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  1. #11
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by simulatedworld View Post
    I wasn't talking about finding mates, just life in general. Most of my Fi complaints are really mainly about type 4 INFPs.
    Since finding a deep connection requires authenticity, it makes sense they're unwilling to compromise there as well. Ime, it's only as you learn to appreciate casual connections that you learn to sorta...tone down the intensity. But seriously, it's a drag and just done to smoothen out some bumps. Mindnumbingly boring, though, especially as you're still getting used to it.
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  2. #12
    Freshman Member simulatedworld's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Since finding a deep connection requires authenticity, it makes sense they're unwilling to compromise there as well. Ime, it's only as you learn to appreciate casual connections that you learn to sorta...tone down the intensity. But seriously, it's a drag and just done to smoothen out some bumps. Mindnumbingly boring, though, especially as you're still getting used to it.
    I said I wasn't talking about finding mates/deep connections.
    If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed--am I right?

  3. #13
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by simulatedworld View Post
    I said I wasn't talking about finding mates/deep connections.
    Grin. That's just it. Most of us are *always* looking for those connections, both in close friends and in our SO. The people we care about deeply. Other connections are already a compromise on its own..watered down, basically. Lacking flavour. While some of us might learn how to gulp it down, I can imagine some of us not having learned that yet, or just flat out refusing to do so.
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  4. #14
    Freshman Member simulatedworld's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Grin. That's just it. Most of us are *always* looking for those connections, both in close friends and in our SO. The people we care about deeply. Other connections are already a compromise on its own..watered down, basically. Lacking flavour. While some of us might learn how to gulp it down, I can imagine some of us not having learned that yet, or just flat out refusing to do so.
    And that doesn't strike you as a little bit selfish?
    If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed--am I right?

  5. #15
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by simulatedworld View Post
    And that doesn't strike you as a little bit selfish?
    Why? Coz we choose to stipulate the social contract on our terms? You're setting your own terms, by refusing that deep connection on your own. It's a matter of finding either a deal that works on both sides, or not having a contract at all. I don't see how me sticking to what I want out of the relationship is anymore selfish than your refusal to invest as much as I'm willing to. Maintaining a social contact that does not go deep, drains me, instead of recharges me. I don't get anything out of it. Why would I cater to your needs if you won't cater to mine?
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  6. #16
    Freshman Member simulatedworld's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Why? Coz we choose to stipulate the social contract on our terms? You're setting your own terms, by refusing that deep connection on your own. It's a matter of finding either a deal that works on both sides, or not having a contract at all. I don't see how me sticking to what I want out of the relationship is anymore selfish than your refusal to invest as much as I'm willing to.
    Because "I'm not ever going to compromise my feelings" sometimes translates into "I should always get my way."

    I might be compelled to work with you in a job-related situation, for instance, where I'm under no obligation to develop a deep connection with you. Or I might be a family member with a familial obligation to interact with you that I didn't voluntarily choose.

    In these situations it seems to make more sense to go with some kind of general standard of behavior instead of always insisting on getting your way.
    If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed--am I right?

  7. #17
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by simulatedworld View Post
    Because "I'm not ever going to compromise my feelings" sometimes translates into "I should always get my way."

    I might be compelled to work with you in a job-related situation, for instance, where I'm under no obligation to develop a deep connection with you. Or I might be a family member with a familial obligation to interact with you that I didn't voluntarily choose.

    In these situations it seems to make more sense to go with some kind of general standard of behavior instead of always insisting on getting your way.
    *shrugs*
    That's different. Colleagues are needed to do a job. So it's a different contract. Though it's a bonus to form a deep bond with them, it's not a necessity. You're there to get to a goal together. And if you don't, if you're just sitting together while you work seperately, then that's all the connection therew ill be. Family is a drag on me, coz the 'social rules of politeness' just drain the life out of me. I have to be nice and polite and listen to chit chat, while not being in sync with these people. I do it for one reason: I have a strong bond with my mother, she's awesome. She cares about this stuff. Very much so. As an ISFJ, she cares about seeing her family in one room, enjoys it tremendously. For her, I will be there every time. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother. No need.

