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Thread: Angry rant

  1. #21
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    It sounds a lot like the tension that results from being 19. You are pretty much ready to be living on your own, or to go away to school. These types of conflict will likely increase until you move out. But it isn't a bad thing because that day is coming soon.

    Because parents are older, there is a tendency for them to be more set in their ways. Negotiations to change preferences and lifestyle tend to veer in favor of those more entrenched. Also parents have a history of being in charge over their children, so even that can be a habit.

    In short I'm saying, that at least it is a short-term problem in a practical sense, but is not terribly likely to resolve itself in the current scenario.
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  2. #22
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    then there is only one thing left to do. masturbate while watching porn sometime when shes rushing in
    This is so horribly wrong. Yet would do the trick, but then she say he was going to hell.

    The ENFP version: Take a shower and then sit at your computer and start working with a towel covering the junk. Then turn on the music and wait for her to show up. No mom wants to see her kids junk or even her 19 year old kid in a towel.

    I have a 15 year old. I ALWAYS knock. I dont want to know what goes on behind closed doors. I'd like to just pretend I dont know.

  3. #23
    libtard SJW chickpea's Avatar
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    i'm in the same situation as you. i'll be 19 in about a month, and my mom gives me no privacy. she's always coming into my room without knocking or asking and opening my mail. it drives me crazy! luckily i'm moving out (and far away) in a few months.

  4. #24
    Member StoryToTell's Avatar
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    Having noise-control problems in the house has to be a worst nightmare for introverts. I too have paper-thin walls.

    When will you move out? Maybe invest in some type of acoustic panels? I've been seriously considering making some makeshift panels of my own for a while now.

  5. #25
    Senior Member sketchymcsketcherson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mystic Tater View Post
    You sound like you have a level head on your shoulders. Use it wisely. Ranting is an excellent way to diffuse energy, but sometimes it can be a leak in the pipes. When there's a leak, the machine doesn't function with the same persistence or conviction. In other words, sometimes you must simply act upon something that bothers you rather than dumping your energy elsewhere.
    Agreed with your entire post, especially this. I actually thought of it in a very similar way while pondering the actions I could take regarding this situation. Ranting really is a release of the steam in the hydraulic tank. There's a benefit to "storing it up" but I honestly don't know how much more of that my cardiovascular system can take. Honestly, I can't even begin to count how many times in a day I feel a clutching stress grab my heart like a vice. I know many people have bigger problems than me (and I'm grateful that this is the most I have to bitch about), but sometimes the workload of 20 credits, combined with almost perpetual creative block, mixed in with a dose of depression is enough to completely stress me out. Then, I can't even listen to some music to unwind...that's just the icing on the cake, ya know?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mystic Tater View Post
    I mean, technically, you're not living in your own property. You're over 18, and your parents have every right to kick your ass out. Until you get out, they're probably just going to treat you like a wall fixture or something. Not to be mean, but seriously.

    You don't even have the right to lock your door because, once again, it's not your property unless that privilege has been granted to you by the owner. The only thing you own is your body, unless you pay rent. Do something with your body, make some art, sell it. Solve the problem instead of analyzing it to death.
    I've heard this before, and really I don't understand it. Just because they pay the bills and own the property gives them the right to provide me no privacy? No respect? No socially accepted politeness? This view seems to be highly influenced by American cultural thought on private property rights.

    Yes, my father works to pay the bills and the property tax, so of course the house is in his name. I respect that completely. That's why I do my best to respect my parents, even in heated conflict. I never lose it and swear at them or make insane demands or whatever. I always let them in my room ASAP...I just appreciate a polite, 3 second gesture of a knock-knock-knock!

    There seems to be a permeating sense of "I own this house/land/building, follow my orders or GTFO my property" in this God-damned country. The fact of the matter is, nobody owns sh*t! This house is a wood and concrete cube built on a plot of land. Yes, my father pays the bills. Yes, the title is in his name. But does that automatically allow my parents to deny me de facto rules of respect? I highly doubt it.

    See, I choose to respect them, not because the law says it's their property, but because I love them, am grateful for the care they have provided over the years, and feel that mutual respect amongst humans is the most productive, cheerful way to go throughout life. When that attitude is not reciprocated (especially when my mother does not reciprocate because of blatant selfishness and arrogance), then I start to get upset.

    I see what you're saying, but I'd challenge you to take a step back and re-establish the foundation of your argument. Like I said, nobody owns sh*t. And when you pop out a kid, I figure you guarantee that child some form of human dignity.

