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[INFJ] Making sense of my INFJ friend.

Snow Turtle

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A little background about our relation. We have known each other for a long time online, initially with the belief that there might have been something between us in the future. However as time progressed, she realised that things weren't going to work out as she had hoped. I recall her writing something along the lines of 'Shattered Illusions' so it was evident that she was going to move on. Fast forward in time (Summer 2007), our contact drops to near-zero and in January 2009 I receive an e-mail, thanking me for having an influence on her but she needed time to herself away.

People here informed me the possability that there was alot of pressure in maintaining contact, especially since the bond was based partially on romance than just friendship. Got told that she's completely moving on, and that I'd probably never hear from her again. This september, I decide that it's been more than 9 months since I've talked to her so it'd be OK to send a general letter.

Now this is the part I don't get about her...

On my Birthday; I receive a reply back from her. The letter talks about how pleased she was to receive my letter, and that we should keep in touch more often in future. On the rare occasion that I catch her online, she ends the conversation with 'I'd love to talk more but I have to go now'. Essentially, this all gives me impression that she still wants to still be friends.

Yet, when talking to her online, often she gives the impression that she doesn't really care to chat. I find myself asking her questions constantly, only to receive back the most basic replies. The whole thing is essentially one sided, and it often makes me feel as if we're now just aquaintances. I try to rationalize the entire scenario by considering the possabilities that

a) She's naturally rather formal.
b) She doesn't really use online mediums.
c) It was past midnight on her side.

But I can't get around the fact that when I ask her if she has anything interesting happening in the future, I'm only told that there isn't really anything happening in her life, that she's just focusing on exams. Now, this wouldn't be much of a problem normally, except that I knew she was visiting the UK. I found out through my cousin who assumed that we'd naturally meet up as a group on the basis of our long-standing friendship with each other.

I just find the whole situation rather bizzare, as that'd surely be news-worthy material? Perhaps I'll find out in due time, but I get the idea that unless I raise it with her, chances are that the day will come and go without me ever finding out. If friendship works on the basis on self-disclosure, then I certainly don't get that from her anymore. Are the words just empty social 'Fe' politeness?

Tempted to confront her about the entire thing, to discuss whether she still has any interest in being friends with me. But considering that I haven't really spoken to her in so long, where the only forms of communincation is letters, it doesn't really seem appropriate as such. I'm not entirely sure how to approach this subject with her as it seems that confrontation might have more of a negative impact than positive.

But really, at this stage, I just want to know the truth.
 

Tiltyred

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I read down to
Essentially, this all gives me impression that she still wants to still be friends.
whereupon I shook my head No involuntarily.

She is being polite.
 

Fidelia

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Yep, she's being polite for sure.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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I don't think this is a type behavior thing. It's girl behavior. I agree with the others. She is being polite.
 

Snow Turtle

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If she's being polite, I suppose there's no harm in confronting her about the entire thing. I'd much rather be told the truth than to keep on putting effort into a friendship that died a long time ago.

To be honest, she should have realised a long time ago that I'm not one to leave close friendships unless it's 100% confirmed things are over. There doesn't have to be pain or awkwardness. It's true that while I might be a little upset (I've already grown accustomed to the fact that I won't ever hear from her); it's also perfectly understandable that people just lose interest in friendship.

Her telling me would be much more preferable to the lingering idea that we're still friends that are extremely busy with their lives. If that is the truth, I wish she would just tell me now but I suppose she might not want to deal with the aftermath/potentially feel guilty about dropping a friend.
 

Quiet

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She wants to avoid any awkwardness, pain and possible conflict. She is hoping that the lack of contact will just cause you to forget about her. I know it's hard to hear, but we hold back so much and we are more naturally suspicious... Often times (at least for me), when someone wants to get too close too fast, I can't help but ask the question: "What do you want from me?".

I personally need a lot of time to pass before I'm ready to take a step further, and it has to come from my wanting it, rather than feeling torn of wheather or not I should take a chance to please someone else, or slip away because I'm still scared. The end result is usually ambivalence, then I am more sure than not, that I need to move on. I always feel badly for the other person though, and just blame myself for hurting them.
 

