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  1. #11
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    ^^

    I don't think confronting her with this issue would be a bad thing. However, do try to make it non-accusing. Something along the line of "I know we've been in awkward situations before, but I think you are a great person. I value our friendship and I want us to be friends. If you feel it's too weird for you and you actually want to break off all contact, I can totally understand and won't hold it against you (leave her room to retreat)." In my opinion, just make it very clear that you are not trying to pursue her romantically anymore, but because of the closeness that you once shared you would like to remain friends. I think if you put yourself out there and make your intentions clear, she would do the same for you.

    Non-closure sucks. Trying to get closure when the other person is not ready to give you one also sucks, but at least you're trying

  2. #12
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    It's a little difficult to not accuse her of distancing herself considering that it is the main reason I'm confronting her. But it's true, I'm not really concerned with blame. Suppose one method is that I could just ask to discuss the nature of our friendship, followed by whether she's just moved on. At this stage, I can accept that as truth without being hurt.

    It's more about whether I should continue investing in the friendship or not.

  3. #13
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    But what is there to invest in, Kai? I understand how completely difficult it is to let someone go, especially when there are mixed messages from the other person. But the sooner you put distance between the two of you, and accept she doesn't have the same investment as you do in the relationship, and let go of hoping for it, the sooner you will gain some clarity of the situation, and be able to invest your energies elsewhere. I wish you the best.
    Ni/Ti/Fe/Si
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    ~Torah observant, Christ inspired~
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    The more one loves God, the more it is that having nothing in the world means everything, and the less one loves God, the more it is that having everything in the world means nothing.

    Do not resist an evil person, but to him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer also the other. ~Matthew 5:39

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  4. #14
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    ?????

    Am I the only one here who thinks that this is one example where tact is more hurtful than honesty?

    Why string you along in the name of being polite? Is this really a girl thing?

    bummer...
    The purple sun won't heal my purple bruises :ouch:

  5. #15
    lurking.... Wyst's Avatar
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    Hey Kai,

    My heart goes out to you. I've been the INFJ that, for whatever reason, needed space and began building in an arm's length between myself and another party. Try as they might, they've never been able to convince me to change my mind and any attempts to get me to explain what I really think about them have never gone well. It has only left them more confused.

    Many times when these forced confrontations happen, I know the person just wants to hear me say what I'm really thinking so that I can move on. For INFJs to do that though... it's hard. It's not going to make the INFJ feel better and they know that saying the truth will also hurt the other person - that's two FAILs right there. It's sorta like a husband telling his wife 'Yes' when she asks 'Do you think I'm fat?'. INFJs AVOID no-win situations like that.

    I know this isn't fun for you. Sorry, man.

  6. #16
    lurking.... Wyst's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by purplesunset View Post
    ?????

    Am I the only one here who thinks that this is one example where tact is more hurtful than honesty?

    Why string you along in the name of being polite? Is this really a girl thing?

    bummer...
    It is sad. Male INFJs do this too.
    INFJs really do wish all other types had more Ni so that they could 'take a hint' and help us avoid conflict.

  7. #17
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aphrodite-gone-awry View Post
    But what is there to invest in, Kai? I understand how completely difficult it is to let someone go, especially when there are mixed messages from the other person. But the sooner you put distance between the two of you, and accept she doesn't have the same investment as you do in the relationship, and let go of hoping for it, the sooner you will gain some clarity of the situation, and be able to invest your energies elsewhere. I wish you the best.
    Well. For a long time, I was still sending birthday wishes and writing e-mails every few months on the basis that she would still be interested in hearing about my life, even if she no longer has that time or ability to invest in the friendship. In that manner, I don't mind keeping her up to date if it's just that. I can maintain low-level friendship.

    However, it's only now (caused by our last conversation) that I'm starting to question whether I'm just being silly and continuing to e-mail someone, someone that no longer cares at all anymore. It'd be easier for me to accept that we're just 'Old Friends' rather than assuming that she's still a friend in my life. In which case, I won't bother her anymore.

    Thanks.

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wyst View Post
    It is sad. Male INFJs do this too.
    INFJs really do wish all other types had more Ni so that they could 'take a hint' and help us avoid conflict.

    I do not have much experience when it comes to this topic, but I do know that in relationships, relying on "Hints" in communication is rarely a good idea.

    Doesn't matter if the other person is a born psychic with gigantic intuition antennas that go beep... beep...beep... sticking out from their foreheads.

    There is always a chance that the hints which you think are clear, are actually garbled, fuzzy and uncertain to the other person.

    I much prefer a blunt openness, than being in limbo. Sure, the truth would cut like a knife, but it's the difference between a quick, sharp pain and slow torture.
    The purple sun won't heal my purple bruises :ouch:

  9. #19
    Senior Member Quiet's Avatar
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    This is a tough one Kai and there's no real easy way to deal with it. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, however it really might be wise to just let her go. It was never you (and I know how much that sucks to hear), it was her lack of comfort level and that is her problem, not yours. You seem like a nice person and you really had a liking for her and are willing to maintain a friendship. It might be best to just leave it for a while, and see if she contacts you on some random occasion in the future. I think your last post indicates that you're on the right track.

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Quiet View Post
    This is a tough one Kai and there's no real easy way to deal with it. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, however it really might be wise to just let her go. It was never you (and I know how much that sucks to hear), it was her lack of comfort level and that is her problem, not yours. You seem like a nice person and you really had a liking for her and are willing to maintain a friendship. It might be best to just leave it for a while, and see if she contacts you on some random occasion in the future. I think your last post indicates that you're on the right track.
    Yeah, this is going to mess up my day. According to his last post, I think I'm taking this harder than Kai himself.

    Empathy for the lose.
    The purple sun won't heal my purple bruises :ouch:

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