User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 39

  1. #1
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    1,335

    Default Making sense of my INFJ friend.

    A little background about our relation. We have known each other for a long time online, initially with the belief that there might have been something between us in the future. However as time progressed, she realised that things weren't going to work out as she had hoped. I recall her writing something along the lines of 'Shattered Illusions' so it was evident that she was going to move on. Fast forward in time (Summer 2007), our contact drops to near-zero and in January 2009 I receive an e-mail, thanking me for having an influence on her but she needed time to herself away.

    People here informed me the possability that there was alot of pressure in maintaining contact, especially since the bond was based partially on romance than just friendship. Got told that she's completely moving on, and that I'd probably never hear from her again. This september, I decide that it's been more than 9 months since I've talked to her so it'd be OK to send a general letter.

    Now this is the part I don't get about her...

    On my Birthday; I receive a reply back from her. The letter talks about how pleased she was to receive my letter, and that we should keep in touch more often in future. On the rare occasion that I catch her online, she ends the conversation with 'I'd love to talk more but I have to go now'. Essentially, this all gives me impression that she still wants to still be friends.

    Yet, when talking to her online, often she gives the impression that she doesn't really care to chat. I find myself asking her questions constantly, only to receive back the most basic replies. The whole thing is essentially one sided, and it often makes me feel as if we're now just aquaintances. I try to rationalize the entire scenario by considering the possabilities that

    a) She's naturally rather formal.
    b) She doesn't really use online mediums.
    c) It was past midnight on her side.

    But I can't get around the fact that when I ask her if she has anything interesting happening in the future, I'm only told that there isn't really anything happening in her life, that she's just focusing on exams. Now, this wouldn't be much of a problem normally, except that I knew she was visiting the UK. I found out through my cousin who assumed that we'd naturally meet up as a group on the basis of our long-standing friendship with each other.

    I just find the whole situation rather bizzare, as that'd surely be news-worthy material? Perhaps I'll find out in due time, but I get the idea that unless I raise it with her, chances are that the day will come and go without me ever finding out. If friendship works on the basis on self-disclosure, then I certainly don't get that from her anymore. Are the words just empty social 'Fe' politeness?

    Tempted to confront her about the entire thing, to discuss whether she still has any interest in being friends with me. But considering that I haven't really spoken to her in so long, where the only forms of communincation is letters, it doesn't really seem appropriate as such. I'm not entirely sure how to approach this subject with her as it seems that confrontation might have more of a negative impact than positive.

    But really, at this stage, I just want to know the truth.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    468 sx/sp
    Socionics
    EII None
    Posts
    4,383

    Default

    I read down to
    Essentially, this all gives me impression that she still wants to still be friends.
    whereupon I shook my head No involuntarily.

    She is being polite.

  3. #3
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,134

    Default

    Yep, she's being polite for sure.

  4. #4
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    ISTP
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/sp
    Posts
    5,537

    Default

    I don't think this is a type behavior thing. It's girl behavior. I agree with the others. She is being polite.
    ~luck favors the ready~


    Shameless Self-Promotion:MDP2525's Den and the Start of Motorcycle Maintenance

  5. #5
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    1,335

    Default

    If she's being polite, I suppose there's no harm in confronting her about the entire thing. I'd much rather be told the truth than to keep on putting effort into a friendship that died a long time ago.

    To be honest, she should have realised a long time ago that I'm not one to leave close friendships unless it's 100% confirmed things are over. There doesn't have to be pain or awkwardness. It's true that while I might be a little upset (I've already grown accustomed to the fact that I won't ever hear from her); it's also perfectly understandable that people just lose interest in friendship.

    Her telling me would be much more preferable to the lingering idea that we're still friends that are extremely busy with their lives. If that is the truth, I wish she would just tell me now but I suppose she might not want to deal with the aftermath/potentially feel guilty about dropping a friend.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Quiet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    5
    Posts
    321

    Default

    She wants to avoid any awkwardness, pain and possible conflict. She is hoping that the lack of contact will just cause you to forget about her. I know it's hard to hear, but we hold back so much and we are more naturally suspicious... Often times (at least for me), when someone wants to get too close too fast, I can't help but ask the question: "What do you want from me?".

