[NF] Unbalanced relationships

[Malkavia]

NFs do you ever find yourself getting into friendships, or even relationships and eventually notice you are very emotionally invested in this relationship and the other one isnt?

I think I used to do this, especially with friends. I started noticing it more and more and eventually fixed it.

 

[nolla]

I am afraid it goes both ways... some people like me more than I like them, what can I do..?

 

[IZthe411]

Not an NF, but I got that problem too

Except I'm usually the one that is being liked on.

 

[Malkavia]

Its always awkward when its the other way around and you notice someone is very invested in YOU, and you could care less.

How do you normally handle it?

 

[nomadic]

i think most of the time i am invested less than they are...

i don't do it in a mean way though...

 

[Phantonym]

NFs do you ever find yourself getting into friendships, or even relationships and eventually notice you are very emotionally invested in this relationship and the other one isnt?

I think I used to do this, especially with friends. I started noticing it more and more and eventually fixed it.

I can definitely relate. I used to do this too when I was younger and stupider. How did you fix it? My idea of fixing was to fix it for good. Bye.

But with friendships/relationships there's never really equal investment, one side is always giving/taking more. Now that doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship is unbalanced, the sides may change. But if it's constantly one-sided and it causes problems, then it's not working unless both are willing to work on it.

 

[IZthe411]

I can definitely relate. I used to do this too when I was younger and stupider. How did you fix it? My idea of fixing was to fix it for good. Bye.

But with friendships/relationships there's never really equal investment, one side is always giving/taking more. Now that doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship is unbalanced, the sides may change. But if it's constantly one-sided and it causes problems, then it's not working unless both are willing to work on it.

You are right...I think that ideally it should be 100/100, but that's not always the case. People feel that the man should love the woman more in a romantic relationship. I think there's some truth in that, but it shouldn't be where he's a slave to her every whim.

 

[Malkavia]

I fixed it because I made really close friends actually. When I was a little younger I noticed I did not have anyone who I really opened up to. Anytime someone got close to becoming a good friend I pushed way too hard and invested way too much. It scared a lot of people (and I understand why now that I have had people do that to me) I came off desperate and a little odd.

Eventually I caught myself and would just make myself take it slow with people when Id first meet them. Except my ENFJ best friend, I guess since we are both pretty intense we know how to deal with each other.

Now that I have a best friend and an extremely close circle of friends I dont see the need to rush things when I meet people.

I consider myself lucky though, the friends I have gotten close to are pretty bad ass and not everyone has that luxury.

 

[nolla]

People feel that the man should love the woman more in a romantic relationship.

Really...??? Where does that come from? I usually pride myself for knowing what "people feel that people should do", but I don't remember ever hearing about this one.

 

[IZthe411]

Really...??? Where does that come from? I usually pride myself for knowing what "people feel that people should do", but I don't remember ever hearing about this one.

Yeah, since love is easier shown by women (men are more prone to respect), It's believed that a man should be more in love with the woman, for it to work. He'll work harder at the relationship, in that case. That being said, love is shown differently between men and women, especially when you throw personality types in, so you can't assess who loves who more by only what's said or what's done.

 

[nomadic]

Yeah, since love is easier shown by women (men are more prone to respect), It's believed that a man should be more in love with the woman, for it to work. He'll work harder at the relationship, in that case. That being said, love is shown differently between men and women, especially when you throw personality types in, so you can't assess who loves who more by only what's said or what's done.

ummm... sure that works in theory...

but in reality, women want a man who they like more...

ask a woman who they want...

1) the kind of so so guy who professes his love for her every day

2) the super duper guy who makes her heart jump that doesn't seem to know she likes him...

they will pick 2 every time. So in reality, a woman likes the guy that she likes more!

 

[disregard]

ummm... sure that works in theory...

but in reality, women want a man who they like more...

ask a woman who they want...

