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  1. #1
    Senior Member mr.awesome's Avatar
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    Default xNFP and selfishness?

    So in the past months the past two women ive been attracted to have 2 things in common..
    1. They were both xNFP, [one tested more E, one more I]
    2. I cant help but get the vibe they only want to talk about themselves.

    Honest to god, one of them was a ginormous flirt, and was open about it, it was very obvious the relationship from her perspective was 90% eye candy and 10% communication. as all she wanted to seem to do when around me was talk about other boys she hangs out with and takes pictures of me.
    The other, relationship is a healthy 10% attraction and 90% communication. but the communication is always about her. when a topic is coming to a close its like she just keeps saying random shiz about her friends and stuff i already know and is just shouting awkward small talk. the connection is there but dear god does she really not care so much as to put off the topic of me?

    insight? help?
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  2. #2
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Why are you attracted to them?

    Remember that people with Fi tend to discuss things from their own pov and how they feel about it. It can be experienced as being selfish, but it's just that they haven't learned yet that not everyone sees the world that way. My guess is that she doesn't like awkward silences, she does like your company and wants to keep some topic going, hoping to spend more time with you. Sharing pov's can be really fun and create a nice bond between people and she probably is desperate for you to jump in with your pov and your stories (it's the way to get to know one another). If she truly is ENFP, unfortunately, she's bound to be verbally gifted and Ne tends to get away from her occasionally. Ne also has the tendency of being so absorbed by what is going on that it isn't able to see that she's going overboard or annoying you, till it's too late, at which point she probably nervously tries to engage you again to get that spark/click you had going before back. Although it looks like selfishness, it's usually a sign of extreme enthusiasm and nervousness, ime. Coz of this 'problem', some enfps seem unable to listen, as everything you say triggers another exciting thought they cannot help but blurt out. It's....overeager connecting. She probably likes you a lot

    Some people are endeared by the Ne-waterfall. And they will patiently wait it out. Help her unwind. Let a silence fall in the convo once she's done ranting, but smile. And exude calm. Don't be offended when she interrupts you, just gently continue with your story right after her remarks. She'll probably get the hint and become genuinly interested as well in listening to you
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  3. #3
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Are they enneagram 4's? 4's (or any heart triad member really) tend to love to talk about themselves when they trust someone in my experience.

    EDIT: Another thing to keep in mind is that I'm sure that they wouldn't talk about themselves unless they thought you liked it or wanted to know...

    They could just be really annoying, you know. That's not really a type trait.
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  4. #4
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    WTF!?!?!?

    I'm both an ENFP and enneagram 4w5, and I am neither selfish nor do I love to prattle on about myself in conversations.

    It is true, however, that if I do open up, and talk about myself to you that I consider you a dear friend, someone I can absolutely trust.

    I started a thread a while ago about ENFPs and listening.

    And, sigh, apparently not all of us are good listeners, but many of us are. I've been active listening before I ever even knew wtf active listening was or meant.

    When I become depressed, however, I become a recluse, and some interpret this lack of social-ness to be selfish, which it's not.
    Last edited by SillySapienne; 03-06-2010 at 01:19 AM.
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by mr.awesome View Post
    So in the past months the past two women ive been attracted to have 2 things in common..
    1. They were both xNFP, [one tested more E, one more I]
    2. I cant help but get the vibe they only want to talk about themselves.

    Honest to god, one of them was a ginormous flirt, and was open about it, it was very obvious the relationship from her perspective was 90% eye candy and 10% communication. as all she wanted to seem to do when around me was talk about other boys she hangs out with and takes pictures of me.
    The other, relationship is a healthy 10% attraction and 90% communication. but the communication is always about her. when a topic is coming to a close its like she just keeps saying random shiz about her friends and stuff i already know and is just shouting awkward small talk. the connection is there but dear god does she really not care so much as to put off the topic of me?

    insight? help?
    Sounds like one, if not both, likes you a lot.

  6. #6
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    I think Fe-ers are usually more aware of conversation 'turns' and will semi-consciously try to keep a balance. Fi-ers go with what feels right. So usually when they talk about themselves, it means they trust you and it is probably an invitation for you to start talking about yourself, too.

  7. #7
    Freshman Member simulatedworld's Avatar
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    This is mostly just true of type 4 NFPs, who often display an attitude along the lines of: "I am really emotional and this is how my feelings are and I'm NOT going to compromise them, so deal with it or leave"
    If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed--am I right?

  8. #8
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    I think Fe-ers are usually more aware of conversation 'turns' and will semi-consciously try to keep a balance. Fi-ers go with what feels right. So usually when they talk about themselves, it means they trust you and it is probably an invitation for you to start talking about yourself, too.
    this is true too tho i think... there's a sort of back and forth relating like that...this is my experience...then you state yours...back and forth a bit and discuss it...it's called sharing.. i think we ask a lot of questions too...it comes from trying to share ideas n such....i think we like to listen as much as we like to talk...
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  9. #9
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by simulatedworld View Post
    This is mostly just true of type 4 NFPs, who often display an attitude along the lines of: "I am really emotional and this is how my feelings are and I'm NOT going to compromise them, so deal with it or leave"
    Being yourself when seeking out a compatible mate is a prerequisite. Compromising who you are is only setting yourself up for failure, later. I see nothing wrong with being this way and there are those (maybe not you or perhaps even the OP), who actually appreciate and seek out the pool of emotion that makes up the heart of a 4
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  10. #10
    Freshman Member simulatedworld's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Being yourself when seeking out a compatible mate is a prerequisite. Compromising who you are is only setting yourself up for failure, later. I see nothing wrong with being this way and there are those (maybe not you or perhaps even the OP), who actually appreciate and seek out the pool of emotion that makes up the heart of a 4
    I wasn't talking about finding mates, just life in general. Most of my Fi complaints are really mainly about type 4 INFPs.
    If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed--am I right?

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