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  1. #141
    Once Was Synarch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    i agree with what you say regarding seeing others. i do not know if infjs filter in a way that does this more than others, or if infjs are often more overly and mistakenly sure of their readings, or if it is just a case of infjs sensitivity in one area not being helpful at all in others and leading to blind spots relationally. i am also not sure if you are suggesting that infjs get hurt or do the hurting. or if they just have a tendency to introduce situations that are potentially damaging to many parties unnecessarily.
    It seems to be more a result of their own straightforwardness. They can assume that everyone is as straightforward and in control as they are.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  2. #142
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Would you say the best way to avoid this is not to engage? What about strangers who just randomly pick you to tell their life story too, even without you making contact with them. This actually happens.

  3. #143
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Would you say the best way to avoid this is not to engage? What about strangers who just randomly pick you to tell their life story too, even without you making contact with them. This actually happens.
    I honestly don't know. I think I'm too skeptical and suspicious of people to offer good, solid advice on the subject. But, I do know how men are. They can easily confuse niceness with receptivity.

    It's really a choice between two ways. Either trust everyone until they make some obvious violation or let people earn your trust. I choose to let people earn my trust and warmth rather than extend it by default. But, again, I am not sure I have the best approach on this score as I am a bit cynical.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  4. #144
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Would you say the best way to avoid this is not to engage? What about strangers who just randomly pick you to tell their life story too, even without you making contact with them. This actually happens.
    Here's the thing, also. Do women tend to initiate contact as much as men? Why do you think this is?
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  5. #145
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    i don't know, the so and the sx types seem the most likely to cheat. so is more distractable, and sx is more driven to find what it needs right now in the moment outta the way etc. so seems more avoidant of negativity and more go with the flow without being able to check the situation.

    as an (sx)/sp person, i am caught between my own sx impulses and my hugely explored sense of personal vulnerability. that is what keeps me in check. i have imagined the situation from the other perspective so many times, am so fearful of it (needlessly, over-valuing the destruction it would cause me, ruin me, etc), but this has resulted in a very strong desire for highly ethical behavior.

    it's difficult to decide what is right and true when the needs seem different (and no objective standpoint says how to do it or what is right). balancing them seems like the goal, but the priority is still as is. how can i be authentic to my sx desire and self-focus, my need for intense connection, while being ethical and making the most supportive version of /sp for my own becoming? i know that foresaking it completely will get me nowhere, i know that is must be strongly in support to check me and to create a firm and stable platform upon which i can live.

    i also believe that so/sx types and probably sx/so types don't have the same ramifications as the sp types. the sp types seem more damaged by the experience, are already more fearful, and the confirmation of these fears can make them more difficult to escape from.

  6. #146
    Once Was Synarch's Avatar
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    I think you just have to try to stay honest with yourself. This is amazingly difficult especially when you really want something.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  7. #147
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I think for me, it just is hard to be perceived as neutral. Either I am actively freezing someone out (which I usually only reserve for people who have actually crossed a boundary that I made clear they were not welcome to cross), or else people accept what I perceive to be as just mundane exchange as being hugely significant and receive a message of receptivity that I certainly don't feel. I don't want to give mixed messages. For the last several years I was in a relationship, and lived in a relatively isolated place where it was physically dangerous for other women in the community to see you interact with local men, so it really hasn't been a big issue for awhile.

    Also what does it mean that it's mostly it is older men? I know I do send out some sort of motherly, yet younger woman vibe that results in weird interactions and lonely men wanting to confide in me. This is not a demographic I'm aiming for. I'm not very naive, I've spent a number of years busking when I was younger for a summer job and so learned to be blunt when I needed to, and I generally keep a fairly good eye out for suspect people and listen to my gut feelings.

  8. #148
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    Here's the thing, also. Do women tend to initiate contact as much as men? Why do you think this is?
    Not as much, but pretty often. I've had strange ladies walk up to me in the middle of Costco (with my back to them, reading a magazine) and spontaneously pour out their life story and thoughts to me and finally invite me to come and visit them!

  9. #149
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Also what does it mean that it's mostly it is older men? I know I do send out some sort of motherly, yet younger woman vibe that results in weird interactions and lonely men wanting to confide in me. This is not a demographic I'm aiming for. I'm not very naive, I've spent a number of years busking when I was younger for a summer job and so learned to be blunt when I needed to, and I generally keep a fairly good eye out for suspect people and listen to my gut feelings.
    Vis a vis older men, it is easy to explain.

    To an older man, young women are not equals, never peers. So they tend to be more readily objectified and seen as objects of desire. It has been interesting to see in myself. When I see young women (early 20's for example), I cannot imagine relating to them as a peer. There is something off. Some distance created by the difference in age and experience. But, they can still be attractive in a particular and narrow sense.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  10. #150
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Not as much, but pretty often. I've had strange ladies walk up to me in the middle of Costco (with my back to them, reading a magazine) and spontaneously pour out their life story and thoughts to me and finally invite me to come and visit them!
    Yeah, that honestly never happens to me. But I'm fairly tall, bearded, and often looking disdainful.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

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