Fidelia

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I think rather than confronting her, you can just safely assume that she is looking to distance herself. (If she was the one that liked you originally and the feeling was not returned, embarrassment may be one factor. And you are unlikely to be able to fix that, but she will still feel a little uncomfortable when she sees you.) Anytime someone says they would love to talk but..., it usually means they wouldn't love to talk or else they would. She may be wanting not to bang the door shut really hard so her options are open in the future (her response to your b'day letter kinds of sounds that way), or perhaps she does not feel close enough to you to bother having conflict over whatever issue made her decide to step back.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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I think rather than confronting her, you can just safely assume that she is looking to distance herself. (If she was the one that liked you originally and the feeling was not returned, embarrassment may be one factor. And you are unlikely to be able to fix that, but she will still feel a little uncomfortable when she sees you.) Anytime someone says they would love to talk but..., it usually means they wouldn't love to talk or else they would. She may be wanting not to bang the door shut really hard so her options are open in the future (her response to your b'day letter kinds of sounds that way), or perhaps she does not feel close enough to you to bother having conflict over whatever issue made her decide to step back.

+1
 

SilkRoad

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I think rather than confronting her, you can just safely assume that she is looking to distance herself. (If she was the one that liked you originally and the feeling was not returned, embarrassment may be one factor. And you are unlikely to be able to fix that, but she will still feel a little uncomfortable when she sees you.) Anytime someone says they would love to talk but..., it usually means they wouldn't love to talk or else they would. She may be wanting not to bang the door shut really hard so her options are open in the future (her response to your b'day letter kinds of sounds that way), or perhaps she does not feel close enough to you to bother having conflict over whatever issue made her decide to step back.

+2. I agree that she is being polite and doesn't want to hurt either you or herself.
 

Snow Turtle

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I think rather than confronting her, you can just safely assume that she is looking to distance herself. (If she was the one that liked you originally and the feeling was not returned, embarrassment may be one factor. And you are unlikely to be able to fix that, but she will still feel a little uncomfortable when she sees you.) Anytime someone says they would love to talk but..., it usually means they wouldn't love to talk or else they would. She may be wanting not to bang the door shut really hard so her options are open in the future (her response to your b'day letter kinds of sounds that way), or perhaps she does not feel close enough to you to bother having conflict over whatever issue made her decide to step back.

Thanks Fidelia. Thank you everyone else for the advice.

It's been already two years since we decided it won't work so it's a little difficult to see how embarrasment could still be a factor. For a period of time, she thought I was still chasing after her so I can understand her decision to distance herself. It's only in the recent months that I have been 'unblocked' so I assumed that things would go smoothly now that things are sorted. I'm not expecting much, just maybe an extremely low maintaince friendship where we still keep in touch from time to time. It'd be unrealistic to expect us to be as close as before hand, especially as she seems to be constantly busy with academia.

I've decided I'm just going to confront her about the situation. While this is a selfish move on my behalf, I don't think it's particularly fair on me to constantly wondering on the nature of our friendship. I don't like running on assumptions, as it'll likely lead me to wonder 'what if I was wrong' even if most of the evidence points towards one direction.

:blush: Guess it's those scenarios where I'd like to hear the words directly from the person themselves. I can accept the situation as long as I know with 100% certainty; it's more unfair for me (self-induced) to be left in uncertainty. Stubborness? Indeed.
 

21%

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^^

I don't think confronting her with this issue would be a bad thing. However, do try to make it non-accusing. Something along the line of "I know we've been in awkward situations before, but I think you are a great person. I value our friendship and I want us to be friends. If you feel it's too weird for you and you actually want to break off all contact, I can totally understand and won't hold it against you (leave her room to retreat)." In my opinion, just make it very clear that you are not trying to pursue her romantically anymore, but because of the closeness that you once shared you would like to remain friends. I think if you put yourself out there and make your intentions clear, she would do the same for you.

Non-closure sucks. Trying to get closure when the other person is not ready to give you one also sucks, but at least you're trying :blush:
 

Snow Turtle

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It's a little difficult to not accuse her of distancing herself considering that it is the main reason I'm confronting her. But it's true, I'm not really concerned with blame. Suppose one method is that I could just ask to discuss the nature of our friendship, followed by whether she's just moved on. At this stage, I can accept that as truth without being hurt.

