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  1. #1
    Senior Member Desperado44's Avatar
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    Default My fellow ENFJ's: Do You Ever Feel USED?

    I'm curious.....

    Do you ever get to feeling like most everyone in your life is just using you? They call or come by when they need that shoulder to cry on? When they have a tragedy? When they need something??

    Lately.....I feel rather 'used'.....curious if anyone else deals with that dynamic.....particularly with the opposite sex.....
    I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. --- Maya Angelou

  2. #2
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Uh, not really.

    Is this going to turn into a validation pity party? I'm out of plumb out of kleenex.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
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    Social Penetration Theory 3

  3. #3
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Hm. I rarely feel used, but because i don't allow it.
    I choose to recognize that i may have advice or the open arms they require. I take pride in that, but there are guidelines. In a case where someone rarely comes to me, i won't exert as much effort for them like i would a constant friend. If they aren't listening to my advice, i'll cut them off after a point. You need to be clear with certain people.

    Communication and self-reassurance. Very helpful things.
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
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    .:: DWTWD ::.

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    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

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  4. #4
    That's my name biotch! JoSunshine's Avatar
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    I used to. My sister and I were raised to be slaves...that's my saying about my family. It has taken a lot of work on both of our parts to learn to address our own needs and say "no" to people without being overwhelmed with guilt. I also had to realize that I was setting up the "usery" dynamic by falling all over myself to be there for other people and when (and if) people offered to help me I would refuse becuase I felt like I should be able to take care of myself and solve my own problems. So I was raised to be a slave and after I was "free", I choose to be one - I just had no idea I was doing it.

    These days, I usually don't feel used. People have different threasholds for giving. I am still pretty johnny-on-the-spot for the people in my life who do the same for me. I am still friends with people who are more takers than givers, I just don't extend myself to them the way I used to becuase they would ultimately suck me dry. The really good news is, I'm OK with it (most of the time). I don't want people to treat me like a slave so I don't act like one - for me it was all about learning to set boundaries, expressing my needs and limitations and learning how to accept help as gracefully as give help.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. " - Dr. Seuss
    I can't spell...get over it

    Slightly ENFJ, totally JoSunshine
    Extroverted (E) 52.5%........Introverted (I) 47.5%
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    Feeling (F) 55.56%............Thinking (T) 44.44%
    Judging (J) 51.43%............Perceiving (P) 48.57%

  5. #5
    Senior Member BlueFlame's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Desperado44 View Post
    I'm curious.....

    Do you ever get to feeling like most everyone in your life is just using you? They call or come by when they need that shoulder to cry on? When they have a tragedy? When they need something??

    Lately.....I feel rather 'used'.....curious if anyone else deals with that dynamic.....particularly with the opposite sex.....
    No, not really. Sometimes I feel like I'm giving more than I need to be to too many people at one time, but that's my issue and my lack of attention to my own needs. I don't think one person close to me would intentionally require more of me than I can give, and they have all been there for me when I've actually grown the balls to ask for help!

    But maybe that's just me...

    ~*79% Extraverted*~
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  6. #6
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    give and take is a balance, if you only give, you can't receive. If you only take, you can't share. The extremes of being human are quite interesting if not difficult to overcome.

  7. #7
    Senior Member pyramid's Avatar
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    if you really do find yourself in a place where everyone around you is wanting of something feel confident that these people see you as a pillar of strength as they trust and understand you as a valuable source for help. feel honored that others come to you for support and advice, and proud that you can be there for them because you have the skills, ENFJ!

    Try not to establish patterns that enable people to come to you for everything and anything-- at some point you will feel tapped out, probably as you do now.

    My mom is an ENFJ and she doesn't know when to stop helping, and in some ways I will never be able to thank her enough for stretching and accommodating to my issues when I needed it.

  8. #8
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    I did when I was a child, consistently. My parents had a way of sucking every bit of energy my sister (ENFJ) and I had, and throwing every responsibility they could on us. I home schooled my siblings when I was a preteen/teen. I had 4 sisters & one brother ranging from 4 - 11 & I did (at least what I thought was) everything for them. As I got older & started seeing more of the outside world I realized how wrong it was, but I couldn't leave my parents knowing I'd be leaving the babies behind.

    Then I came up with a plan. I had to cut their power over me. I rushed to graduate at 16, I warned the kids, got on a bus without my parents permission, and moved across the country for 5 months. I got a job, saved money, came home and moved into my own place (within walking distance from my family), and I helped my sisters/brother on my own terms, when they came to me. (Three of them eventually moved in when they were 16,14 & 11 yrs old, and my parents hardly fought it, and my dad's a lawyer.)

    Fortunately, I've never had to go through a power struggle that serious since, but I've had a mini version of that every time I started to feel 'used.' Get away, cut off what I feel is power over me from the other person, come back ready to make sure I'm more in control of what I give.

    This is just happening with my bf too, who made me feel used.
    ____________________________________________
    "In my soul rages a battle without victor. Between faith without proof and reason without charm." - Sully Prudhomme

  9. #9
    Senior Member TopherRed's Avatar
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    Not anymore...or at least not for long anyway. I'm getting much better at establishing their pattern of behavior much sooner.
    Love is the point.

  10. #10
    Member Kymlee's Avatar
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    I could understand the feeling of being used, but I think after you reach a certain point with helping others consistently it becomes more rewarding than taxing. I love being able to lend a hand to people, which makes me think that maybe our helpfulness is innately selfish.
    Bottom line is you need to be able to distinguish who you want to be in your life, because sometimes you will be taken advantage of, it happens to everyone. But do you want to live on the other side and not help others to avoid being hurt? Because I guarantee you that this mentality will hurt you even worse.

    Being bitter and cynical and even apathetic about doing what comes naturally to you is harmful to your spirit and wastes your life IMO... Take each situation as it comes, deal with it, LEARN from it, and move forward.

    those would be the keys to happiness and a rich, gratifying life. (Ideally)

    Good luck and I hope that you find your inner peace.

    With love,

    Kym
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    -Sydney J. Harris

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