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  1. #1
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    Default INFJ + INFJ relationship confusion! (warning: long winded)

    Hi everyone,

    I'm a long time lurker on Typology Central and this is my first post. Seems like a great community and I'm glad to be part of it!

    What finally compelled me to post is this extremely confusing situation I'm in with another INFJ. Here's the situation in a nutshell: I met him 8 months ago through a mutual friend and instantly felt a connection/attraction to him. We went out on a number of dates, were getting closer, and then he abruptly said he didn't feel like he could be in a relationship with anyone, and that it was nothing personal against me. I was disappointed but backed off. About a month later we ran into each other again and began spending time together as friends. We talk about everything and he's repeatedly told me that he feels like he can talk to me about things he can't talk to anyone else about. (I feel the same way).

    I've always continued to have romantic feelings for him, and about 3 months ago I started to feel like I was getting a romantic vibe from him again. He started paying for my dinner every time we'd go out, would call me almost daily, would buy me presents, do nice things, tell me I looked beautiful, the whole nine yards. Then, about a month ago I couldn't take the ambiguity anymore. One night we were spending time together and I blurted out that I had strong romantic feelings for him and that I just needed to know if he did too. He got really emotional and said that he definitely has strong romantic feelings for me too, but is still worried that his "issues" would get in the way (i.e. he's a recovering alcoholic (but has been sober for 8 years) and is in therapy for some abuse issues he dealt with as a kid). We talked for a long time that night, and at the end of the night he said he wanted to start a relationship with me. However, almost immediately off the bat he seemed to have hesitations. It was like I could feel him pull away every time we would start to get close. I confronted him last week, asked him if this was really what he wanted, and he said he loves me but isn't sure he is ready for a relationship. Same as when we first met! Except this time it was much more emotional and there was more at stake since we'd admitted to mutual feelings. Throughout the conversation he kept changing his mind, saying, "well maybe I'm wrong, maybe I do actually want a relationship." I finally told him that his indecisiveness was a sign that he must not be ready and that we should go our separate ways. It was highly emotional. I ran into him a few days ago, and both of us were choking back tears again.

    So here's my issue...even though things have been very rocky (at best) with us when we proceed into romantic territory, I am still not convinced for some reason that walking away entirely from it was the right thing to do! I've never felt such a strong connection with someone, its like I've known him my entire life or something. He always says he feels the same way about me. Spending time with him and talking to him has really helped me grow alot as a person and I also really enjoy just being with him. There's a part of me that wonders if things would eventually work out if we stuck it out long enough? Or maybe I'm just dillusional? Codependent?

    What should I do? Just wait it out and hopefully get over it in time, or try to just be friends again? I've never been this baffled about a relationship before. Please help!

  2. #2
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    One more thing: he's definitely not seeing anyone else and hasn't been in a serious relationship in 3 years. His last relationship ended in the woman breaking his heart very badly. He told me that this was the first time he'd even considered a relationship since then.

    Ok, I'll stop talking now :-)

  3. #3
    Once Was Synarch's Avatar
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    Sounds intense. I guess I would try just being friends and keeping things light.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  4. #4
    Senior Member velocity's Avatar
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    tl;dr.



    i couldn't resist.


    limit your contact with him. i would advise drastically. his "infj stat(u)s" and this amazing love connection is secondary to the fact that you want a relationship and he has not committed to you. your unavailability and change of direction ideally galvanize him into some action. your emotional stability and happiness is key here - his presence is not contributing to that and i doubt the "friendship charade" would be satisfying for long, due to the strong presence of the love elephant stubbornly squatting in the room.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Quiet's Avatar
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    Awe, this sounds really hard. as an INFJ yourself, you must be able to relate to how difficult and confusing it can be to take a HUGE chance and risk. Clearly he's been really hurt, and his ambivalence is probably because of the fact that he wants to be with you since he's become attached, and being scared to be with you because he's become attached. There is that part of us that we hold back from other people, and it's not in the words that we say, or the things that we share and do, it's the wierd confusing stubbornness that tells us we will be different people and we might change somehow after sharing those words and those things. It would feel like unfamiliar territory to be so open with ourselves. Add commitment to the equasion (sp?) and that risk jumps two fold...

    I know that you're attached too, and maybe you've also been really hurt. It's an important piece of information with regards to his quitting drinking. As it's common knowlegde that the addiction isn't the problem for any addict, it's dealing with life without the substance or behavior, his feelings may have been too overwealming for him to trust himself with. As you posess natural Fe, I'm sure that you'll understand everything if you allow your Fe to direct you, coupled with the fact that he needs to trust that you'll accept and understand him and be there for him. Some of the best relationships have deep and healthy roots of a supportive friendship. If the chemistry's there, along with the Ni - Fe magical connection, maybe things could look different in the future. He's shared things with you that he's never shared with anyone else. That must be scary for him. Sharing things is one thing, but allowing another to become intimately intertwined in the "living the shared things" is a whole new level. Just take it slow, and it could turn out well.

    Final thought: Just remember to look after yourself too throughout all this. I know how it goes, with thinking about everyone else's views and needs first to keep the harmony going. I'm a hypocrit for reminding you to make sure you don't struggle and suffer too much over this one because I suck so bad with this myself. Balance is the key.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    Sounds intense. I guess I would try just being friends and keeping things light.

    ^definitely that.

  7. #7
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    Thanks for the feedback, everyone. The more I think about it, the more I realize I have no choice other than to significantly limit contact. Velocity, you're right. Despite my feelings I just can't engage in a "friendship charade," because that's exactly what it would be. I'm just going to give it a lot of time and space for now.

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