It's more about whether I should continue investing in the friendship or not.
 

AphroditeGoneAwry

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But what is there to invest in, Kai? I understand how completely difficult it is to let someone go, especially when there are mixed messages from the other person. But the sooner you put distance between the two of you, and accept she doesn't have the same investment as you do in the relationship, and let go of hoping for it, the sooner you will gain some clarity of the situation, and be able to invest your energies elsewhere. I wish you the best.
 

purplesunset

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?????

Am I the only one here who thinks that this is one example where tact is more hurtful than honesty?

Why string you along in the name of being polite? Is this really a girl thing?

bummer...
 

Wyst

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Hey Kai,

My heart goes out to you. I've been the INFJ that, for whatever reason, needed space and began building in an arm's length between myself and another party. Try as they might, they've never been able to convince me to change my mind and any attempts to get me to explain what I really think about them have never gone well. It has only left them more confused.

Many times when these forced confrontations happen, I know the person just wants to hear me say what I'm really thinking so that I can move on. For INFJs to do that though... it's hard. It's not going to make the INFJ feel better and they know that saying the truth will also hurt the other person - that's two FAILs right there. It's sorta like a husband telling his wife 'Yes' when she asks 'Do you think I'm fat?'. INFJs AVOID no-win situations like that.

I know this isn't fun for you. Sorry, man.
 

Wyst

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?????

Am I the only one here who thinks that this is one example where tact is more hurtful than honesty?

Why string you along in the name of being polite? Is this really a girl thing?

bummer...

It is sad. Male INFJs do this too.
INFJs really do wish all other types had more Ni so that they could 'take a hint' and help us avoid conflict.
 

Snow Turtle

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But what is there to invest in, Kai? I understand how completely difficult it is to let someone go, especially when there are mixed messages from the other person. But the sooner you put distance between the two of you, and accept she doesn't have the same investment as you do in the relationship, and let go of hoping for it, the sooner you will gain some clarity of the situation, and be able to invest your energies elsewhere. I wish you the best.

Well. For a long time, I was still sending birthday wishes and writing e-mails every few months on the basis that she would still be interested in hearing about my life, even if she no longer has that time or ability to invest in the friendship. In that manner, I don't mind keeping her up to date if it's just that. I can maintain low-level friendship.

However, it's only now (caused by our last conversation) that I'm starting to question whether I'm just being silly and continuing to e-mail someone, someone that no longer cares at all anymore. It'd be easier for me to accept that we're just 'Old Friends' rather than assuming that she's still a friend in my life. In which case, I won't bother her anymore.

Thanks.
 

purplesunset

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It is sad. Male INFJs do this too.
INFJs really do wish all other types had more Ni so that they could 'take a hint' and help us avoid conflict.


I do not have much experience when it comes to this topic, but I do know that in relationships, relying on "Hints" in communication is rarely a good idea.

Doesn't matter if the other person is a born psychic with gigantic intuition antennas that go beep... beep...beep... sticking out from their foreheads.

There is always a chance that the hints which you think are clear, are actually garbled, fuzzy and uncertain to the other person.

I much prefer a blunt openness, than being in limbo. Sure, the truth would cut like a knife, but it's the difference between a quick, sharp pain and slow torture.
 

Quiet

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This is a tough one Kai and there's no real easy way to deal with it. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, however it really might be wise to just let her go. It was never you (and I know how much that sucks to hear), it was her lack of comfort level and that is her problem, not yours. You seem like a nice person and you really had a liking for her and are willing to maintain a friendship. It might be best to just leave it for a while, and see if she contacts you on some random occasion in the future. I think your last post indicates that you're on the right track.
 

purplesunset

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This is a tough one Kai and there's no real easy way to deal with it. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, however it really might be wise to just let her go. It was never you (and I know how much that sucks to hear), it was her lack of comfort level and that is her problem, not yours. You seem like a nice person and you really had a liking for her and are willing to maintain a friendship. It might be best to just leave it for a while, and see if she contacts you on some random occasion in the future. I think your last post indicates that you're on the right track.

Yeah, this is going to mess up my day. According to his last post, I think I'm taking this harder than Kai himself.

Empathy for the lose.
 
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