[ENFP] enfp cycle

[Rachelinpa]

in relationships, i find it difficult to keep my adoration in motion and i have guilt when i slack.

so then, i figure i might as well end the relationship since i must just not be into it anymore, but when i go to do this, i find that i actually care. it's like that self-sabotage thing someone else had mentioned earlier.

why do i feel the need to keep up with the adoration? why can't i just relax?

:steam:

 

[nomadic]

im kind of up and down too

but i get more stable if i really like the person.

u don't have to adore the person... just appreciate the stability and learn to appreciate what you already have. that's probably my biggest weakness, i always want more more more...

i think i reached a point with my gf now, that she does reach my highest expectations in some very important regards which i rather not mention, so i always appreciate that.

 

[Lady_X]

you guys are killin me!

 

[Little Linguist]

Question: Do you guys ever find that the guilt over not doing something (e.g. staying in touch, hanging out when you wanted to, etc.) leads to you inevitably not wanting to continue the relationship out of some perfectionistic value?

It's completely irrational: I'm not the perfect friend/partner/etc. so I should end it.

It took me a long time to get over that, and I thought it was relevant, so I thought I'd just throw that into the mix.

 

[alexx]

Yeah.... not me.

I SUCK at staying in touch - then I am too scared to make contact - so I don't. Then they reach out, we stay in touch a while, and I screw up again by not calling or avoiding doing something. It's an ugly cycle.

The friends I am MOST comfy with are the ones who get it, and each of us is cool with going 3 months without talking then being able to pick back up without missing a beat.

 

[Little Linguist]

Yeah.... not me.

I SUCK at staying in touch - then I am too scared to make contact - so I don't. Then they reach out, we stay in touch a while, and I screw up again by not calling or avoiding doing something. It's an ugly cycle.

The friends I am MOST comfy with are the ones who get it, and each of us is cool with going 3 months without talking then being able to pick back up without missing a beat.

Amen to that. I love friends like that.

I have microcosmic and macrocosmic cycles like that. It's awesome when someone gets it and understands and does not get offended at my craziness.

I don't mean it meanly; I just get distracted with work, foruming, or working out as the case may be. I 'binge' on certain activities, then take a break.

 

[ergophobe]

Something about getting older...I like all the really pedestrian parts of being together once the chemicals have died down. So, getting past the adoration and just leading a life together is very attractive to me.

1. The ability to enjoy a comfortable silence between us, especially when it involves two extroverts.
2. Looking forward to seeing someone like you would a really good friend
3. The safety of the person plus the attraction of the person

Lulls are common. When I was younger and still figuring out how Fi worked, I would get mad at myself for losing the adoration/butterflies in stomach feeling and this would invariably come out in some form when I was together with the person which I now regret. It was my issue (if not symbolic of a growing apart naturally) and I learned to enjoy the everydayness of things. Now I look forward to that.

 

[revolve]

in relationships, i find it difficult to keep my adoration in motion and i have guilt when i slack.

so then, i figure i might as well end the relationship since i must just not be into it anymore, but when i go to do this, i find that i actually care. it's like that self-sabotage thing someone else had mentioned earlier.

why do i feel the need to keep up with the adoration? why can't i just relax?

:steam:

i'm the same EXACT way!!!

 

[revolve]

Question: Do you guys ever find that the guilt over not doing something (e.g. staying in touch, hanging out when you wanted to, etc.) leads to you inevitably not wanting to continue the relationship out of some perfectionistic value?

It's completely irrational: I'm not the perfect friend/partner/etc. so I should end it.

It took me a long time to get over that, and I thought it was relevant, so I thought I'd just throw that into the mix.

yes yes yes . . . i can completely relate

 

[revolve]

Yeah.... not me.

I SUCK at staying in touch - then I am too scared to make contact - so I don't. Then they reach out, we stay in touch a while, and I screw up again by not calling or avoiding doing something. It's an ugly cycle.

The friends I am MOST comfy with are the ones who get it, and each of us is cool with going 3 months without talking then being able to pick back up without missing a beat.

oh jeez . . . this is me too!!! :hi:

 

[Thalassa]

Hmmm. I don't relate to this. I've had the same best friend since the 10th grade and even if we go six months without talking, we pick up where we left off...kind of like what Alexx is talking about.

If you're talking about romantic relationships, I'm just wondering if you're very young. If you have the temptation to write people off that quickly when butterflies die down, you're not even giving them and yourself a chance to develop a real, lasting relationship. There's something else you're not experiencing by giving up that way. I think I related more to what you're saying in my late teens and very early twenties, but not really at all now, at least not within the last five to seven years of my life. In fact, I've learned by my last LTR that something has to be SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY wrong in the relationship for me to even be able to walk away from someone I've fallen in love with and committed myself to.

 

[the state i am in]

i identify strongly too. i assumed it was augmented by being an sx dom and craving intensity.

i'm still figuring out if it's just me or it's just an aspect of serious ltr. i'm thinking probably both. i don't like the experience or idea of peacefully coexisting with someone. then i feel like i'd rather just be on my own.

i also think it's funny bc i assume you enfps have it together when it comes to relationships bc you seem like you know what you're doing, especially in comparison to an introverted, sp-checked infj like myself. then i realize that you don't- it's frustrating and endearing at the same time.

 

[alcea rosea]

To the OP.
Maybe you just have difficult time letting go?

