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  1. #1
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    Default Putting life/love on hold for change

    Does anyone ever feel like they are unable to commit to certain things or people because they are afraid they might change their mind entirely on an idea or person? Not any idea or person, but ones that most people would have strong one sided opinions about. I don't know if it is an ENFP thing because we are constantly changing directions, or rather our IDEAS about what our future directions should/could be, but it is really starting to freak me out about myself.

    I started to notice a pattern about my lack of decisiveness for all of the big commitments friends my age are beginning to take, which I can't even begin to think about such as marriage, buying a house, kids, "settling down". For example, even if I have an incredible guy that fits perfectily into my current lifestyle, which I have, I am afraid to really let him in my heart or consider marriage because I don't think he'd be OK with accepting who I might become one day. I may decide to go back to Christianity or I may decide to become a buddhist, although currently a non-practicing agnostic. I may want to move to some new city in the US or, most likely, some very random place abroad to help the less fortunate, or I may decide I want to remain in my home town and "be normal/fit in". I may want my own family or may choose I only want to adopt. There are a multitutde of others that would change up a partners game plan/life style dramatically.

    The thing is, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to stop evolving/reinventing who I am or want to be even if I wanted to. I know I may not be able to stay in a relationship if a person were to be completely different from who I fell in love with so how can I ask for the same? It's impossible to expect someone to love you after you completely change as a person or what you want out of life. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone but I'd have to stay true to myself and my dreams. I can make no promise on who I'll be or what I want..

    I don't know what Im asking for here, really.. Advice, empathy, shared feelings, not really sure.
    What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.

  2. #2
    Playnerd Timeless's Avatar
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    All I know is, there isn't a pause and play button for life.

    No matter what, it still goes on.

  3. #3
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    I felt this way when younger. However then I got knocked up which helped settle me onto a specific path. However on the path there are endless opportunities to grow and change. If I hadnt had my son young I would have travelled the world. Having him young, I went to grad school and got a degree in biophysics.

    As for the person-somewhere there is a list of stuff that tends to be most valuable to certain types. For enfps authenticity, for ESTJs prestige and so on. Identify the specific things you think you will never be able to flex on. Then make sure your partner matches there.

    My list would be kid1, kid2, dog1, no strong religious need to convert me and a few other things. From there you flex as needed.

    you can always sell a house, sell a car, or move.

    Dont sacrifice education though. It just pays off too well in the end.

    just my 2 cents though.
    Likes Noon liked this post

  4. #4
    Once Was Synarch's Avatar
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    OP, you're over thinking it. Stop that.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  5. #5
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    You're fucked.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceRobin View Post
    Does anyone ever feel like they are unable to commit to certain things or people because they are afraid they might change their mind entirely on an idea or person? Not any idea or person, but ones that most people would have strong one sided opinions about. I don't know if it is an ENFP thing because we are constantly changing directions, or rather our IDEAS about what our future directions should/could be, but it is really starting to freak me out about myself.

    I started to notice a pattern about my lack of decisiveness for all of the big commitments friends my age are beginning to take, which I can't even begin to think about such as marriage, buying a house, kids, "settling down". For example, even if I have an incredible guy that fits perfectily into my current lifestyle, which I have, I am afraid to really let him in my heart or consider marriage because I don't think he'd be OK with accepting who I might become one day. I may decide to go back to Christianity or I may decide to become a buddhist, although currently a non-practicing agnostic. I may want to move to some new city in the US or, most likely, some very random place abroad to help the less fortunate, or I may decide I want to remain in my home town and "be normal/fit in". I may want my own family or may choose I only want to adopt. There are a multitutde of others that would change up a partners game plan/life style dramatically.

    The thing is, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to stop evolving/reinventing who I am or want to be even if I wanted to. I know I may not be able to stay in a relationship if a person were to be completely different from who I fell in love with so how can I ask for the same? It's impossible to expect someone to love you after you completely change as a person or what you want out of life. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone but I'd have to stay true to myself and my dreams. I can make no promise on who I'll be or what I want..

    I don't know what Im asking for here, really.. Advice, empathy, shared feelings, not really sure.
    ...
    Last edited by Mr.Time; 02-24-2010 at 02:43 AM.

  7. #7
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceRobin View Post
    I can make no promise on who I'll be or what I want..
    Then don't, and just relax.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Time View Post
    Eh...how disgusting. Basically, you are saying you have no sense of stability, and in the end, no one can really trust you.
    see, stuff liek this is why I often hate dealing wiht INTJ's...
    now one of them just needs to add in "so what your saying is that your an indecisive moron"...:steam:

    anyways, back to the thread at hand

    there are lots of options in life. some options will probably always be open, others are only available in limited circumstances for short periods of time. there are lots of people in this world, lots of places, lots of job openings, lots of potential romantic partners. you can always return to your childhood home for the holidays. follow your heart...

  9. #9
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    Considering that all people change, some more so than others. The best solution would be to find someone who is just as capable of changing. The whole point is developing together, and to a certain extent placing faith in the fact that these changes will be with each other rather than creating conflict with each other. Suppose, this is where the whole compromise comes into play if there are minor clashes.

  10. #10

    Default

    You are safeguarding against the fact that the future might not be something you can predict. This is only slightly less self-destructive than believing you can predict it (sorry to the INTJs who are busy designing their mid-life crises).

    So my first point is you can't predict the future. No one can.

    Next point is you will change, so will they. Everyone changes. Everything changes.

    My final point is that you are looking out for people who don't need to be looked out for. You are destroying the opportunities both of you may have for the sake of protecting someone who might not want to be protected. Obviously if it doesn't feel right, dont marry someone. But with less binding things do you want to take that choice and give them no hope, in case it might not work?

    As an ENFP you'll learn from experience. It can be hard to throw yourself into it to start with, but once you do, you'll work it out okay.

    One other thing to remember is that people adapt in marriage and in relationships. Whether you help the less fortunate or become a Buddhist isn't that important. If you think in 5 years time you won't love them, that is a problem. The rest is just life. You can still live once you get married .
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

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