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  1. #31
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    I get the feeling that the answer is that I'd receive no reply. It wouldn't surprise me that the only thing that's stopping her from dropping the entire relation is the fact that I'm still contacting with her. So in a sense, our friendship has probably dropped to the level where if I don't initiate, then I won't be speaking to her. Looking at it from that perspective, it's really not a friendship anymore.

    Guess I'll just send her a final birthday wish and then leave it. I've mulled over it a little longer, and there isn't really any rush to find out the 'truth' as I can operate on the basis that she's no longer interested in being friends. Time will tell if this assumption is wrong, but it's mostly correct.

    Thanks everyone for the guidance. Think I've finally come to a rough conclusion on how to move forward.
    That sounds like a healthy way to leave it. Hopefully you'll get some relief now that you have come to some mental acceptance of it. It will get easier with time.

    Quote Originally Posted by purplesunset View Post
    I suspected that too, which is why I said above that your situation is a very painful one.

    Do you think that physical distance and the means of communication is playing a role? Do you think things would be different if you were physically talking to each other, as opposed to using letters?

    Perhaps INFJ's are an "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" type. Or maybe they need to have a person whom they can physically touch and physically be in proximity to in order to get the cues that they need to feel close to someone.

    This goes against what being intuitive is all about, but maybe since INFJ's have Fe, they really need that element of human touch and human proximity.
    Not speaking for all INFJs here, but that is exactly how I am. Unless I like someone very, very much, in which case I will be happy for a long distance thing, I personally do not like to continue distance friendships. It's not even a question of choice for me. I just don't do it. I don't keep up with high school friends (even on facebook), beyond the occasional obligatory email; and even if you live near me, but don't make an real effort to get together fairly regularly, I'm probably going to move on. I just am sort-of all or nothing that way, as harsh as it sounds.
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  2. #32
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aphrodite-gone-awry View Post
    Not speaking for all INFJs here, but that is exactly how I am. Unless I like someone very, very much, in which case I will be happy for a long distance thing, I personally do not like to continue distance friendships. It's not even a question of choice for me. I just don't do it. I don't keep up with high school friends (even on facebook), beyond the occasional obligatory email; and even if you live near me, but don't make an real effort to get together fairly regularly, I'm probably going to move on. I just am sort-of all or nothing that way, as harsh as it sounds.
    Completely the same here. Only once did I have a long distance friend that I corresponded with for a long time, but I started to realize it was becoming more some kind of journal writing exercise for me than true pen-pal friendship. I feel bad that I'm not a good long distance friend, but I have to accept that its pretty much how it is. But my memories of and feelings about people don't disappear.


    I also wish you well on this resolution, Kai.
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  3. #33
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aphrodite-gone-awry View Post
    Not speaking for all INFJs here, but that is exactly how I am. Unless I like someone very, very much, in which case I will be happy for a long distance thing, I personally do not like to continue distance friendships. It's not even a question of choice for me. I just don't do it. I don't keep up with high school friends (even on facebook), beyond the occasional obligatory email; and even if you live near me, but don't make an real effort to get together fairly regularly, I'm probably going to move on. I just am sort-of all or nothing that way, as harsh as it sounds.


    I have really close friends who I treasure greatly, and who after they move away I continue to keep in touch and the minute we meet up in person again, even if it's been a few years, we immediately pick up where we left off as if there hadn't been a long gap.

    I will say though that I'm not one who maintains these things in a very tangible, periodic way: I might only talk on the phone a handful of times a year with them (once every 3 months can be kinda standard for me), and emails are more frequent but tend not to be pen-pal-ish...little notes now and then... our real 'talking' is done over phone those few times a year.

    But, if I don't consider someone a *really* good friend who I want to maintain over a lifetime (or whatever), sometimes the relationship might have a defined timeline - we're friends for a while, then we grow apart, or one or both of us end up moving in a different direction or have different needs that are no longer being met. That sort of thing. I've come to terms with some relationships being that way - and that that's o.k. Also, for people I'm not super deep with, and people I'm more just casual friends with, or acquaintances, I don't maintain the relationship - at all - once I'd move away. To be perfectly frank, I see absolutely no point in doing that. Might sound harsh, but the reality is that I, like aphrodite, tend to be all-or-nothing, and I tend not to see much purpose in maintaining something in a half-assed way, if I'm not *fully* in it. Not fair to the other person for sure, and also for me, I just don't have the energy or desire to maintain it. I have a finite amount of energy and certain priorities in my life - I'm all about maximizing certain things, and letting other things go that aren't my true priorities or relationships I really want to build upon.
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  4. #34
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    Completely the same here. Only once did I have a long distance friend that I corresponded with for a long time, but I started to realize it was becoming more some kind of journal writing exercise for me than true pen-pal friendship. I feel bad that I'm not a good long distance friend, but I have to accept that its pretty much how it is. But my memories of and feelings about people don't disappear.
    That's exactly how I am, too.

  5. #35
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Me too. I kind of go in fits and starts. If I were to meet up with them, it would still be quite warm unless something had happened to make us seriously drift apart. The closer I was too them, the harder it is too. I think I am too perfectionistic and expect that if I am going to write them, I'll do it for real. Then it becomes such a huge task and I feel so guilty over how long I've delayed it that I just give up. Occasionally I may phone and have a huge long catchup. However some of my friends have small children and I'm never certain of whether its a good time to talk or my male friends have a spouse, so I don't want to impose.

  6. #36
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Me too. I kind of go in fits and starts. If I were to meet up with them, it would still be quite warm unless something had happened to make us seriously drift apart. The closer I was too them, the harder it is too. I think I am too perfectionistic and expect that if I am going to write them, I'll do it for real. Then it becomes such a huge task and I feel so guilty over how long I've delayed it that I just give up. Occasionally I may phone and have a huge long catchup. However some of my friends have small children and I'm never certain of whether its a good time to talk or my male friends have a spouse, so I don't want to impose.
    +1 I get that perfectionistic pressure in these kinds of instances, too.
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  7. #37
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    I admire your honesty guys.

    This thread, along with this one and that one

    makes INFJ's seem like the cat that would eat her owner's corpse if he suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack.

    It doesn't matter that the owner had lovingly fed and cared for the cat over the years. As far as the cat is concerned, the relationship is over, and the old man no longer serves a purpose except one...food.
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  8. #38
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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  9. #39
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    But, if I don't consider someone a *really* good friend who I want to maintain over a lifetime (or whatever), sometimes the relationship might have a defined timeline - we're friends for a while, then we grow apart, or one or both of us end up moving in a different direction or have different needs that are no longer being met. That sort of thing. I've come to terms with some relationships being that way - and that that's o.k. Also, for people I'm not super deep with, and people I'm more just casual friends with, or acquaintances, I don't maintain the relationship - at all - once I'd move away. To be perfectly frank, I see absolutely no point in doing that. Might sound harsh, but the reality is that I, like aphrodite, tend to be all-or-nothing, and I tend not to see much purpose in maintaining something in a half-assed way, if I'm not *fully* in it. Not fair to the other person for sure, and also for me, I just don't have the energy or desire to maintain it. I have a finite amount of energy and certain priorities in my life - I'm all about maximizing certain things, and letting other things go that aren't my true priorities or relationships I really want to build upon.
    Yeah. I'm sort of an all-or-nothing sort of individual as well when it comes to selecting friends and maintaining contact so I do understand this perspective. In a twisted way, it's kind of interesting to see how other people might feel when I'm withdrawing from them. Granted there's a difference between close once upon a time, and not being close in the first place.

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