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[MBTI General] INFJ and ENTP between friendship and relationship

Trapeze Swinger

New member
Joined
Mar 7, 2010
Messages
18
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2w4
I’m having difficulties understanding an ENTP friend who has recently pulled away. I must say I liked him very much (romantically, that is) and I thought he liked me. We talked about very intellectual subjects and actually opened up to each other about very serious things including family issues, romantic pursuits, and simply things I know he has not told others. This is something I suspect ENTPs don’t do often. However, since our last conversation he has completely pulled away.

In that conversation we were discussing what traits we find attractive in other people and agreed on quite a few. I thought I was picking up on some hints, that maybe he liked me, however some of the hints described me while others completely contradicted them. Is this just an ENTP game? Or am I misinterpreting whats going on? That happens sometimes as we have different perspectives, something I very much appreciate about him.

Since then he has almost completely cut off communication. He doesn’t talk to me much anymore, won’t acknowledge me when he sees me, etc. This has been going on for about a week. What is going on?
We went from being close friends to what feels like distant acquaintances. I cannot help, but be hurt and feel as though it’s something I’ve done wrong.

And what is your experience with ENTPs? Is this normal or is another message trying to be sent? What should I do to correct the situation, or rather what can I do ?


Also something to consider, he told me he was interested in someone, only interested which he made quite clear, but refused to give me the name of the person he fancied. It seems illogical to be able to open up about family matters, friendships, intellectual subjects, and other past romantic pursuits, but not about someone who he is only some what interested in.

Thoughts and advice would be much appreciated.
 

EcK

The Memes Justify the End
Joined
Nov 21, 2008
Messages
7,708
MBTI Type
ENTP
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738
entps generally have no idea how people feel about them, that's part of why they seem so 'over the top' sometimes.
Maybe he just doesn't know if you like him. Also, if he opened up, maybe that wasn't easy for him and he considers it's ur turn to do the next move.

I mean, I don't know, i'm just poking in the dark.
 

Synarch

Once Was
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
8,445
MBTI Type
ENTP
* He doesn't know you like him.
* He knows you like him and he likes you but he feels vulnerable.
* He's got another fish on the line.

It's not weird to be private about who you like but open about other sensitive topics.
 

Trapeze Swinger

New member
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Mar 7, 2010
Messages
18
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INFJ
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2w4
Thank you for the quick relies, I appreciate them. What can I do to solidify things between us? The lack of communication made things awkward. I don’t really know how to act around him since the freeze of communication.

What can I do to let him know I like him or reassure him? Do I have to open up and outright tell him I like him, or can it be subtle?

I really care about him and if I cannot pursue a relationship I would at least like to maintain a friendship.
 
S

sammy

Guest
Agreed with Synarch. ^

In the past, I've pulled away from people after opening up a lot before. I usually did it if I didn't think I could keep up the normal energy (and openness) with that person at that particular time. It doesn't mean I didn't like them, it was a quintessential: "It's not you, it's me" thing. Just an occasional phase.

Or, could very well have a lot to do with how he feels about you. He could like you, could be pursuing that "interest" but doesn't want to close off the possibility of being with you either, or may not like you more than a friend but doesn't want to hurt you by continuing to be so intimate.
 

Synarch

Once Was
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
8,445
MBTI Type
ENTP
Thank you for the quick relies, I appreciate them. What can I do to solidify things between us? The lack of communication made things awkward. I don’t really know how to act around him since the freeze of communication.

What can I do to let him know I like him or reassure him? Do I have to open up and outright tell him I like him, or can it be subtle?

I really care about him and if I cannot pursue a relationship I would at least like to maintain a friendship.

Tell him you care about him as a person and enjoy spending time with him and that you hope he is doing okay. That way you express your feelings without seeming to have an agenda. I can be really weird when people pursue me because I never trust that they can know me well enough to make that decision. So, I prefer to get to know someone really well first.
 

Trapeze Swinger

New member
Joined
Mar 7, 2010
Messages
18
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2w4
or may not like you more than a friend but doesn't want to hurt you by continuing to be so intimate.

If that is the case what do you suggest I try continue the friendship by initiating contact, or wait it out through this phase?
 

Trapeze Swinger

New member
Joined
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Messages
18
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INFJ
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2w4
Tell him you care about him as a person and enjoy spending time with him and that you hope he is doing okay. That way you express your feelings without seeming to have an agenda. I can be really weird when people pursue me because I never trust that they can know me well enough to make that decision. So, I prefer to get to know someone really well first.

We’ll have to see how that goes over tomorrow.
I think we might have both pulled away out of fear. We got close very fast it may have been a little too much for both of us.
 

Synarch

Once Was
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
8,445
MBTI Type
ENTP
We’ll have to see how that goes over tomorrow.
I think we might have both pulled away out of fear. We got close very fast it may have been a little too much for both of us.