1) the kind of so so guy who professes his love for her every day

2) the super duper guy who makes her heart jump that doesn't seem to know she likes him...

they will pick 2 every time. So in reality, a woman likes the guy that she likes more!

How old are you?

What about the guy that professes his love for her every day that also makes her heart jump?

There are more options than the two you provided, which conveniently supported your bias.

 

[IZthe411]

ummm... sure that works in theory...

but in reality, women want a man who they like more...

ask a woman who they want...

1) the kind of so so guy who professes his love for her every day

2) the super duper guy who makes her heart jump that doesn't seem to know she likes him...

they will pick 2 every time. So in reality, a woman likes the guy that she likes more!

Yeah that's the initial feeling, but a woman's going to eventually want that man to reciprocate. That mysterious persona thing gets real old real fast if she's putting herself out there and not getting anything in return!

 

[IZthe411]

How old are you?

I was thinking the same thing.

 

[BlackCat]

Its always awkward when its the other way around and you notice someone is very invested in YOU, and you could care less.

How do you normally handle it?

What does the other person do when it's flipped? When they aren't as invested? Most people will be passive aggressive and avoid the issue or be blunt.

 

[nomadic]

How old are you?

What about the guy that professes his love for her every day that also makes her heart jump?

There are more options than the two you provided, which conveniently supported your bias.

well i know its an extreme example, but guess what, most young attractive women have men lined up, and they are picking from there... they'd want the latter.

okay so lets say:

1) watevers guy who says he loves her every day
2) heart jumping guy who says he loves her every day
3) heart jumping guy who is too busy to know she exists...

in this case, probably go with 2, but until some point, guy 3 will have a window of opportunity.

me, i rather be the one choosing than the chosen... thats just me tho

 

[disregard]

well i know its an extreme example, but guess what, most young attractive women have men lined up, and they are picking from there... they'd want the latter.

okay so lets say:

1) watevers guy who says he loves her every day
2) heart jumping guy who says he loves her every day
3) heart jumping guy who is too busy to know she exists...

in this case, probably go with 2, but until some point, guy 3 will have a window of opportunity.

me, i rather be the one choosing than the chosen... thats just me tho

Just because a woman doesn't pick a bunch of guys that want her more than she wants them doesn't mean she wants a guy that wants her less than she wants him.

She isn't picking those guys because she isn't interested, not because they want her, although it's might feel better to think that way if you are a guy being rejected. Well, it's because girls always want what they can't have. No. It's because she isn't interested. Ignore her, try it! She won't come running. But it's nice to fantasize about.

Women with self-esteem appreciate a man that is 100% invested (when they are interested). That bold part is the fact that needs to be faced.

 

[nomadic]

Just because a woman doesn't pick a bunch of guys that want her more than she wants them doesn't mean she wants a guy that wants her less than she wants him.

She isn't picking those guys because she isn't interested, not because they want her, although it's might feel better to think that way if you are a guy being rejected. Well, it's because girls always want what they can't have. No. It's because she isn't interested. Ignore her, try it! She won't come running. But it's nice to fantasize about.

Women with self-esteem appreciate a man that is 100% invested (when they are interested). That bold part is the fact that needs to be faced.

yeah, i agree with the 100% invested part but come on bro, thats when you are together, like BF/GF.... later down the line. this relationship "power balance" seems more about the dating stage, what we are talking about in this thread...

actually i never ignore a girl on purpose... it just happens that someone else called first and grabbed my attention... also its my situation too. Im going to grad school, so i got a lot of free time, while all these girls im talking about are working full time...

 

[Unkindloving]

Typically, have been pretty invested in my friendships and not invested enough in my relationships.
It's not for a lack of being aware either. I'll inform people i date if i'm not feeling it enough or if they are too much. Then some friends say they are quite invested, yet they actually aren't.

There's definitely bound to be more on one side than the other, but there has to be more meeting closer to the middle

 

[disregard]

How about we compromise:

Women like a man that makes her come to him.