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Thread: ENFJs: Do you get stuck on a romantic interest?

  1. #31
    Pose! Array Salt n' pepper's Avatar
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    Apr 2009


    I know this ENFJ man, who's completely hung up on this woman. They dated, they broke up, she dated other men, had kids, went back to him, they played house for a while. Broke up.

    She's from this broken family and has been on her own since she was 14. They are both in their late 20's now.

    He can't let her go. It's been years since they last dated. He thinks it's his mission in life to save her, or something. He likes complex/complicated women.

  2. #32
    Plumage and Moult Array proteanmix's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007


    The most I've ever moped is about one month and then one day I woke up feeling fine and refreshed.

    Many people believe the longer you grieve the end of a relationship, the more deeply you loved with the person. I can see if you were with someone for a long time, but I know people who want to throw themselves off a bridge over a two month relationship that primarily existed through text and emails.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  3. #33
    Senior Member Array Neutralpov's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    1w2 so/sx

    Default Does it work?

    Quote Originally Posted by The Third Rider View Post
    Once I am rejected I move on and just drop the whole thing. Now if my feelings don't want to go away I will cut all contact with that person.
    Does this work though? It makes it more like they are always on my mind when I am trying hard to cut contact and seeing them.

    Also I think most of us have long relationships. What about them? I never get over them in weeks. How do you guys handle them?
    Extroverted (E) 67.74% Introverted (I) 32.26%
    Intuitive (N) 51.72% Sensing (S) 48.28%
    Feeling (F) 51.61% Thinking (T) 48.39%
    Judging (J) 69.44% Perceiving (P) 30.56%

    Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||||| 83%

  4. #34
    Lay the coin on my tongue Array SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    6w5 sp/sx


    Quote Originally Posted by Aramis View Post
    I'm not an ENFJ, but I've plenty of experience with them. Based on those experiences and what they've told me, it's very difficult for them to move on from a love interest. That torch doesn't burn out quickly or easily. And resentment is part and parcel to their approach when things don't go in a direction of forming a relationship with their crush. They don't do it because they truly despise the person. It makes it easier for them to deal with their hurt feelings, without becoming an emotional mess.

    I've seen them stop being friends with people they crushed on (without success) to preserve their dignity. They still care for the person, but they won't show it anymore.
    I'm an INFJ rather than ENFJ, but sometimes I think I come across more ENFJ...strong Fe...maybe this is an NFJ thing generally. The above sounds EXACTLY like me. I still tend to end up being an emotional mess for a while though.

    I do experience resentment, which I usually feel is partly warranted (ie. if the person led me on without actually being interested), and partly just my weirdness, but I guess it's one way of dealing. I'm not good at the "just remember the good times you had with that person (whether in a relationship, or as friends though you wanted more)" thing. If I remember the good times, I find it painful because it makes me think of what might have been had things been somewhat different. Feeling resentment and dislike isn't great either, but it's kind of a way for me to put the person out of my life and move on.

    It probably sounds a bit cold, btw. But it's for emotional self-protection - though perhaps the self-protection comes too late when I'm already hurt. I haven't cut many people out of my life and I am a very loyal friend. But if I do cut someone out of my life it's likely to be an ex, or someone I had strong feelings for and it never happened or worked out. Their presence in my life proves to be too draining, painful and difficult to deal with - even long after the fact.
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


  5. #35
    Senior Member Array
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    Dec 2008


    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    I make them aware of it. I will actually feel uneasy and incomplete if i don't make them aware of it, even if it is a dead end situation or one that i'm working toward getting over.
    The length of time depends on how interested i am in them or how close we are. If we are quite close and i am very interested, i'll keep them up to date on the status of my feelings, but reassure that the friendship is more important. It may make them uncomfortable, but i find it explains a lot of my own actions before i even act.
    I move on and hope at the same time, it's strange. I'll think "This is irrelevant at the moment, but who knows what the future may bring." Yay rationalizing?
    Moving on = Clarity.
    I can remain friends with them, but some things will hurt a bit more than others. It's another reason they are kept aware.
    I would only resent them if they gave me reason to.
    Others would only be compared to my general version of ideal.
    I pretty much do the same. If I have fallen for someone and they have given me reason to believe they have feelings for me as well and it's acted upon to any degree, I'll keep letting that person know that I'm not abandoning them and that we are still friends (if we have been close friends). At that point, it's usually known by both of us that it's more than friendship but there are many reasons why something doesn't happen romantically when you think it's going to. I like to keep the door open because if it's someone I genuinely like and are close to, I wouldn't hurt them by turning my back on them just because what I imagined or hoped would happen didn't happen at that time..I also have to express the feelings to them somehow or it drives me crazy, even in a nonverbal way. I have great difficulty moving on from someone I've fallen for, it's especially hard when we are emotionally close.

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