What will be, will be. Good luck, friend.
 
S

sammy

Guest
If that is the case what do you suggest I try continue the friendship by initiating contact, or wait it out through this phase?
I suggest a mixture of initiating contact and waiting. Initiate too much and he may pull back completely (for whatever reason). Initiate just enough to keep him in the picture, which allows him the opportunity to re-enter your life when he's got his mojo back.

Waiting will be critical, especially to keep the friendship alive. As an INFJ, you guys are usually stellar at being patient.
 

Trapeze Swinger

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INFJ
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Today was unsuccessful. I initiated a conversation, or at least tried to, and it failed. I started with the typical "how are you? ","how has your day been?" and received concise answers (i.e. "I’m fine" and "Good") He made no attempt to ask me about my day which he normally does. Also, of note, he made no eye contact with me through out our conversation. Maybe significant, maybe not, but usually there is lots of eye contact.
I didn’t sense that he was in bad mood, although that is plausible, or he could of had something else preoccupying his mind.
There was an awkward silence as we continued to walk. He then mentioned that he noticed that and his ex were able to be in the same room without it being awkward. I tried to follow up with questions that I knew he could answer in length and told him I felt that was a great improvement (things had ended very roughly several months ago, but he is very much over her now), but got the same one word answers, like "yes", "no" or a short sentence reply. Unsure of what to say and noting that we were approaching a group of our friends I told him that I felt we hadn't talked in a while and that I enjoyed spending time with him. I even suggested that we go to our normal coffee shop to talk later today if that was convenient to which he said "yeah" and then walked quickly towards one of his friends. I was left alone, so I tried talking to one of my good friends, but retreated, completely unsure of what had just happened and quite upset. I’m very good at not showing exactly how I feel to avoid the "what’s wrong" so I can tell the people I’m comfortable with on my own terms, however I was so affected by what had just happened I got asked many times "what’s wrong". It was very apparent. I of course lied with a “nothing, I’m just stressed about everything I have to do today" and became very introverted, letting everything that had just occurred ruminate.

Later, my ESTP friend suggested that I had done something to anger him. I know ESTPs are not the best with understanding others, but I needed an alternative perspective. I don’t really know how that is possible, I cannot think of anything that I have done that was offensive because we haven’t talked much and before this freeze of communication everything appeared fine.

Thoughts?
 

Timeless

Playnerd
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
896
MBTI Type
ENTP
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7
entps generally have no idea how people feel about them, that's part of why they seem so 'over the top' sometimes.
Maybe he just doesn't know if you like him.
Also, if he opened up, maybe that wasn't easy for him and he considers it's ur turn to do the next move.

I mean, I don't know, i'm just poking in the dark.

+285947549387543

Fuck, it's a bit sad in a way.
 

Synarch

Once Was
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
8,445
MBTI Type
ENTP
Today was unsuccessful. I initiated a conversation, or at least tried to, and it failed. I started with the typical "how are you? ","how has your day been?" and received concise answers (i.e. "I’m fine" and "Good") He made no attempt to ask me about my day which he normally does. Also, of note, he made no eye contact with me through out our conversation. Maybe significant, maybe not, but usually there is lots of eye contact.
I didn’t sense that he was in bad mood, although that is plausible, or he could of had something else preoccupying his mind.
There was an awkward silence as we continued to walk. He then mentioned that he noticed that and his ex were able to be in the same room without it being awkward. I tried to follow up with questions that I knew he could answer in length and told him I felt that was a great improvement (things had ended very roughly several months ago, but he is very much over her now), but got the same one word answers, like "yes", "no" or a short sentence reply. Unsure of what to say and noting that we were approaching a group of our friends I told him that I felt we hadn't talked in a while and that I enjoyed spending time with him. I even suggested that we go to our normal coffee shop to talk later today if that was convenient to which he said "yeah" and then walked quickly towards one of his friends. I was left alone, so I tried talking to one of my good friends, but retreated, completely unsure of what had just happened and quite upset. I’m very good at not showing exactly how I feel to avoid the "what’s wrong" so I can tell the people I’m comfortable with on my own terms, however I was so affected by what had just happened I got asked many times "what’s wrong". It was very apparent. I of course lied with a “nothing, I’m just stressed about everything I have to do today" and became very introverted, letting everything that had just occurred ruminate.

Later, my ESTP friend suggested that I had done something to anger him. I know ESTPs are not the best with understanding others, but I needed an alternative perspective. I don’t really know how that is possible, I cannot think of anything that I have done that was offensive because we haven’t talked much and before this freeze of communication everything appeared fine.

Thoughts?

Try being sad and aloof and see if he changes his tune.
 

nightning

ish red no longer *sad*
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
3,741
MBTI Type
INfj
Try being sad and aloof and see if he changes his tune.

