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  1. #11
    Senior Member Qre:us's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wyst View Post

    The only thing that really makes me think twice about it, is the obsessive stuff. I hate stopping someone in the middle of a story to tell them, "We've already been through this twice". Am I too accommodating? Should I just tell him straight up? I don't see how I'll be able to survive with him and keep quiet about it...
    When people do that to me, rather than saying I already heard it, I give evidence that I've already heard it - like beating them to the punchline, conclusion, overarching sentiment, of the story. Slide it in when he's taking a little pause while recalling his story.

    "So, guess what, the other day I was at the grocery store, and while standing in line...."

    "The cashier flirted with you, didn't she?"

    "Um...yeah, you heard this before, eh?"

    *sheepish grin*

  2. #12
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Qre:us View Post
    When people do that to me, rather than saying I already heard it, I give evidence that I've already heard it - like beating them to the punchline, conclusion, overarching sentiment, of the story.
    Hahaha, I do that too.

    Drives them nuts.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Qre:us's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    Hahaha, I do that too.

    Drives them nuts.


    And, it takes the wind out of their sails, without the defensive overtone evoked by, "You told me this story already!"

  4. #14
    lurking.... Wyst's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Wyst, what kind of stuff does he repeat?
    Usually some girl. Lot's of it is - what he emailed her, why he thinks it was received well, what she said next, and blah blah blah.

    The way he talks about it - it's like his way of convincing himself that things are ok and will go well for him. It's a weird roundabout way of seeking validation but it seems like he needs some external outlet if he's going to be able to convince himself.

  5. #15
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    One thing that I had a hard time with, when living with friends, is separating friendship from living together. Those two are very different things... I know it sounds redundant (I thought it did too) but it's important to know. When I was living with one of my INTP good friends, I learned this very quickly. It's a step up from just hanging out with the person; now you have to deal with their bad habits in the house and living style etc. What ended up happening for me was in the house we did our own thing, and then one of us would spontaneously want to go out and do something or play video games together. I think what I'm trying to say is, be sure that you and him are aware that the way you will be when living with them is different from how you are when hanging out with them. Because with the way it's sounding, you will get annoyed at his antics very quickly.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  6. #16
    lurking.... Wyst's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlueFlame View Post
    I thought I was in for a much juicersl story than repeat story-telling!
    What do you normally do when someone repeats a story?
    I normally jump in enthusiastically with an *Oh my gosh, I know you TOLD me' and make a comment about the story that leads into a conversation ABOUT it instead of a repeat. Yes, I'm clearly cutting the person off, but people don't seem to mind as long as I continue talking about them. Big shock, eh?
    Wow - that's a great way of stopping the repeat story but not totally crushing him either. I like that.

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    I dunno... you both prefer J so living with him shouldn't be all that bad.

    But, one thing to keep in mind about ANYONE living with you... establish boundaries very early. I need a lot of time alone, and I really don't like talking to the people I'm living with constantly (an hour or two over a meal is fine, but I don't want to be constantly bugged). An ENFP was living with me back in NC and she just wouldn't stop talking... so I had to lay some rules out. Then she just talked to herself. :P
    Oh.. there WILL be boundaries if we live together.

    Quote Originally Posted by luminous beam View Post
    you think you're being acomodating, but you're really not. because in the end, if his behavior drives you crazy and he's got no real notion to stop, you will end up snapping and blowing up in his face. i think you should just tell him straight up, perhaps not in these same words but something like this "dude, you told me this story like 5 times already! lol i love you and all but if i hear that story one more time i think i'll stab my earsdrums with a pair of scissors!" lol and then encourage him to tell you a story you haven't heard yet. yes, awkward i suppose, but if you can't beat them, join them. he might get butt hurt, but he'll prob be self conscious enough to stop himself before telling you any story to make sure you haven't heard it yet. and if he's really that extroverted and charming or whatever, eventually you'll get back to the place where you two will be ok again.

    hm maybe also come up w/a punishment, like a jar he will fill with a quarter every time he tells you a repeat story lol

    Lol! Nice.

    Thanks everyone for the great input. I think I'll just have a serious convo with him and say, 'look dude, I'd like to live with you but I'm afraid living with you may ruin our friendship, which I don't to happen. In order for our friendship to survive rooming together here are a couple of things I think we need to talk about before rooming together..." and then go through them.

  7. #17
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Well I'm going to interject my twopence here.