    Quote Originally Posted by 21%
    does she just hate noise?
    This.

    Quote Originally Posted by 21%
    And find a way to move out as soon as possible...
    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    My only suggestion is to set a date for moving out, and work quietly and steadily until that date. You can never truly be free in someone else's space. And when you have a date in mind - a goal to work toward - it will feel less oppressive since you know exactly when it is going to end.
    Quote Originally Posted by StoryToTell View Post
    When will you move out?
    Quote Originally Posted by Lohengrin View Post
    I'm afraid the most you can do is count down the days till you go off to college. In the meantime, earphones are the only way to preserve your sanity. Unfortunately, as utterly unfair as it might seem, it's her roof/her rules.

    EDIT: I just saw where you said you were turning 20. Is there some reason why you are unable to move out? (not judging)
    I was going to move out...but I let my flaws get the best of me. I had a full-time job, big plans, etc. But my financial mishandling and addictive personality had other things in store.

    Here's the thing, it was a blessing that I got out of that job and into a community college. It was high stress -- my supervisor/main co-worker was an ex-methhead. He had transferred his addiction to opiates. I can tell more if you really care to hear, but I'll just leave it at this: NOT a good person for an INFP to be around. I felt like I was walking on eggshells every day.

    What was not a blessing was the way I managed my money. It was a big-time learning experience for me. Unfortunately, it set me back quite a bit.

    Anyway, now I'm going to a local community college, trying to figure out what I want to do, and whether or not I am even meant for the educational system. Unless I land a scholarship, there will be no "going away to college." Which is fine, I'm not too concerned about that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mystical_Spaghetti View Post
    You could try buying headphones. Some of the more expensive ones have wonderful bass and sometimes sound canceling.

    They can get uncomfortable after wearing for too long, but the sound quality is much better than with ear buds (at least IMO).
    Earbuds, headphones, whatever, they're all the same. I like the perspective of hearing the sound come at me from a few feet away, and I like the gentle vibrations of the sound waves through my body. If you ask me, headphones/earbuds are for the bus, the library, or 2 AM. Not 2 PM in my bedroom!

    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    It sounds a lot like the tension that results from being 19. You are pretty much ready to be living on your own, or to go away to school. These types of conflict will likely increase until you move out. But it isn't a bad thing because that day is coming soon.
    You speak words of wisdom. I have come to accept this. I just wish my mother showed some mutual respect. I really do care about her, but it's hard to even be around her when she's a bitch all the time. I feel our relationship could be much better until the time I do move out.

    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde
    I'm not sure where your father is in this equation, but do you think he would be willing to intercede on your behalf?
    My father is excellent. Always knocks, only complains about music if it's far too loud, or rap. A good-hearted Fe, so he's good about providing the whole mutual respect thing.

    He's confronted me about this and asked me to use my earbuds and whatnot (my mother complains to him about my noise, sometimes). I calmly explain the actual scenario to him, and half the time there appears a look on his face that seems to say, "Wow...what is going on in this woman's head?"
    For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

  6. #26
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    I see 2 separate issues here. One is the entering without knocking and the other is the music and I think the ethics are different for each.

    First off, your mother should knock. If you have made your wish for privacy clear, then it should be respected. I'm the mother of a 13 year old and we are making this adjustment right now. The idea of walking in on a grown young man without knocking is ridiculous to me. It indicates that she is not really understanding you as a 19 year old and it illustrates that you need to get your own place as soon as realistically possible so that you can live as the grown up you have a right to be.

    On the other hand, your music is impacting others in your environment directly, so you have the same kind of issue as you would have if you had a roommate or a wife. If what you need is causing suffering for others -- some people have a need for quiet that is every bit as strong, and just as valid as your need for music -- then a compromise needs to be reached in one form or another. Reasonable adults generally would come to some agreement, most likely allowing for a sort of time share of when quiet or music (without headphones) was allowed.

    Ultimately, though, you are at an age when you need to be able to live as an adult -- if that's not a paradigm shift your mom is ready to handle yet, then that means getting out on your own, as others have been saying on the thread. And I agree, too, that just having that goal ahead of you will ease the frustration for as long as you are at home.

  7. #27
    Senior Member BlueFlame's Avatar
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    Hmm, well, when it comes to the music, there's not much to say. Living with other people once you reach a certain age is annoying. Especially when you don't have equal status in the home, so you can only hope for compromise...you can't really *expect* it.
    Such is the life of teenagers on up who have the *luxury* of living at home! Everything has a price, no? You just pay your share of the mortgage with frustration.