Typical ENTP approach to poke at something to figure out what's going on. ;)

With a good ENTP friend of mine, I found it's best to ask once directly to see if he wants to talk. If he doesn't... it's best just to walk away and wait. Other ENTPs will have to confirm this, but my friend tends to like to brood over problems. He bounces back after a while. I tend to wait for him to reengage me into conversation and just be receptive when he does so.

About sharing stuff... he's okay with sharing something that INFJs may deem as "private" to somebody that's not involved with the issue, but rarely does so if you're involved.
 

Qre:us

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About sharing stuff... he's okay with sharing something that INFJs may deem as "private" to somebody that's not involved with the issue, but rarely does so if you're involved.

This kind of rings true. I'll usually only share with the person involved, once I'm comfortable in the conclusions I've reached with regards to that person and myself, and our situation. Depends though how emotionally confused I am. The more emotionally confused I am over it, the more likely that I won't share with the person involved. Other times, if it's some issue with a person, and I'm pretty clear-headed about it - I'm actually very direct about going to the person involved, first and foremost - easiest and most efficient way to solve the issue.
 
S

sammy

Guest
Try being sad and aloof and see if he changes his tune.

Yeah, try this.

I can't think of any other approach that won't come across as pushy at this point.

From what you've said, I can't detect how you angered him. Do you usually default to discussing his ex-gfs when in conversational lulls?
 

Synarch

Once Was
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ENTP
About sharing stuff... he's okay with sharing something that INFJs may deem as "private" to somebody that's not involved with the issue, but rarely does so if you're involved.

+1 Yep!
 

Lily Bart

Member
Joined
Mar 27, 2009
Messages
136
MBTI Type
INFP
OK, here's about 25 years' worth of experience dealing with an ENTP. You seem to really, really like him, so my heart went out to you. First of all, resist the tendency to read things into his reactions to you, because as much as you want to think you know what's going on, you probably don't (I'm just trying to encourage a little humility here, because I know INFJ's are good at reading people, but don't go there if it's somebody you're trying to start a relationship with). Next, give him some space -- Perceivers always like to feel they've got options and they're not cornered into something. Do everything you possibly can to resist the sort of internal intensity you're experiencing right now, because it will only get in the way. Relax, be light-hearted, use your INFJ sense of humor -- most people think it's weird, but ENTP's respond to it like nobody in the world. And most important of all, FLIRT, because ENTP's are big-time flirters themselves and they pretty much respond to it whether they're interested in you or not -- they sort of can't help it! As an INFJ, flirting may seem slightly dishonest to you, but if you think about it, you have your own unique sort of INFJ-flirtiness, that, again, most guys wouldn't be able to figure out, but an ENTP will find it very, very compelling. ENTP and INFJ are pretty much opposites, which creates attraction, but they're also both dominant intuitives, which is a bonus for you, because ENTP's, although fun-loving and sometimes seemingly superficial, really can't appreciate (and often have very little patience with) someone who's not intelligent. And frankly, I wouldn't encourage him to talk about his feelings right now, since there's an Ex, because, first of all, if he does, you'll probably get an earful that you don't really want to hear, and second, he needs to get away from his Ex emotionally -- so give him the opportunity to have fun, relax, and not have to think about her all the time. Good luck!
 

Synarch

Once Was
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8,445
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ENTP
And frankly, I wouldn't encourage him to talk about his feelings right now, since there's an Ex, because, first of all, if he does, you'll probably get an earful that you don't really want to hear, and second, he needs to get away from his Ex emotionally -- so give him the opportunity to have fun, relax, and not have to think about her all the time. Good luck!

Great advice, LB! Are you married to an ENTP?

The bolded is especially true. I am seemingly incapable of not expressing something on my mind if I feel comfortable with you. Some people can misinterpret this, but ultimately it's because I often sort things out externally. I refer to it as "inappropriate self-disclosure". I try really hard to repress this urge but it's generally a sign that I trust you.

I have a hard time generally with concealing my feelings. It's what I do with most people (except here for some reason, probably because of the limited anonymity) so once I start editing I am liable to start editing and hiding more important things.
 

Trapeze Swinger

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Things were much better today. I think being sad and aloof made him wonder what was going on. Thank you, Synarch.

I approached him, realizing I probably shouldn’t, but I got the feeling he wanted to talk to me and wouldn’t do it unless I initiated it. So, I did. And it went very well. He apologized for seeming distant and said he missed talking to me. We discussed normal things like life, recent events, etc and then began to discuss relationships. I asked how things were going with whoever it was he was interested in. This was his response, "I haven't talked to her much lately, so she hasn't really been on my mind." He still wont tell me who it is he’s interested in which is understandable as we’ve just begun talking again after a weird period.
 
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