[ENFJ] Healthy, Happy, ENFJs!

[TopherRed]

^ This.

 

[Unkindloving]

What do you mean by not understood?

Is there a way your friends can help try and relate to you better? Would you be ok with them just coming out and asking questions about you to help them understand you?

A lot of it is about how we think abstractly/in code, as Fuzzcrossed mentioned. I have to completely tone it down and translate it for my INFP. She simply cannot keep up. She'll relate to what i am saying, but she can't feel the effects the way that i do or provide much more than a listening ear.
It's hard to feel understood when you've got to sift through your own code and may just get a glazed over stare back. It happens frequently.
I've found that my INTJ internalizes a lot and truly views feeling as a weakness. If we ever attempt to relate it falls short because she won't let herself get to where i am and she can't empathize with things that she hasn't experienced. I'm easily misconstrued by her for that.

To combine something Fuzzcrossed and nynesneg said, it can feel like ENFJs have compartments. Everything about us and how we are perceived is how we truly are, but the deeper compartments are stationary and less likely to change. The outer compartments are malleable and how we adapt to different scenarios and people. We are never being fake, but to try to pin-point us and understand us without viewing the deeper compartments won't happen easily/properly.

There is a certain understanding that i've only found with other ENFx people. I get feedback that i can see genuinely relating and then experiences or advice beyond that. It's as though we don't just hear each other, we listen and attempt to guide one another on a more real, deeper level.
It's very important for people to be more than just surface level with ENFJs. We can have heaps of friendships and have discussions left and right, yet if we don't feel that depth then there's a void.

 

[nynesneg]

You stated it so perfectly!! Touched on all the facets explaining concisely what I was trying to say.

I have nothing to add. Mad kudos to you!

 

[Malkavia]

To answer your questions, I can't pinpoint it. But if I were to give advice to try to get to know your ENFJ better I'd say... - Ask more probing questions, without be obnoxious. Be genuinely interested. We're not going to share our inner life with you unless we're completely comfortable and know you actually want to know - otherwise it just feels like we're burdening you with unnecessary information. It's not that I think my friends don't care, they're great friends. I just feel missunderstood - like nobody truly knows me.

I really am thinking it's the Ni perspective... my INTJ friend truly understood - because he's the same way. Even more analytical and fascinated with how things fit together than I am. Plus usually I can instantly read people to quite an extent... he's one of the only people I know who's mind holds a fascinating mystery - with alot of different things going on in there like myself. The irony is I thought usually I don't like INTJs, but who knows...

What do you think?

This is exactly what I was looking for. Thank you very much for your help.

I just wanted to know if it was appropriate to try and get them to open up by asking probing questions, without seeming like Im just prying into their life. My best friend is ENFJ and I just want to make sure he knows he can talk to me about the deeper (and darker) stuff in life, which for guys can be hard regardless of type.

If anyone else has any suggestions feel free to lay them out.

 

[TopherRed]

Malkavia, I'm not sure if you're a girl or a guy.

Word of advice to you as a girl; if you start digging into a single male ENFJs "soil of soul", that's going to show him that you care a hell of a lot more than most people.

Be warned, it might have romantic implications if he's not attached. That's a good way to get closer to him no matter what.

 

[Sinmara]

I'd like to give an example of a happy and healthy ENFJ, but as you know Fuzzy, I can't.

 

[ceecee]

This is exactly what I was looking for. Thank you very much for your help.

I just wanted to know if it was appropriate to try and get them to open up by asking probing questions, without seeming like Im just prying into their life. My best friend is ENFJ and I just want to make sure he knows he can talk to me about the deeper (and darker) stuff in life, which for guys can be hard regardless of type.

If anyone else has any suggestions feel free to lay them out.

My husband was this way when we met. It took me honestly saying -I want to hear what you have to say. Good, bad or otherwise. I want to know what you think and feel and I want you to feel comfortable in doing that with me. Then I had to back up what I said by listening, showing interest and being there when I said I would be. In return he did these same things for me.

He's never been a depressed ENFJ, very easy to get along with. He's got lots of friends but none of them are really close, even the ones he would describe as close. Yeah it takes time and effort to get close to them but in his case, I don't know how many people even tried before he met me. Part of that is their take charge and get things done ways. If you don't pay attention, you'd think they just don't need that kind of support. They're so busy doing it for others it can get lost in the shuffle. They do need to speak up on this a bit more as well, no one is a mind reader, I would give that suggestion to ENFJ's. Mine is very good about conveying what he needs now, if I don't see it before.

The best thing we did is work to understand how the other was effected by...everything. What bothers him often went unnoticed by me. I didn't care, I never even realized anything was happening. So we worked out those bumps early on.

I believe him being a little older helps for ENFJ's. He still wants to buy the world a Coke and teach it to sing if he could but he tempers that with the realistic outlook of a more mature person. He's ok settling for a bottled water and some humming.