    I personally need a lot of time to pass before I'm ready to take a step further, and it has to come from my wanting it, rather than feeling torn of wheather or not I should take a chance to please someone else, or slip away because I'm still scared. The end result is usually ambivalence, then I am more sure than not, that I need to move on. I always feel badly for the other person though, and just blame myself for hurting them.

  7. #7
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,134

    Default

    I think rather than confronting her, you can just safely assume that she is looking to distance herself. (If she was the one that liked you originally and the feeling was not returned, embarrassment may be one factor. And you are unlikely to be able to fix that, but she will still feel a little uncomfortable when she sees you.) Anytime someone says they would love to talk but..., it usually means they wouldn't love to talk or else they would. She may be wanting not to bang the door shut really hard so her options are open in the future (her response to your b'day letter kinds of sounds that way), or perhaps she does not feel close enough to you to bother having conflict over whatever issue made her decide to step back.

  8. #8
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    ISTP
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/sp
    Posts
    5,537

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I think rather than confronting her, you can just safely assume that she is looking to distance herself. (If she was the one that liked you originally and the feeling was not returned, embarrassment may be one factor. And you are unlikely to be able to fix that, but she will still feel a little uncomfortable when she sees you.) Anytime someone says they would love to talk but..., it usually means they wouldn't love to talk or else they would. She may be wanting not to bang the door shut really hard so her options are open in the future (her response to your b'day letter kinds of sounds that way), or perhaps she does not feel close enough to you to bother having conflict over whatever issue made her decide to step back.
    +1
    ~luck favors the ready~


    Shameless Self-Promotion:MDP2525's Den and the Start of Motorcycle Maintenance

  9. #9
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,938

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I think rather than confronting her, you can just safely assume that she is looking to distance herself. (If she was the one that liked you originally and the feeling was not returned, embarrassment may be one factor. And you are unlikely to be able to fix that, but she will still feel a little uncomfortable when she sees you.) Anytime someone says they would love to talk but..., it usually means they wouldn't love to talk or else they would. She may be wanting not to bang the door shut really hard so her options are open in the future (her response to your b'day letter kinds of sounds that way), or perhaps she does not feel close enough to you to bother having conflict over whatever issue made her decide to step back.
    +2. I agree that she is being polite and doesn't want to hurt either you or herself.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  10. #10
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    1,335

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I think rather than confronting her, you can just safely assume that she is looking to distance herself. (If she was the one that liked you originally and the feeling was not returned, embarrassment may be one factor. And you are unlikely to be able to fix that, but she will still feel a little uncomfortable when she sees you.) Anytime someone says they would love to talk but..., it usually means they wouldn't love to talk or else they would. She may be wanting not to bang the door shut really hard so her options are open in the future (her response to your b'day letter kinds of sounds that way), or perhaps she does not feel close enough to you to bother having conflict over whatever issue made her decide to step back.
    Thanks Fidelia. Thank you everyone else for the advice.

    It's been already two years since we decided it won't work so it's a little difficult to see how embarrasment could still be a factor. For a period of time, she thought I was still chasing after her so I can understand her decision to distance herself. It's only in the recent months that I have been 'unblocked' so I assumed that things would go smoothly now that things are sorted. I'm not expecting much, just maybe an extremely low maintaince friendship where we still keep in touch from time to time. It'd be unrealistic to expect us to be as close as before hand, especially as she seems to be constantly busy with academia.

    I've decided I'm just going to confront her about the situation. While this is a selfish move on my behalf, I don't think it's particularly fair on me to constantly wondering on the nature of our friendship. I don't like running on assumptions, as it'll likely lead me to wonder 'what if I was wrong' even if most of the evidence points towards one direction.

    Guess it's those scenarios where I'd like to hear the words directly from the person themselves. I can accept the situation as long as I know with 100% certainty; it's more unfair for me (self-induced) to be left in uncertainty. Stubborness? Indeed.

Similar Threads

  1. [INFJ] Why do my INFJ friend behaves like this?
    By shanix in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 10-23-2015, 05:23 AM
  2. [INFJ] How do I flag up self-centeredness to my INFJ friend?
    By SilkRoad in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 06-17-2010, 03:58 AM
  3. Type one of my best friends, please?
    By Qre:us in forum What's my Type?
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 11-05-2009, 06:00 PM
  4. Help me make sense of myself
    By Numbers in forum What's my Type?
    Replies: 23
    Last Post: 04-06-2008, 01:55 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO