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  1. #11
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceRobin View Post
    The thing is, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to stop evolving/reinventing who I am or want to be even if I wanted to. I know I may not be able to stay in a relationship if a person were to be completely different from who I fell in love with so how can I ask for the same? It's impossible to expect someone to love you after you completely change as a person or what you want out of life. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone but I'd have to stay true to myself and my dreams. I can make no promise on who I'll be or what I want..
    No one can. Just as people grow and evolve and change, so do couples. I'm not the same person today I was at 20 and neither is my husband. We're different than we were 10 years ago. It's very possible that you will not want to stay in a relationship with a person who changes drastically. You can't predict or plan for the what if's. And yes you're over thinking this big time.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  2. #12
    Senior Member TopherRed's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceRobin View Post
    Does anyone ever feel like they are unable to commit to certain things or people because they are afraid they might change their mind entirely on an idea or person? Not any idea or person, but ones that most people would have strong one sided opinions about. I don't know if it is an ENFP thing because we are constantly changing directions, or rather our IDEAS about what our future directions should/could be, but it is really starting to freak me out about myself.

    I started to notice a pattern about my lack of decisiveness for all of the big commitments friends my age are beginning to take, which I can't even begin to think about such as marriage, buying a house, kids, "settling down". For example, even if I have an incredible guy that fits perfectily into my current lifestyle, which I have, I am afraid to really let him in my heart or consider marriage because I don't think he'd be OK with accepting who I might become one day. I may decide to go back to Christianity or I may decide to become a buddhist, although currently a non-practicing agnostic. I may want to move to some new city in the US or, most likely, some very random place abroad to help the less fortunate, or I may decide I want to remain in my home town and "be normal/fit in". I may want my own family or may choose I only want to adopt. There are a multitutde of others that would change up a partners game plan/life style dramatically.

    The thing is, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to stop evolving/reinventing who I am or want to be even if I wanted to. I know I may not be able to stay in a relationship if a person were to be completely different from who I fell in love with so how can I ask for the same? It's impossible to expect someone to love you after you completely change as a person or what you want out of life. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone but I'd have to stay true to myself and my dreams. I can make no promise on who I'll be or what I want..

    I don't know what Im asking for here, really.. Advice, empathy, shared feelings, not really sure.
    Sorry, I know this is a late post.

    My experience with ENFPs is that the younger, less mature they are, the less committed they can be to anything. For you, you are willing to commit to a significant other, but you're terrified he won't except your motile lifestyle.

    My J-ness advice: Find someone who is willing to except you, for you, no matter what stage you're in, no matter where you go. Such love is unconditional, and difficult to find, but I know ENFPs are easy to love. You'll find that person.

    Good Luck,
    --Fuzzy
    Love is the point.

  3. #13
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by noigmn View Post
    You are safeguarding against the fact that the future might not be something you can predict. This is only slightly less self-destructive than believing you can predict it (sorry to the INTJs who are busy designing their mid-life crises).

    So my first point is you can't predict the future. No one can.

    Next point is you will change, so will they. Everyone changes. Everything changes.

    My final point is that you are looking out for people who don't need to be looked out for. You are destroying the opportunities both of you may have for the sake of protecting someone who might not want to be protected. Obviously if it doesn't feel right, dont marry someone. But with less binding things do you want to take that choice and give them no hope, in case it might not work?

    As an ENFP you'll learn from experience. It can be hard to throw yourself into it to start with, but once you do, you'll work it out okay.

    One other thing to remember is that people adapt in marriage and in relationships. Whether you help the less fortunate or become a Buddhist isn't that important. If you think in 5 years time you won't love them, that is a problem. The rest is just life. You can still live once you get married .
    aww this post i love...i agree.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  4. #14
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    You seem to be afraid of losing your autonomy in a commitment. Your ability to change. I think you should express your fears to your partner. Who says you can't change your mind about things? Give him the benefit of the doubt.

  5. #15
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    You are going to find people, and hopefully that special person, who are going to love and appreciate you for you, for the qualities that you possess that are constant, unchanging, not shed like snake skin. It sounds like you are stressing out over ways that you currently or could possibly let people down and therefore you may be unable to see what makes you cherished. But its there and to others it is probably more substantial than you know. For me personally sometimes it surprises me how strongly people are attached to me. Maybe someone with more insight can say if this is an NF thing or not.
    the formless thing which gives things form!
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  6. #16
    Senior Member Parrish's Avatar
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    You can`t really put life on hold, you just gotta set/change your priorities straight.

    Where`s the rush? Just because everybody else is doing something it doesn`t mean you have to do the same thing as them at the same time or at all. You have your own pace and make your own choices. And everybody changes in one way or another with time and experience. I think learning and evolving are a continuos project that you work on your whole life and a partner is someone who accompanies you on that journey. You can never be a 100% sure that someone will go the whole way with you. Sometimes you have to go somewhere on your own, maybe he`ll take a different turn and your paths will cross again later, maybe not, but if you won`t try, you won`t know. And the things you are afraid of losing are the ones that bring you much happiness, so don`t give up on them just because you`re too caught up in the future. There are many possibilities, many different futures, but you are the one who decides which one you`ll live with the choices you make in the present.


    one of my favourite quotes:
    "A single event can awaken within us
    a stranger totally unknown to us. To live
    is to be born slowly."
    ~ from The Little Prince by Antione de Saint-Exupery

    (hope I don`t sound too much of a smarty-pants)

    cheers
    .:"Claude os, aperi oculos.":.

    "You can't give up hope just because it's hopeless, you have to hope even harder and cover your ears and go 'lalalalalalala'"- Fry (Futurama)

  7. #17
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceRobin View Post
    It's impossible to expect someone to love you after you completely change as a person or what you want out of life. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone but I'd have to stay true to myself and my dreams. I can make no promise on who I'll be or what I want..
    This is where my idealism always hits a wall. No matter how many people / experiences in life try to prove it irrational... I am thoroughly convinced you can love someone forever regardless of change as long as you communicate enough through the process. I feel like its a way of changing with them, or letting the relationship change with them. Of course, it takes both people having that mindset. That's where I always run into dead ends. That is where every relationship that has ever "ended", went. I changed or they changed but somewhere in the process they stopped identifying with me or wouldn't communicate enough to let me identify with them. Doesn't really answer a question, I know, but I figured I'd rant since you weren't sure what you were asking.
    ____________________________________________
    "In my soul rages a battle without victor. Between faith without proof and reason without charm." - Sully Prudhomme

  8. #18
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Time View Post
    Eh...how disgusting. Basically, you are saying you have no sense of stability, and in the end, no one can really trust you.
    I get you got assfucked by an ENFP, Mr.Time, but don't take it out on the rest of us. Better to not be able to trust someone, than to be able to trust they are always going to say something stupid.

  9. #19
    in-game Gamine's Avatar
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    Dear PeaceRobin,

    I share your sentiments almost exactly. Here is something that has brought me peace/excitement/turmoil/grace/wonder....Follow your gut. When the right decision comes along, whether it be choosing a place to travel to or a person to travel with, you will know it when you find it. Trust yourself; you are wiser than you think. If it is love or companionship you are seeking, why not think of a significant other as a person to run with, rather than something to stabilize you? Someone with just as much passion for adventure. Opportunities will find you, and as long as you keep an open heart and mind you will be able to see them. Never lose that perspective. Everything in life has led you to this moment, so you have earned it.

    Change is a good thing, a beautiful thing. Never settle. Never. We are not meant to be the same our entire lives. When it's the right person, let them in. What if they are the catalyst for changes you haven't even imagined yet?
    "Beware Those Who Are ALWAYS READING BOOKS" - Bukowski

  10. #20
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    Mr. Time was way too curt but you shouldn't entirely discard what he was trying to say.

    There is an aspect of your post which shows a lack of not wanting to accept the necessary consequences and responsibilities that comes with choices.

    If we could make choices and always have a way out, life might be easier, but that's not quite how life works. Your choices could always have a detrimental effect on another person. Your choices don't involve only you.

    You sound as if you might want to back out of a relationship at the slightest of excuses rather than go through the "tedium" of actually communicating with the person and talking things over with them.

    A woman's prerogative is to change her mind, huh? What a load of crap. That's just a lame excuse for not wanting to accept the responsibilities of her choices.
    The purple sun won't heal my purple bruises :ouch:

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