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Thread: Angry rant

  1. #31
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    I almost wonder if she's trying to passive-aggressively force you to move out by bugging you to death. Some parents will do that.

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    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Can you suggest to her that SHE wear headphones and listen to her music while you listen to your music without them? For an hour, maybe. Then she would be hearing what she likes to hear, and you would be free for a bit.

    As to the no-privacy things, the only tactic that ever worked for me with that was direct getback -- start opening up her door whenever you feel like it. And open her mail. Act goofily innocent if she says something. "Well, you always come right into my room when the door's shut ... i thought that's just what we do..." or flat out push the dresser up against the door so she can't open it, and when you push it away to let her in and she wants to know what the hell you're doing, just calmly say that was the only way you could get her to stop barging in.

  3. #33
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    you probably won't agree with this but it's her home and maybe you should move out if it really bothers you as much it does her ... and I recommend some sweet beyerdynamic dt 770 headphones if you want to keep living there.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mystical_Spaghetti View Post
    ..but the sound quality is much better than with ear buds (at least IMO).
    depends on headphones and ear buds. i got AKG K 141 Studio headphones and Ultimate Ears Super.fi Pro 5 ear buds and the buds have clearly better sound quality(sound clarity, bass, middles and highs, also they play really low bass louder but still softly and in good balance with other frequencys), but the buds are bit more expensive and have dual speakers in each bud. but naturally headphones are better on head and more comfortable for long listening on computer or stereo.

    if you got enough money you can get headphones that sound as good as low end hifi speakers, but theyr the kind of ones where you need to get good amplifier also or headphone amplifier
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  5. #35
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Your mother is much more likely to treat you as an adult if you display characteristics that indicate adult responsibility and outlook:

    - Sleeping/waking at regular hours so that you are prepared to go to work or be productive during the day.

    - Contributing to the general atmosphere of the house and thoughtfully considering the needs and wants of the people you live with.

    - Supporting yourself and either working or studying (not looking for work or deciding what you may sometime study).

    - Taking responsibility for bad behaviour. When your failures are attributed to outside circumstances (even if those were contributing factors) it takes away your credibility to others.

    - Showing that you can effectively manage yours/other's money.

    - Cleaning up after yourself and contributing to household tasks that need to be done.

    - Recognizing the things that you do have to be thankful for.

    - Not spending your spare time in your bedroom masturbating. And if you need a lock, be proactive and buy/install one yourself.

    That sounds a little harsh, but age is not what makes you an adult, or a man. The more responsibility and thoughtfulness you show, the more likely it is that others will find it less needful to check up on you or doubt your level of trustworthiness. You are 19, which is not that far past childhood to begin with. Your first venture has resulted in you quitting your job (blaming it on your messed up boss), misspending the money you made, and complaining that your mom won't let you listen to your music the way you want to whenever you want to. You right now are not even able to be in charge of your own moods/contentment/happiness. And if you want to wack off, has it not occurred to you that the bathroom has a locking door?

    While it might be nice to have her be less intrusive, you have chosen to live there, my guess is that you are not paying rent, and it is her home. Therefore she and your dad have the right to decide what kind of environment that they would like in it.

  6. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Your mother is much more likely to treat you as an adult if you display characteristics that indicate adult responsibility and outlook:

    - Sleeping/waking at regular hours so that you are prepared to go to work or be productive during the day.

    - Contributing to the general atmosphere of the house and thoughtfully considering the needs and wants of the people you live with.

    - Supporting yourself and either working or studying (not looking for work or deciding what you may sometime study).

    - Taking responsibility for bad behaviour. When your failures are attributed to outside circumstances (even if those were contributing factors) it takes away your credibility to others.

    Showing that you can effectively manage yours/other's money.

    - Cleaning up after yourself and contributing to household tasks that need to be done.

    - Recognizing the things that you do have to be thankful for.


    - Not spending your spare time in your bedroom masturbating. And if you need a lock, be proactive and buy/install one yourself.
    I agree with many points you made, but regular sleep/wake cycles, choosing whether or not to "contribute to the atmosphere of the house", and how he is choosing to spend his free time (masturbating or listening to music) are no indicator of adulthood, and are merely preferences...in fact, they look like preferences specifically of Fe.

