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  1. #1
    Senior Member BlueFlame's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010

    Default Leave My Walls Alone!

    Being a rolling ball of emotion, I would think I would be comfortable having heaping amounts of it thrown back at me...but I'm not. I'm *there* with my husband, but he had to chase me down and rope me in over and over and over again for years before I could get to that point with him. And I'm the one who chased after him first! Looking back at my pattern, I see what I want, I go after it, and then when real, deep emotion comes into play, I freak out and run in the other direction or actively push the person even though that's what I WANTED!

    So, to the point:

    My mom and father divorced when I was 3 months old, and I haven't seen nor heard from him since. He was into drugs at the time, and my mother had his rights stripped and changed my name and we moved around and I was basically hidden from ever being found by him for the past 25 years.
    Then a few months ago, I typed his name into FaceBook and BOOM, there he was. So I requested his friendship and emailed him and jumped things off. Fast forward to now...we've been exchanging emails which, in true form, are full of me diverting the conversation to his life and glossing over my own emotions and well-being in general. Once I opened up a little to him because I was afraid my distance was hurting his feelings, but afterwards I felt...pained. I do let people in my emotional gate every once in a while, and I help them feel at home and want them to be comfortable, but then I calmly walk them to the door, wish them well, lock all 800 gates behind me, and push all the furniture in front. I prefer to pretend that it never happened.
    But this man keep trying to dig into me. Emotion and affection everywhere, extreme helpfulness, invitations to join him and his family on vacation...just flat out open and arms and an open heart. And it scares the hell out of me. It makes me want to ignore him and run away and never look back.

    My consensus? I'm allergic to Fi.

    So, anyway, I'm just curious if anyone:

    1)Has the push/pull kind of mentality when it comes to intimacy and how you've dealt with it

    2)Has any advice for a very emotional (more so than usual) ENFJ with daddy issues

    3)Has any Claratin-Fi

    Oh, and I have to admit, I'm really curious to meet him just so I can type him, considering he's had no direct role in my personality development. How nerdy is that?

    That is all.

    ~*79% Extraverted*~
    ~*74% iNtuition*~
    ~*74% Feeling*~
    ~*58% Judging*~

    Enneagram Type: SX 3w2

  2. #2
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009


    I think this happens when people want something from an ENFJ or, rather, want an ENFJ to want them (in a way).

    We like to provide for people, there's no doubt about that. We may/may not be close to them, but if their focus isn't 100% on us for their help it can be more comfortable. I get the feeling that ENFJs clam up when people want them involved and their 'involved' input. We put so much focus outwardly that, even if we need people to focus on us, we can't accept it at first. They need to metaphorically beat it into our heads that they want us to open up, can handle it, and won't run away from it.

    Our walls are built up so we can handle ourselves from the inside and handle others from the outside. It's a structure that works pretty well, but other people do want in and it's scary letting them into the place that we've built up and could be a soft spot for others to tread in.
    ENFJs like to be strong for others. Letting people in, even if we want to, can go against our own ingrained perception. It also provokes us to mix our outside and inside world, which can be uncharted or fragile territory for some ENFJs.
    I do say "we", "our", and "us" and it is all assumption based on experience and observation so anyone feel free to correct me if i'm off with it.

    I don't have any experience with Daddy issues, but i would say don't clam up too much. Have you talked to anyone about him not being in your life until now or anything?
    You may need to talk to him for a while longer before you really feel comfortable, but you should inform him of why you could be hesitant if you haven't already.
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man

    .:: DWTWD ::.


    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

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