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  1. #21
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I think you hit the nail it on the head, 21%. It's not a matter of the one person NOT wanting to make the relationship work. It's just that it takes two healthy people and no amount of superhuman effort from one person can make a relationship function in a healthy way.

    I understand the need to 1) Observe and self-doubt long enough to be sure that I am not just being oversensitive 2) Start notice underlying trends and commonalities between conflicts 3) Hypothesize about why those problems are there and exhaust every possible solution that could be personally executed.

    However, at the end of it, there comes a time when you have to realistically consider whether the other person has the resources or the will to make changes. I am the youngest child in a spread out family, as well as the youngest of both sides of a large extended family and have had the opportunity to directly feel the pain that results from a healthy person trying to carry an unhealthy person and treat them as an equal. Invariably, the unhealthy person has the most power and decision making ability, while retaining the least responsibility. The unhealthy person also tends to be the one that the couple's children treat with the most respect and consideration because they have been taught by both parents that that one is the most important. You may invest 40 years before coming to this conclusion that you can't make a relationship work by yourself, you may even stick with the relationship at that point (but without hope), or you may decide to cut your losses.

    In the process, the healthier person usually becomes quite isolated or else has to develop a separate life apart from their partner even if they are still together. Often in the end, it is the unhealthy person themself who leaves, leaving the person who has borne the main load feeling bewildered, hurt, angry and embarrassed. I see a number of people close to me in various stages of this process and I'd implore you not to do the same.

    It is not that the other person is a bad human being, but rather that they just don't have the resources it takes to build a lasting relationship (at least at this time). Before you undertake any major building project or cooking venture, you would evaluate whether you have the right ingredients and if it is realistic to be able to get them if you don't have. This, while more serious, is no different...
    Last edited by fidelia; 02-24-2010 at 10:27 PM.

  2. #22
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toast View Post


    Well, I don't know what he wants. It'd probably take him 12 years to figure that out & then be ready to get back to me. I feel like he just wants a buddy with some special secret pact to always be there in case he gets the inkling to get cuddly or sexual. Sometimes, for moments, I can tell he likes the idea that he's a 'boyfriend.' Its like he wants a gf just so he can have those moments, but otherwise he just wants a friend. I'd be okay with it if he'd be there for me when I wanted to feel like a gf, but of course, he gives less of that kind of stuff than I do & I need more of it than he does.
    Yeah you do. You just typed it. Now think about that. Real hard. You want to be a piece of ass that occasionally gets treated like a girlfriend? I do want to point out how you refer to it as an SO relationship but I bet he doesn't. Stop analyzing, stop questioning and stop bouncing it off other people. You already know the answer to this. I'm not blaming him here, you're giving him permission to treat you in a way you have made clear you don't want. His failure to act on it is your door to leave. This isn't type related, please leave that silly shit out of the equation. How much of a doormat do you want to be?
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  3. #23
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I also made the mistake for a long time of feeling that if I could understand why a person acted badly, it partially excused the behaviour (I think because I again had some direction to try to fix the problem). Sometimes even if a person doesn't have bad intent, they still are causing serious harm. Especially when you introduce children into the mix, I think this is a very important consideration. (And you are worth just as much!)

  4. #24
    Senior Member TopherRed's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    Yeah you do. You just typed it. Now think about that. Real hard. You want to be a piece of ass that occasionally gets treated like a girlfriend? I do want to point out how you refer to it as an SO relationship but I bet he doesn't. Stop analyzing, stop questioning and stop bouncing it off other people. You already know the answer to this. I'm not blaming him here, you're giving him permission to treat you in a way you have made clear you don't want. His failure to act on it is your door to leave. This isn't type related, please leave that silly shit out of the equation. How much of a doormat do you want to be?
    100% this ^.
    Love is the point.

  5. #25
    Senior Member BlueFlame's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by poki View Post
    The bolded reminds me of something my wife(ENFJ) says to me(ISTP). "I make her EMO and needy" and that this was a sign of weakness growing up.
    Hah, I felt the same way when I was still optimistic about the relationships. I'm all about personal growth, but there's a fine line between self-improvement and self-mutilation. My goal in life was to become a happy, healthy ENFJ - not an unhappy, unhealthy INTP.

    I guess it's all a matter of two people giving and compromising and growing, instead of one trying to mutate into whatever the situation dictates. Easier said than done.

    ~*79% Extraverted*~
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