn't seem interested I automatically put up the white flag... not really sure if that helps, but I'm beginning to wonder if the tests I have been taking are telling me the truth. I try to keep in mind that I'm only 19 so it lessens the tension.

  8. #8
    Not Your Therapist Sinmara's Avatar
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    My ENFJ friend, whom I have dated and who has been the one to do the leaving in every single relationship before me, has never gotten over any of his girlfriends. There are three of us whom he fixates on and he allows any of us to walk all over and take advantage of him because he has the devottion of a puppy. Some of them do, but some of us have enough integrity to not take advantage of him. He's not the most healthy example of an ENFJ, but his behavior applies to your question. He remains attached to us not because he can't let go, but because he doesn't want to, despite the fact that he's the one who did the breaking up in each case.
    Never wrestle with a pig. You will get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.



  9. #9
    Senior Member TopherRed's Avatar
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    We all want what we can't have. In our case it's "who". But nevertheless, I got over that in high school, and I'm shocked that there's still an ENFJ in his thirties still unable to stop suffering.

    Honestly Petty, I could get together my ENFJ buddies on here and take a clinical look at him, but I know that's waaaay not going to happen.
    Love is the point.

  10. #10
    Glycerine
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzzcrossed View Post
    Honestly Petty, I could get together my ENFJ buddies on here and take a clinical look at him, but I know that's waaaay not going to happen.
    It's the scariest thing to get stared at (examined) by another ENFJ. My gosh, its so dang creepy...ahhhhh quit.... lookimg...at....me.

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