    I repeat stories and I know I do. I don't repeat things like "the time I..." "Me and my friends did..." Which is why I want to know the content of what Wyst's friend tends to repeat. When I have people repeat stories or instances, I think are they trying to convey something to me that they haven't completely worked out themselves? If wyst's says 'obsessively' I still need to know what this person is obsessive over. If it's a person who generally just likes to hear themselves talk, it's a confirmed pattern of behavior then I'm on board with beating them to the punch.

    I must admit, this thread is making me self-conscious. I have very specific people I do this to, even more specifically IxFJs who have a higher tolerance for my Fe natural behaviors than others do--as I do theirs. I trust these people, I ask directly "is now a good time?" but usually being IxFJs they'll say it's a good time whether or not it's really good time, but if they say it's not I bounce. I still check out receptiveness through other measures. I think I have a pretty good system for checks and balances in place: I bring things up during casual times like lunch or coffee breaks, on the ride home from work, and if they seem to be running out of steam for the subject I'll drop it. I also make sure reciprocate for them when they need it because friendship is a two-way street.

    I do this for problems or situation I haven't worked out yet or can't make sense of, that I am unsettled about, that I'm not finding a solution for. I verbalize my thoughts and oftentimes they're incomplete because I'm still thinking them out. OUT LOUD. I tend to stroll and meander through my thoughts and they're not very linear at all which also leads to frequent rambling. But like I said, I'd like to think I'm aware of this enough to do it with those (really like three people) who are tolerant. Wyst, perhaps your friend feels like you're tolerant of this and you see it a lot.

    I definitely see myself doing this, so if this is insecure and unself-aware I'm not going to duck under the table. But I know why I do it and it's not just to hear myself talk.

    Quote Originally Posted by Wyst View Post
    Thanks everyone for the great input. I think I'll just have a serious convo with him and say, 'look dude, I'd like to live with you but I'm afraid living with you may ruin our friendship, which I don't to happen. In order for our friendship to survive rooming together here are a couple of things I think we need to talk about before rooming together..." and then go through them.
    Good idea, you can't go wrong with this one.
    Last edited by proteanmix; 02-18-2010 at 12:57 PM. Reason: merged posts
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  8. #18
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    I totally get that, Protean. As a fellow extrovert, I think aloud too. I normally don't vocalize my personal problems, but I can still identify a bit with what you're saying.

    You seem to be totally aware of yourself and aware of others, so you are one step ahead of a lot of us on the evolutionary chain.

    It helps me when I know ahead of time if someone just needs to rant or if someone needs me to actively engage and help them. If I find myself repeating the same advice, or hearing the same stories over and over, I walk away feeling used and annoyed. But if it's made clear that someone needs to work something out, the tone changes considerably and I can be a great sounding board.

    Part of maturity is realizing what you are doing. The other part of maturity is making allowances for those who don't. So we all have something to learn.

  9. #19
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    I totally get that, Protean. As a fellow extrovert, I think aloud too. I normally don't vocalize my personal problems, but I can still identify a bit with what you're saying.

    You seem to be totally aware of yourself and aware of others, so you are one step ahead of a lot of us on the evolutionary chain.

    It helps me when I know ahead of time if someone just needs to rant or if someone needs me to actively engage and help them. If I find myself repeating the same advice, or hearing the same stories over and over, I walk away feeling used and annoyed. But if it's made clear that someone needs to work something out, the tone changes considerably and I can be a great sounding board.

    Part of maturity is realizing what you are doing. The other part of maturity is making allowances for those who don't. So we all have something to learn.
    True. I don't think my emotional validation thread is getting much steam, but I see this as part and parcel of the fraught concept of validation.

    Wyst's friend is concerned about a romantic relationship, and needs to know if he's going in the right direction or not. I have a coworker who tends to be a one-trick pony as far as her concerns about her relationship so I can also understand the annoyance of hearing the same thing over again. I don't consider this person complaining or needing advice...sometimes people are just talking without being pushy nor really being aware of what they're saying or why they're saying it. A non sequitur that doesn't need any comment at all, just a semi-attentive warm body they feel comfortable with.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  10. #20
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    :Stands up: My name is Unkindloving and i'm a broken record. :sits back down:

    You should have a conversation with him about this. I wouldn't just tell him to hush up or use the 'evidence' tactics. If you sit down with him and inquire about why he has broken record syndrome then perhaps everyone will have a better understanding of it.
    I'm pretty aware of mine and will begin stories at times with "I don't know if i've told you this" "Sorry if i've mentioned it" "Stop me if it's familiar" etc or i'll go through a condensed version of the story if i have recent events or thoughts to add to it.

    He may have no idea he does this or to what extent. If he does know, at least clarity over what he's looking to gain from it could be useful. It can help tone him down or with having him get to the point.
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