I'm going to try as hard as I can to make this not a long ranting post so I will actually get some replies.
I'm with / was with an ISTP. I'm ENFJ. Both very true to type. Relationship very intense but full of conflict. Bad, bad history. Things got better. Much better, to the point where we looked compatible / happy from the outside.
But... his passive / detached / lack of any 'need' for me makes me so insecure that I end up giving too much, more than I want to, like I'm attempting to push for feedback. So I'm in love with the intensity we have, but overwhelmed by how unsatisfied & tired I am. I give too much, even though I don't want to, and then I judge how little he gives back. That's my problem with me.
This behavior in turn makes him feel overwhelmed & anxious. He feels judged & like at every moment something is expected from him. He gets resentful when I'm upset. Then tells me to directly ask for what I want or explain my feelings without blame. I do this, then he finds blame in what I'm saying, even when it is as simple as "I'm feeling bad." Then he gets resentful & ignores me. That's my problem with him.
Eventually I snap & my outburst 'confirms' his fears. I become judgmental, I feel entitled to more. I make ultimatums but don't focus on believing in the resolving outcome. So they come out like conclusions & make him feel that he can't change anything. He is more passive, making me more angry, and then they do become conclusions. Then he calms down & starts to feel hopeful, I calm down and feel hopeless. He gives a little. I feel a little better but can't appreciate it fully because it came so late. It gets better, we get happy, I get too intense, he pulls away, cycle continues.
I separated from him about a week ago. I don't know what I'm doing but I have an idea. I don't want to make him unhappy anymore. I need to get out of this pattern of never taking care of myself & giving him more than he wants & more than I want to give. He is obviously scared I'm leaving him, & has freaked out a couple times, but otherwise seems to be okay. Neither of us will bring up whether or not its actually over. He is definitely avoiding it & I'm not wanting to deal with him putting in a position where he makes me decide & its all on me. Not right now. We live together, but have been extremely busy so we are seeing almost nothing of each other.
I am afraid because I don't know whether I'm trying to heal a little & then try again or if I want this to be over. I most definitely want to be with him, but I don't know if I believe it will work anymore. Distance like this always seems to make him closer to me, but distance for me is a real love killer. I'm afraid that when he does try again & / or I feel more capable, I will have recovered by resigning myself that it would never work.
Either way, I need some advice, related experiences, anything. I just need to talk about it. I have friends / family to talk to but they've honestly heard enough about this relationship for a lifetime I'm sure. It is just extremely terrifying that feeling better is right now correlated with feeling farther from him, especially since I keep getting pangs of emotions & drives to go back to him, but almost instinctively push myself from doing it. It's like I'm on autopilot, and have no idea where I'm going. I'm also concerned this is very unfair to him, as he might be under the impression this is temporary. (It would surprise me if he wasn't because he seems to take everything that way.) But I am very final when relationships change.
So I failed at the ranting... sorry.