    As far as the privacy/respect issue goes, I feel your pain. My mother is an absolute control freak and it wasn't uncommon for her to go through my things, my locker at school, take my door off the hinges if I dared to lock it, just things like that. But, oddly enough, she always locked her door when she left me or my brother home alone.

    I have the same core belief as you, even as a young child - I wasn't just a kid. I was a human being and I deserved respect based solely on that fact. That idea didn't go over well in a *My way or the highway* home, and I'm not quite as serene as you seem to be. I decided at thirteen or fourteen that if no respect was provided to me, limited respect would be returned. Needless to say, I was kicked out many, MANY times for seemingly ridiculous things, because, overall, I was a really good kid.

    Anyway, I don't recommend disrespecting your parents whatsoever, but no, not everyone thinks you're entitled to privacy or respect because you're a good person or because you respect them or because it brings harmony...some people do have the *my house, my rules, regardless of your feelings* mentality, and you aren't going to change that. All you can change is yourself, and, for you that means moving out!

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  8. #28
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sketchymcsketcherson View Post
    He's confronted me about this and asked me to use my earbuds and whatnot (my mother complains to him about my noise, sometimes). I calmly explain the actual scenario to him, and half the time there appears a look on his face that seems to say, "Wow...what is going on in this woman's head?"
    That's great, he sounds awesome. But I meant do you think he would talk to your mother on your behalf? The fact is that you are a man now, no longer a boy or an extension of her, and she may not recognize that yet. It may take another man to tell her what appropriate behaviors and privacy a man is entitled to.

    If you can't play music, fine. That sucks but she won't change. But as far as bursting into your bedroom, well, that's just inappropriate behavior on many levels.

  9. #29
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Also, how do you react when she barges in? If you cower, she may have confirmation of her dominance. People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. When she bursts in, stand up and face her and tell her calmly and respectfully that you will turn the music down but that she must always knock and wait for acknowledgment before entering. It may take a few times and some hysterics, but hold your ground - respectfully. Don't argue, just merely repeat what you've said - no wiggle room, no excuses.

    Giving someone else respect doesn't mean that you shouldn't respect yourself.

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by sketchymcsketcherson View Post
    Great idea. I've done this several times before. She says she understands, and things get better for about 4 days. Then bitch mode re-engages.



    I'm 19, nearing 20.
    When I was 19, nearing 20, I didn't live with my parents. That's always an option, you know, if you're an adult.

    She's done this my entire life. Like I said, I've asked politely, calmly, and tactfully for her to knock and respect my privacy. Something along the lines of, "I'm not trying to hide anything from you. I have always let you and dad in my room right away, just knock first and wait for a response. It's not like I'm going to say no or anything." You'd think I'd be used to it by now. Instead, I feel like I'm being driven gradually insane by the complete lack of privacy, the surprise flings of the door, and the inability to listen to my music in mid-day without (at the very least) hearing a voice yell for me to turn it down.
    Again, I'm wondering why you don't move, get roommates, or if you're in college get into a dorm.

    My exes mother did this to us when we lived with his parents for a few months. He was in his late twenties at the time. Some people are just invasive and have no boundaries. I associate this behavior with unhealthy SFJs but that could just be my experience.

    I'd be more than happy to make a compromise. Thing is, it doesn't matter if it's noon or midnight, either way the music will be a definite no.
    Is there a particular reason that you can't wear headphones or ear buds?

    It's 4 AM here right now. She must have awakened to go to the bathroom or something, because she just now flung the door open to see if I had any music playing. I have earbuds in...not even any music playing, either. That's the thing, she won't hear music, but she'll try to surprise me to catch me listening to music even it it's not audible out of the room!

    Same thing happened the other night. I had NO audio playing, whatsoever. She busted in and yelled, "turn it off!" I swear, she either A. makes this stuff up to try to catch me listening to music or B. literally thinks it's happening.

    I just can't wait to move the hell out...thankfully I'm almost done getting my AAS. Now to find a decent job. Let me tell you, this city's job market is worthy of another rant in and of itself.
    Your mom sounds invasive. There's nothing you can really do about that except try to find space and privacy for yourself, maybe by going to the park or the library or something. I understand from the bolded part why you are so frustrated. That's pretty crazy.

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