 

[CzeCze]

in relationships, i find it difficult to keep my adoration in motion and i have guilt when i slack.

so then, i figure i might as well end the relationship since i must just not be into it anymore, but when i go to do this, i find that i actually care. it's like that self-sabotage thing someone else had mentioned earlier.

why do i feel the need to keep up with the adoration? why can't i just relax?

:steam:

You know, this is one thing that I don't get or relate to. At all. And I'm surprised it's common amongst ENFPs.

Is this kinda like the "grass is greener" complex?

If I like you, trust me, I don't have to work on it at all and I don't worry about putting on a show. What you describe to me sounds like putting on a show to prove to...yourself? Or your partner? That you still care. I put on a show only related to work to prove to my dedication. In that case, the less I care, the harder I try to act like I care. I even try to convince myself. Keeping up appearances for me compensates for the guilt of knowing I'm earning a paycheck but not really doing everything I could or should.

Is it your 'love' or excitement you're trying to prove or your *dedication* to the person and your relationship? You feel a need to 'prove' something?

When it comes to matters of the heart my motto is: "My love is like a tidal wave" --> misquoted Pat Benatar lyrics. I have to do the opposite to keep myself from falling as hard or as fast as I am. It's pretty tragic. I'm in it to win it and I'm completely loyal to and enamored with my partner, to our relationship.

Like Ergophobe, I love the pedestrian, domestic, boring, everyday stuff you do with an SO. I mean, that is the reason we all get SO's right? Because you love them so much (whether it's puppy love or angsty emo love or you know, "love" love) and love being with them so much being together all the time and just living life (most of life is "boring" after all) is, well, enchanting? Just better.

Something like that.

When it comes to committed relationships, I don't get jumping from ship to ship at all. Or getting bored or disenchanted habitually. Not even when I was a hormonal hyperactive teenager. The grass is not greener on the other side. I'm with Marmalade Sunrise on this, once I bond, I'm *bonded*.

Rachel, do you know your Ennegram type? That might help shed more light on it.

 

[phoenix13]

in relationships, i find it difficult to keep my adoration in motion and i have guilt when i slack.

so then, i figure i might as well end the relationship since i must just not be into it anymore, but when i go to do this, i find that i actually care. it's like that self-sabotage thing someone else had mentioned earlier.

why do i feel the need to keep up with the adoration? why can't i just relax?

:steam:

Hmmm. An ebb-tide in any relationship is normal, and usually when one slacks, the other picks it up. Perhaps this guy isn't intersting enough for you, and you are trying to compensate. Or perhaps you're assuming that in the absence of adoration, the relationship must be boring for him (because it's boring for you) which makes you feel inadequate. This could also make you feel guilty for not doing your part to keep the relationship exciting, which is an assumption based on projection, and not reality.

When the right guy comes along, I doubt you'll feel this way. If you're lucky, you'll find a guy who expresses adoration in every day actions, so you'll still feel love in the absence of constant physical or verbal adoration.

 

[chpmunk]

You know, this is one thing that I don't get or relate to. At all. And I'm surprised it's common amongst ENFPs.

Is this kinda like the "grass is greener" complex?

If I like you, trust me, I don't have to work on it at all and I don't worry about putting on a show. [...]

Is it your 'love' or excitement you're trying to prove or your *dedication* to the person and your relationship? You feel a need to 'prove' something?

When it comes to matters of the heart my motto is: "My love is like a tidal wave" --> misquoted Pat Benatar lyrics. I have to do the opposite to keep myself from falling as hard or as fast as I am. It's pretty tragic. I'm in it to win it and I'm completely loyal to and enamored with my partner, to our relationship.

[...]

When it comes to committed relationships, I don't get jumping from ship to ship at all. Or getting bored or disenchanted habitually. Not even when I was a hormonal hyperactive teenager. The grass is not greener on the other side. I'm with Marmalade Sunrise on this, once I bond, I'm *bonded*.

EXACTLY!! I almost don't understand this disenchantment idea. Once I'm in, I'm in. I love to do all that domestic SO stuff too, or just sit in the room together and be boring and quiet - it's better than being not in their presence. Even though, I could technically talk till you drop.



I've been like that in all of my relationships.

 

[sculpting]

hmmm, with my husband I never had the emo fluffy weird belly feeling. No overwhelming emo connection that waxed and waned. It was always just a long term partnership, a commitment, something that grew out of warm caring into love. We stood together as a partnership. I signed on for the lifetime role, good and bad, arguments, fights, unhappiness or debt or whatever may come. All those vows-through sickness and health till death do us part-yup those. I guess at time I noticed greener grass but never really considered moving on. We didnt spend massive amounts of time together but sort of lived in our separate worlds, but together as a team.

 

[lunalove]

Yeah.... not me.

I SUCK at staying in touch - then I am too scared to make contact - so I don't. Then they reach out, we stay in touch a while, and I screw up again by not calling or avoiding doing something. It's an ugly cycle.

The friends I am MOST comfy with are the ones who get it, and each of us is cool with going 3 months without talking then being able to pick back up without missing a beat.

Alexx,

I'm the same way! I stay in touch at 1st and then something happens. Only trouble is, most people don't get it and the friendship ends. In college, I had the best friends and they totally got it! Ah well...now I've met others like me here...I'm just another ENFP

luna~