    That sounds a little harsh, but age is not what makes you an adult, or a man. The more responsibility and thoughtfulness you show, the more likely it is that others will find it less needful to check up on you or doubt your level of trustworthiness. You are 19, which is not that far past childhood to begin with. Your first venture has resulted in you quitting your job (blaming it on your messed up boss), misspending the money you made, and complaining that your mom won't let you listen to your music the way you want to whenever you want to. You right now are not even able to be in charge of your own moods/contentment/happiness. And if you want to wack off, has it not occurred to you that the bathroom has a locking door?
    Again, I agree with you, but not being able to masturbate in one's own bedroom is a little out of line. I think children over the age of puberty (12/13) deserve SOME privacy, and in fact I've read where psychologists have recommended the same.


    While it might be nice to have her be less intrusive, you have chosen to live there, my guess is that you are not paying rent, and it is her home. Therefore she and your dad have the right to decide what kind of environment that they would like in it.
    On one hand I agree, but his mother's intrusiveness is insane, even for a fourteen or fifteen year old, much less a 19 year old. I can see her setting rules and limits, but not barging into his room whenever she feels like it for no apparent reason.

    That's unhealthy Fe.

  7. #37
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fireandwater View Post
    I see 2 separate issues here. One is the entering without knocking and the other is the music and I think the ethics are different for each.

    First off, your mother should knock. If you have made your wish for privacy clear, then it should be respected. I'm the mother of a 13 year old and we are making this adjustment right now. The idea of walking in on a grown young man without knocking is ridiculous to me. It indicates that she is not really understanding you as a 19 year old and it illustrates that you need to get your own place as soon as realistically possible so that you can live as the grown up you have a right to be.

    On the other hand, your music is impacting others in your environment directly, so you have the same kind of issue as you would have if you had a roommate or a wife. If what you need is causing suffering for others -- some people have a need for quiet that is every bit as strong, and just as valid as your need for music -- then a compromise needs to be reached in one form or another. Reasonable adults generally would come to some agreement, most likely allowing for a sort of time share of when quiet or music (without headphones) was allowed.

    Ultimately, though, you are at an age when you need to be able to live as an adult -- if that's not a paradigm shift your mom is ready to handle yet, then that means getting out on your own, as others have been saying on the thread. And I agree, too, that just having that goal ahead of you will ease the frustration for as long as you are at home.
    This. Definitely two separate issues, and the music thing is something you have to deal with as a result of living with others, period. If you have roommates when you move out, you should still consider them when you blast your music. You have to negotiate that sort of thing. I definitely get wanting to play your music, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    Can you suggest to her that SHE wear headphones and listen to her music while you listen to your music without them? For an hour, maybe. Then she would be hearing what she likes to hear, and you would be free for a bit.
    This is a great suggestion for a compromise. If you could negotiate that, and then the rest of the time, listen to your music through high-quality headphones (I love my Bose ones), I think that would be reasonable for both of you. Maybe your Mom would even go in with you on a nice pair as part of the compromise, since she could use them, too. Another thought is to ask your Mom if you could have the house to yourself for an hour a couple of times a week. Then you'd have some House Alone Time (which everyone needs, I think), and you could crank your music while she is out running errands.

    My personal favorite place to crank music is in the car--is that a possibility for you?
    Something Witty

  8. #38
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I guess my perspective comes more as the baby of the family who has remained unmarried long enough to know my parents well as adults. I have gone through the experience of looking at (and firsthand experiencing) frustrating and immature behaviour (from older siblings) through the perspective of the parent.

    My brother lived with us for six months when he was 19 (and my parents were paying for his education, giving him free rent, doing his laundry, cooking his meals and providing him with a car) and after having 4, then 5 children moved in with us with the whole family for extended lengths of time. On all occasions there was childish and inconsiderate behaviour and ever since, both he and his wife have gone on and on about how terrible it was to live at home again.

    I have run out of patience. He felt put upon at 19 just to phone home and mention if he wasn't going to be around for meals. That's only what any spouse or other family member might be expected to do (especially when they are having their food made for them and are happy to have other chores done for them as well).

