• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[ENFP] xNFP and selfishness?

mr.awesome

New member
Joined
Jan 2, 2010
Messages
368
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
So in the past months the past two women ive been attracted to have 2 things in common..
1. They were both xNFP, [one tested more E, one more I]
2. I cant help but get the vibe they only want to talk about themselves.

Honest to god, one of them was a ginormous flirt, and was open about it, it was very obvious the relationship from her perspective was 90% eye candy and 10% communication. as all she wanted to seem to do when around me was talk about other boys she hangs out with and takes pictures of me.
The other, relationship is a healthy 10% attraction and 90% communication. but the communication is always about her. when a topic is coming to a close its like she just keeps saying random shiz about her friends and stuff i already know and is just shouting awkward small talk. the connection is there but dear god does she really not care so much as to put off the topic of me?

insight? help?
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Why are you attracted to them? :D

Remember that people with Fi tend to discuss things from their own pov and how they feel about it. It can be experienced as being selfish, but it's just that they haven't learned yet that not everyone sees the world that way. My guess is that she doesn't like awkward silences, she does like your company and wants to keep some topic going, hoping to spend more time with you. Sharing pov's can be really fun and create a nice bond between people and she probably is desperate for you to jump in with your pov and your stories (it's the way to get to know one another). If she truly is ENFP, unfortunately, she's bound to be verbally gifted and Ne tends to get away from her occasionally. Ne also has the tendency of being so absorbed by what is going on that it isn't able to see that she's going overboard or annoying you, till it's too late, at which point she probably nervously tries to engage you again to get that spark/click you had going before back. Although it looks like selfishness, it's usually a sign of extreme enthusiasm and nervousness, ime. Coz of this 'problem', some enfps seem unable to listen, as everything you say triggers another exciting thought they cannot help but blurt out. It's....overeager connecting. She probably likes you a lot :)

Some people are endeared by the Ne-waterfall. And they will patiently wait it out. Help her unwind. Let a silence fall in the convo once she's done ranting, but smile. And exude calm. Don't be offended when she interrupts you, just gently continue with your story right after her remarks. She'll probably get the hint and become genuinly interested as well in listening to you ;)
 

BlackCat

Shaman
Joined
Nov 19, 2008
Messages
7,038
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Are they enneagram 4's? 4's (or any heart triad member really) tend to love to talk about themselves when they trust someone in my experience.

EDIT: Another thing to keep in mind is that I'm sure that they wouldn't talk about themselves unless they thought you liked it or wanted to know...

They could just be really annoying, you know. That's not really a type trait.
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
Joined
Jan 14, 2008
Messages
9,801
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4w5
WTF!?!?!?

I'm both an ENFP and enneagram 4w5, and I am neither selfish nor do I love to prattle on about myself in conversations.

It is true, however, that if I do open up, and talk about myself to you that I consider you a dear friend, someone I can absolutely trust.

I started a thread a while ago about ENFPs and listening.

And, sigh, apparently not all of us are good listeners, but many of us are. I've been active listening before I ever even knew wtf active listening was or meant.

When I become depressed, however, I become a recluse, and some interpret this lack of social-ness to be selfish, which it's not.
 
Last edited:
A

A window to the soul

Guest
So in the past months the past two women ive been attracted to have 2 things in common..
1. They were both xNFP, [one tested more E, one more I]
2. I cant help but get the vibe they only want to talk about themselves.

Honest to god, one of them was a ginormous flirt, and was open about it, it was very obvious the relationship from her perspective was 90% eye candy and 10% communication. as all she wanted to seem to do when around me was talk about other boys she hangs out with and takes pictures of me.
The other, relationship is a healthy 10% attraction and 90% communication. but the communication is always about her. when a topic is coming to a close its like she just keeps saying random shiz about her friends and stuff i already know and is just shouting awkward small talk. the connection is there but dear god does she really not care so much as to put off the topic of me?

insight? help?