    Those that haven't learned yet that others cannot handle/do not seek the same deep bonds they do, are often still trying to gain those bonds and are hurt and confused when others turn them away. It takes a while before you realize that the rest is just not..willing to share that with you. So yeah, if you wanna see that as 'getting your way', feel free. I personally found it very hurtful and experienced it as rejection. These days, I just know that it's just people. Nothing more.

    There are other reasons to agree to a social contract, coz it benefits both parties in a different way by cooperating towards a common goal for instance. But those are exceptions and short-term.

    Edit: anycase we should stop derailing *sigh*
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  8. #18
    Freshman Member simulatedworld's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    *shrugs*
    That's different. Colleagues are needed to do a job. So it's a different contract. Though it's a bonus to form a deep bond with them, it's not a necessity. You're there to get to a goal together. And if you don't, if you're just sitting together while you work seperately, then that's all the connection therew ill be. Family is a drag on me, coz the 'social rules of politeness' just drain the life out of me. I have to be nice and polite and listen to chit chat, while not being in sync with these people. I do it for one reason: I have a strong bond with my mother, she's awesome. She cares about this stuff. Very much so. As an ISFJ, she cares about seeing her family in one room, enjoys it tremendously. For her, I will be there every time. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother. No need.

    Those that haven't learned yet that others cannot handle/do not seek the same deep bonds they do, are often still trying to gain those bonds and are hurt and confused when others turn them away. It takes a while before you realize that the rest is just not..willing to share that with you. So yeah, if you wanna see that as 'getting your way', feel free. I personally found it very hurtful and experienced it as rejection. These days, I just know that it's just people. Nothing more.

    There are other reasons to agree to a social contract, coz it benefits both parties in a different way by cooperating towards a common goal for instance. But those are exceptions and short-term.

    Edit: anycase we should stop derailing *sigh*
    So this deep bond thing is only important in reference to people who voluntarily choose to interact with you and could/should stop interacting with you if they don't want to accept the terms of the bond?
    If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed--am I right?

  9. #19
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by simulatedworld View Post
    So this deep bond thing is only important in reference to people who voluntarily choose to interact with you and could/should stop interacting with you if they don't want to accept the terms of the bond?
    Free will is a big thing for me
    As is authenticity. You don't enjoy what I have to offer, I'd be even more insulted if you stayed and faked it. For that matter..if you faked it, it wouldn't feel right anyways, so there's no point. I won't enjoy the rejection, but I've learned that not everyone is compatible, and it's better than living a lie.

    If you're still adjusting to the fact that people don't experience this as you do, you can get frustrated trying to make this bond with everyone, including co-workers and family, as it comes so natural to you and it doesn't even occur to you that others wouldn't want that. In fact..the only reason why they wouldn't want to appears at that point to be...coz they do not care as much as you do about them. Painful. Hence the drama.
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  10. #20
    Freshman Member simulatedworld's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Free will is a big thing for me
    As is authenticity. You don't enjoy what I have to offer, I'd be even more insulted if you stayed and faked it. For that matter..if you faked it, it wouldn't feel right anyways, so there's no point. I won't enjoy the rejection, but I've learned that not everyone is compatible, and it's better than living a lie.

    If you're still adjusting to the fact that people don't experience this as you do, you can get frustrated trying to make this bond with everyone, including co-workers and family, as it comes so natural to you and it doesn't even occur to you that others wouldn't want that. In fact..the only reason why they wouldn't want to appears at that point to be...coz they do not care as much as you do about them. Painful. Hence the drama.
    What if I do enjoy most things about your personality, but think you blow things out of proportion sometimes? If I fake it and pretend I agree with you when I think you're just being melodramatic, is that offensive?
    If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed--am I right?

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