    I see my nephew at 19 doing the same thing with his parents - playing video games all day, not working, staying up till 4 and 5 am, bugging the little kids and leaving squawking and mess in his wake. He's a good kid, but feels entitled and I see that kind of attitude becoming more and more common. I can't count how many stupid displays of temper I've seen from people and then they declare, "Well, I AM ___ years old", as if that's supposed to prove some kind of a conclusive point.

    So, no, it's not that I think people should have to worry about their mother walking in on them changing in various states of undress etc. However, if they lived in another culture or even in my parents' generation, they wouldn't have even had the luxury of their own bedroom, and in this part of the world, we have things pretty good. I just think people often overlook what they have to be thankful about and focus instead on what their "rights" should be.

  9. #39
    Senior Member sketchymcsketcherson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Your mother is much more likely to treat you as an adult if you display characteristics that indicate adult responsibility and outlook:

    - Sleeping/waking at regular hours so that you are prepared to go to work or be productive during the day.

    - Contributing to the general atmosphere of the house and thoughtfully considering the needs and wants of the people you live with.

    - Supporting yourself and either working or studying (not looking for work or deciding what you may sometime study).

    - Taking responsibility for bad behaviour. When your failures are attributed to outside circumstances (even if those were contributing factors) it takes away your credibility to others.

    - Showing that you can effectively manage yours/other's money.

    - Cleaning up after yourself and contributing to household tasks that need to be done.

    - Recognizing the things that you do have to be thankful for.

    - Not spending your spare time in your bedroom masturbating. And if you need a lock, be proactive and buy/install one yourself.

    That sounds a little harsh, but age is not what makes you an adult, or a man. The more responsibility and thoughtfulness you show, the more likely it is that others will find it less needful to check up on you or doubt your level of trustworthiness. You are 19, which is not that far past childhood to begin with. Your first venture has resulted in you quitting your job (blaming it on your messed up boss), misspending the money you made, and complaining that your mom won't let you listen to your music the way you want to whenever you want to. You right now are not even able to be in charge of your own moods/contentment/happiness. And if you want to wack off, has it not occurred to you that the bathroom has a locking door?

    While it might be nice to have her be less intrusive, you have chosen to live there, my guess is that you are not paying rent, and it is her home. Therefore she and your dad have the right to decide what kind of environment that they would like in it.
    I like the way you assume I violate all these rules. RTFT for crying out loud. I'm not even going to waste my time trying to explain myself to someone who clearly has their assumptions formed, with me as the antagonist. And I'm sure you've never made any mistakes during your lifetime?

    For those of you who mention my employment status: I'm taking 20 credits this semester. My schedule is cluttered as hell, and it's been a turn-off to every business I've interviewed with. I hate not having a job, and I'm looking for part-time work, but my city's job market sucks. I've been tutoring another student for a bit of money, and been taking a couple website jobs. I'm doing what I can...

    Thank you to all those who have replied with great advice. Fact of the matter is, I've survived this long, I'm pretty sure I can make it a bit longer.
    For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

  10. #40
    Senior Member pyramid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lohengrin View Post
    p.s. I know what you mean about surprise flings of the door. Regardless of what you're doing, that feeling when someone flings open the door of your room is pretty awful. For me, it feels like my clothes just got ripped off me or some other violation.
    hehe yes agreed. I am always gentle about opening the door to the room my boyfriend and I share. I think the one and only time I didn't for whatever reason, it really startled him. A door flying open for any reason causes a burst of energy in the room and likely

    Sounds like your mom has Issues like the rest of us, try to be sensitive to them if you can find a way. She sounds utterly neurotic in my opinion, and a nightmare to live with. These are things she can probably work on once you are out of the house. I agree with Jenocyde, control issues.

    I also endorse Mystical_Spaghetti's advice: indulge in some really nice cans (giant over-ear headphones). They will retain the audio quality it seems like your system manages and even a slightly acoustic or vibrational feel to them. You can get easily lost in the music this way (music is my life and I can't stand earbuds--they sound nice but I just can't get in the right mood with a weird hunk of plastic jammed in my ears.) Perhaps even look for a noise canceling variety so it will block out the nagging that is offered each day!

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