:chillpill: Sounds like one, if not both, likes you a lot. :yes:
 

21%

You have a choice!
Joined
May 15, 2009
Messages
3,224
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
I think Fe-ers are usually more aware of conversation 'turns' and will semi-consciously try to keep a balance. Fi-ers go with what feels right. So usually when they talk about themselves, it means they trust you and it is probably an invitation for you to start talking about yourself, too. :)
 

simulatedworld

Freshman Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2008
Messages
5,552
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
This is mostly just true of type 4 NFPs, who often display an attitude along the lines of: "I am really emotional and this is how my feelings are and I'm NOT going to compromise them, so deal with it or leave"
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I think Fe-ers are usually more aware of conversation 'turns' and will semi-consciously try to keep a balance. Fi-ers go with what feels right. So usually when they talk about themselves, it means they trust you and it is probably an invitation for you to start talking about yourself, too. :)

this is true too tho i think... there's a sort of back and forth relating like that...this is my experience...then you state yours...back and forth a bit and discuss it...it's called sharing.. i think we ask a lot of questions too...it comes from trying to share ideas n such....i think we like to listen as much as we like to talk...
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
This is mostly just true of type 4 NFPs, who often display an attitude along the lines of: "I am really emotional and this is how my feelings are and I'm NOT going to compromise them, so deal with it or leave"

Being yourself when seeking out a compatible mate is a prerequisite. Compromising who you are is only setting yourself up for failure, later. I see nothing wrong with being this way and there are those (maybe not you or perhaps even the OP), who actually appreciate and seek out the pool of emotion that makes up the heart of a 4 ;)
 

simulatedworld

Freshman Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2008
Messages
5,552
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Being yourself when seeking out a compatible mate is a prerequisite. Compromising who you are is only setting yourself up for failure, later. I see nothing wrong with being this way and there are those (maybe not you or perhaps even the OP), who actually appreciate and seek out the pool of emotion that makes up the heart of a 4 ;)

I wasn't talking about finding mates, just life in general. Most of my Fi complaints are really mainly about type 4 INFPs.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I wasn't talking about finding mates, just life in general. Most of my Fi complaints are really mainly about type 4 INFPs.

Since finding a deep connection requires authenticity, it makes sense they're unwilling to compromise there as well. Ime, it's only as you learn to appreciate casual connections that you learn to sorta...tone down the intensity. But seriously, it's a drag and just done to smoothen out some bumps. Mindnumbingly boring, though, especially as you're still getting used to it.
 

simulatedworld

Freshman Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2008
Messages
5,552
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Since finding a deep connection requires authenticity, it makes sense they're unwilling to compromise there as well. Ime, it's only as you learn to appreciate casual connections that you learn to sorta...tone down the intensity. But seriously, it's a drag and just done to smoothen out some bumps. Mindnumbingly boring, though, especially as you're still getting used to it.

I said I wasn't talking about finding mates/deep connections.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I said I wasn't talking about finding mates/deep connections.

Grin. That's just it. Most of us are *always* looking for those connections, both in close friends and in our SO. The people we care about deeply. Other connections are already a compromise on its own..watered down, basically. Lacking flavour. While some of us might learn how to gulp it down, I can imagine some of us not having learned that yet, or just flat out refusing to do so.
 

simulatedworld

Freshman Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2008
Messages
5,552
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Grin. That's just it. Most of us are *always* looking for those connections, both in close friends and in our SO. The people we care about deeply. Other connections are already a compromise on its own..watered down, basically. Lacking flavour. While some of us might learn how to gulp it down, I can imagine some of us not having learned that yet, or just flat out refusing to do so.

And that doesn't strike you as a little bit selfish?
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
And that doesn't strike you as a little bit selfish?

Why? Coz we choose to stipulate the social contract on our terms? You're setting your own terms, by refusing that deep connection on your own. It's a matter of finding either a deal that works on both sides, or not having a contract at all. I don't see how me sticking to what I want out of the relationship is anymore selfish than your refusal to invest as much as I'm willing to. Maintaining a social contact that does not go deep, drains me, instead of recharges me. I don't get anything out of it. Why would I cater to your needs if you won't cater to mine?
 

simulatedworld

Freshman Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2008
Messages
5,552
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Why? Coz we choose to stipulate the social contract on our terms? You're setting your own terms, by refusing that deep connection on your own. It's a matter of finding either a deal that works on both sides, or not having a contract at all. I don't see how me sticking to what I want out of the relationship is anymore selfish than your refusal to invest as much as I'm willing to.

Because "I'm not ever going to compromise my feelings" sometimes translates into "I should always get my way."

I might be compelled to work with you in a job-related situation, for instance, where I'm under no obligation to develop a deep connection with you. Or I might be a family member with a familial obligation to interact with you that I didn't voluntarily choose.

In these situations it seems to make more sense to go with some kind of general standard of behavior instead of always insisting on getting your way.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Because "I'm not ever going to compromise my feelings" sometimes translates into "I should always get my way."

