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  1. #1
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    Default How to deal with an easily hurt INFJ...

    One of my closest friends is an INFJ. I am one myself - but that doesn’t always help me to understand her. I think my J is stronger than hers, and her F is stronger than mine. That might explain some of our misunderstandings.

    She gets offended very easily, so I really tiptoe around her so as not to hurt her feelings. However, sometimes it seems like I can do nothing right. That’s how our last ‘incident’ happened. She invited me over for the weekend, and I agreed somewhat reluctantly, since I tend to be very tired on weekend and prefer staying home. However, she said it was very important for her, and I agreed and made the necessary arrangements. Unfortunately on Wednesday I fell sick, and therefore cancelled the visit, promising to try and do it another time. Her first response (by email) was pretty calm, but when we chatted a few days after that, she was full of insinuations and hints about my ‘diplomatic illness’ (I was sent for an urgent ultrasound test, that’s how diplomatic it was…) ‘the evils of selfishness’ and how ‘I regrettably didn’t really understand how important it was for her’. All the time she kept saying it’s OK, but it was obvious it wasn’t OK at all…I told her I was very sorry to have let her down, but I really could do nothing else, and that I refuse to get into fight about that. I wished her goodnight and finished the conversation.

    I really don’t know what to do now. She is dear to me, but I don’t want to be the first to resume our regular relationship. I always end up apologizing to her for things she never feels the need to apologize for… I never make her feel bad when she cancels on me, take time to answer me, etc. Actually, I had never before cancelled a plan with her - although she did. But she simply doesn’t give one any credit. Doesn’t matter what a good friend you have been. One time you disappointed her - she will do everything to make you feel guilty and hint that you have some maturing to do…

    I consulted another friend, who is an INFJ as well, and he said I should laugh at her for interpreting things in this way (you were sick and didn’t come =you don’t love me enough), show her how absurd she is. But the truth is I don’t want to have to do that at all…I would like her to calm down and see for herself that she was in the wrong. And I am afraid that if *I* initiate the contact, we will be fighting in no time. And, being an INFJ, I hate confrontations.

    So…any advise? Am I right to do nothing, and wait for her to come around? I am not sure at all it’s going to happen…

  2. #2
    Cat Wench ReadingRainbows's Avatar
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    Let her come around. Seriously. She sounds immature herself. Relationships are a two way street. Not you give everything and she just takes it. She sounds like she has some real inner and self esteem issues. Are per chance best friends or even dating?
    Quote Originally Posted by EffEmDoubleyou View Post
    St. Stephen took rocks and St. Sebastian took arrows. You only have to take some jerks on an internet forum. Nut up.

  3. #3
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    Rainbows: no, just close friends. And believe me; I am not usually that tolerant with people. But she IS a special person: can be very wise, understanding and loving. It’s not like I do all the giving in our friendship - far from it. It’s just that I am always afraid to hurt her, since every thing which I do not exactly according to her expectations is taken as personal rejection…I should also add that she likes lecturing me (she is older than me by a good few years) and challenging me to what she calls: ‘self growth’, but I never dare to do the same to her.

    And yet, she is one of the smartest, kindest people I know… that’s what makes it such a dilemma.

  4. #4
    Cat Wench ReadingRainbows's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wellspring View Post
    Rainbows: no, just close friends. And believe me; I am not usually that tolerant with people. But she IS a special person: can be very wise, understanding and loving. It’s not like I do all the giving in our friendship - far from it. It’s just that I am always afraid to hurt her, since every thing which I do not exactly according to her expectations is taken as personal rejection…I should also add that she likes lecturing me (she is older than me by a good few years) and challenging me to what she calls: ‘self growth’, but I never dare to do the same to her.

    And yet, she is one of the smartest, kindest people I know… that’s what makes it such a dilemma.
    I'd go with my instincts then. I don't know her so or the whole situation. If you feel you have to do something, then do it. You might even know what you want to do right now. If this is worth keeping to you, then by all means keep it. But if you are stuck, then give yourself alone time to examine what you really want, and what you think is best for yourself.
    Quote Originally Posted by EffEmDoubleyou View Post
    St. Stephen took rocks and St. Sebastian took arrows. You only have to take some jerks on an internet forum. Nut up.

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