 

[Thessaly]

I feel like I deeply understand the ENFJ I dated briefly. I feel like I understand him more than any other man I've ever dated. He always told me what a good listener I was and how accurate my observations were about him. I guess that's why it confuses me that he was so hot n' cold with me and never committed to anything real. The last time we hung out he was all gung ho about us having all these intimate plans and then he just dropped off the face of the planet.

It's been a little too weird this schizo behavior and I think I'm officially done with that one lol but as clear of a view I have of his dark side, every time we interact I realize how much more there is than I'm seeing after the fact. It's strangely compelling.

 

[Malkavia]

Malkavia, I'm not sure if you're a girl or a guy.

Word of advice to you as a girl; if you start digging into a single male ENFJs "soil of soul", that's going to show him that you care a hell of a lot more than most people.

Be warned, it might have romantic implications if he's not attached. That's a good way to get closer to him no matter what.

I'm a guy. It must be the F in me because sometimes I can come across as a girl over text. Sorry if there was a confusion.

Obviously there wouldnt be a romantic attachement, but I see this ENFJ as my brother. He talks to things that trouble him because he doesnt think his family understands. I consider this a great honor for him to talk to me about things he wouldnt talk to his twin with, so I always try to make sure I'm doing what i can.

Great thread.

 

[TopherRed]

Thanks man, and let me tell you, this dude will totally take a bullet for you if you care enough to dig out his soul under all those layers.

 

[Qre:us]

misnomer. Akin to legends of the Sasquatch.

/thread

 

[toast]

God I wish. :steam:
I definitely would have said I was healthy/happy & positively arrogant about a year & a half ago. The 'dark side' was akin to bimonthly mood swings... it didn't run like a vein under everyday life like it does now.

 

[BlueFlame]

I think I'm the only ENFJ I know! And, unfortunately, my emotional health gas taken a severe nose-five over the past year.
So, no, no happy, healthy ENFJs here. I feel the winds a'changin', though, so maybe in the near future!

Edit: Hey, toast! Nice to see someone else having a crapoy year and a half!

 

[Heinel]

One of my profs is an ENFJ: Ross A. Laird | Ideas Matter

I have met others, but not many in depth. It's not easy to know ENFJs.

 

[nynesneg]

I feel like my core is mostly healthy, although I'm young and have a great deal of personal growth I'd like to achieve. I accomplish a lot of things but they don't go to my head because I'm just me. I have issues like everyone else.. but in the end I'm my happy self inside.

 

[Thessaly]

I just realized that an old girl-crush of mine is an ENFJ. She has obsessive compulsive disorder. Weirdly enough I would say she's a pretty healthy/happy ENFJ. I have to say she's one of the more awesome people I've met. It's a shame she's so obsessive. It exhausts me just thinking about how she operates.

 

[JoSunshine]

Yeah it takes time and effort to get close to them but in his case, I don't know how many people even tried before he met me. Part of that is their take charge and get things done ways. If you don't pay attention, you'd think they just don't need that kind of support. They're so busy doing it for others it can get lost in the shuffle. They do need to speak up on this a bit more as well, no one is a mind reader, I would give that suggestion to ENFJ's.

I rememember the day this hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I had a "No, no, I'm fine. I can take care of myself and I can take care of everyone else too and I don't need anything." Not in a mytr kind of way either. I never complained until I was crushed under the pressure of trying to be everything to everyone and not accepting anything in return - even when people tried to be there for me. I had to have absolute 100% trust in anyone to ask for even the simplest things - becuase I viewed needing help (in anyway) as a personal failure and a burden to others. It sucked.

I moved this past weekend and accepted help in any way from anyone who offered and asked for help from close friends and family. I ended up with a small army of people helping me in various ways. AND I DIDN'T FEEL GUILTY OR LIKE A BURDEN!!!! That's a HUGE deal for me. I would happily help any of these people move (and have helped a lot of them). I am learning to accept help with grace and to express my feelings, needs and weaknesses. It is a really, really good feeling and despite all of my previous (and sometimes still current) fears, it has actually made my relationships a lot stronger.

 

[TopherRed]

That's awesome Jo!

And everything you said is true of me as well.

 

[Domino]

You know Fuzz, I've been told my laugh sounds like I've just eaten someone. My sister called me when I was at the grocery store. She said something that made me *really* laugh and she asked where I'd put my cauldron. People were staring at me like I might steal their souls. (I don't steal! I pay for what I take with Domino Dollars!)

I know only one other ENFJ well. I love the guy to bits, but he can be a handful. I'm pretty much the only example I have, and I'm not even that extroverted. *mighty shrug* I live in a well of INFJs and no other Es.

I still deal with guilt and shame issues. I can feel guilty over just about anything even if I don't act on it or allow it to stop me. I still get automatic guilt feelings when I don't fulfill a social obligation or do something asked of that I can't do. I feel the flare, and then kick it away if I can. If I can't, my Ni can start going crazy making connections to a million things, making what I did/did not do this GIANT problem.

 

[TopherRed]

Mmm...it's funny, Fi's don't deal with the guilt as much as we do. I think they understand the boundaries better than us. Then again, they don't have as much umph either.