I might be compelled to work with you in a job-related situation, for instance, where I'm under no obligation to develop a deep connection with you. Or I might be a family member with a familial obligation to interact with you that I didn't voluntarily choose.

In these situations it seems to make more sense to go with some kind of general standard of behavior instead of always insisting on getting your way.

*shrugs*
That's different. Colleagues are needed to do a job. So it's a different contract. Though it's a bonus to form a deep bond with them, it's not a necessity. You're there to get to a goal together. And if you don't, if you're just sitting together while you work seperately, then that's all the connection therew ill be. Family is a drag on me, coz the 'social rules of politeness' just drain the life out of me. I have to be nice and polite and listen to chit chat, while not being in sync with these people. I do it for one reason: I have a strong bond with my mother, she's awesome. She cares about this stuff. Very much so. As an ISFJ, she cares about seeing her family in one room, enjoys it tremendously. For her, I will be there every time. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother. No need.

Those that haven't learned yet that others cannot handle/do not seek the same deep bonds they do, are often still trying to gain those bonds and are hurt and confused when others turn them away. It takes a while before you realize that the rest is just not..willing to share that with you. So yeah, if you wanna see that as 'getting your way', feel free. I personally found it very hurtful and experienced it as rejection. These days, I just know that it's just people. Nothing more.

There are other reasons to agree to a social contract, coz it benefits both parties in a different way by cooperating towards a common goal for instance. But those are exceptions and short-term.

Edit: anycase we should stop derailing *sigh*
 

simulatedworld

Freshman Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2008
Messages
5,552
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
*shrugs*
That's different. Colleagues are needed to do a job. So it's a different contract. Though it's a bonus to form a deep bond with them, it's not a necessity. You're there to get to a goal together. And if you don't, if you're just sitting together while you work seperately, then that's all the connection therew ill be. Family is a drag on me, coz the 'social rules of politeness' just drain the life out of me. I have to be nice and polite and listen to chit chat, while not being in sync with these people. I do it for one reason: I have a strong bond with my mother, she's awesome. She cares about this stuff. Very much so. As an ISFJ, she cares about seeing her family in one room, enjoys it tremendously. For her, I will be there every time. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother. No need.

Those that haven't learned yet that others cannot handle/do not seek the same deep bonds they do, are often still trying to gain those bonds and are hurt and confused when others turn them away. It takes a while before you realize that the rest is just not..willing to share that with you. So yeah, if you wanna see that as 'getting your way', feel free. I personally found it very hurtful and experienced it as rejection. These days, I just know that it's just people. Nothing more.

There are other reasons to agree to a social contract, coz it benefits both parties in a different way by cooperating towards a common goal for instance. But those are exceptions and short-term.

Edit: anycase we should stop derailing *sigh*

So this deep bond thing is only important in reference to people who voluntarily choose to interact with you and could/should stop interacting with you if they don't want to accept the terms of the bond?
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
So this deep bond thing is only important in reference to people who voluntarily choose to interact with you and could/should stop interacting with you if they don't want to accept the terms of the bond?

Free will is a big thing for me :)
As is authenticity. You don't enjoy what I have to offer, I'd be even more insulted if you stayed and faked it. For that matter..if you faked it, it wouldn't feel right anyways, so there's no point. I won't enjoy the rejection, but I've learned that not everyone is compatible, and it's better than living a lie.

If you're still adjusting to the fact that people don't experience this as you do, you can get frustrated trying to make this bond with everyone, including co-workers and family, as it comes so natural to you and it doesn't even occur to you that others wouldn't want that. In fact..the only reason why they wouldn't want to appears at that point to be...coz they do not care as much as you do about them. Painful. Hence the drama.
 

simulatedworld

Freshman Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2008
Messages
5,552
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Free will is a big thing for me :)
As is authenticity. You don't enjoy what I have to offer, I'd be even more insulted if you stayed and faked it. For that matter..if you faked it, it wouldn't feel right anyways, so there's no point. I won't enjoy the rejection, but I've learned that not everyone is compatible, and it's better than living a lie.

If you're still adjusting to the fact that people don't experience this as you do, you can get frustrated trying to make this bond with everyone, including co-workers and family, as it comes so natural to you and it doesn't even occur to you that others wouldn't want that. In fact..the only reason why they wouldn't want to appears at that point to be...coz they do not care as much as you do about them. Painful. Hence the drama.

What if I do enjoy most things about your personality, but think you blow things out of proportion sometimes? If I fake it and pretend I agree with you when I think you're just being melodramatic, is that offensive?
 
Top