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[INFJ] INFJ's horrible communication skills

ntgirl

New member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
11
MBTI Type
intj
I could really use some help and advice on this one, thanks in advance. This is my first post here btw. Hello everyone!

I'm an INTJ woman dating an INFJ (I think) guy for over 2 years. I know for sure as far as tests are concerned, I’m an intj. I don't know about my boyfriend mostly because as the title says: he has very poor communication skills. I've given him mbti tests a few times, different ones, and the same ones again, and every time he came out as a different type: intj mostly, intp, istp. His results have always been poor on N and T mostly, and sometimes J.

I've read about my type, and his possible types intp and istp, and he wasn't fitting in them at all. He read about them and said it isn’t him. So that's clear. He's a strong introvert and combined with other weak functions N, T and P, I've concluded he must be an INFJ. He read about that type and agreed most of it is true, some is not at all of course. I can recognize him as an INFJ easily. But he seems not to know himself well and is not interested in mbti or working on his personality in general. I've known him for two years so I think that him being an artist, musician, poet, humanistically oriented professionally, caring about people, love, me, and many other hints, he looks very INFJish given all that.

I've read INFJs have a hard time expressing themselves verbally and discussing their emotions. I as INTJ do not feel threatened with conflict or constructive criticism. I like to argue in a form of a debate or something. It's impossible to do that with him as he shuts down, doesn't listen, becomes moody, ignores me, and changes the subject and so on. There are always a lot of misunderstandings between us. I have to guess what he is thinking and I can't read his mind. He always finds some of my statements rejecting but as a matter of fact there's just my questions out of curiosity.

This has drained us both and no matter how sensitive I am and try to talk, he cannot say what he thinks or feels easily and he walks away on me. I’ve suggested him to write down his thoughts in a letter so we could discuss our normal relationship problems like healthy couples do together. He doesn't like the idea and says it's easier to say than write. But he's contradicting himself.

He can't even listen to me. Well he listens, but it's very hard for him to concentrate on my words and to reply back. So I feel like I don't exist for him. I’m patient with him and he can't give it back to me. I want to help him/us and he sees that as a message he's not good enough for me and that I don' want him.

We love each other and have a beautiful connection. I’m 24, he's 29, but I don't know how to approach him. I like that he's a feeler, he compliments my so called intj coldness nicely but we're so different, so I usually get along great with NT types but not romantically. Those have been just incredible friendships.

I'm sorry for my English and I’ve omitted a lot and simplified some complicated issues between us, I'm also distressed form this too. I hope I’ll get some answers from all of you, I’d be especially glad to hear from INFJ males if possible. Thanks once again.
 

Sarcasticus

Circus Maximus
Joined
May 3, 2008
Messages
1,037
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ENTP
Enneagram
5w4
He doesn't sound very INFJ to me. INFJs generally are the ones in the relationship that seek harmony and intimacy and want to discuss the relationship and their feelings. Often to the point that an INTJ such as yourself might become annoyed.

If he is weak on N why do you think INFJ. Perhaps he is ISFJ?

BTW I see this is your first post-- welcome to the forums.
 

ntgirl

New member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
11
MBTI Type
intj
Hi, and thanks for welcoming me! :hi: Like I said I’m clueless who is he in general and speaking of mbti type. It's very hard to tell.
Thanks for your opinion, but I seriously doubt he is ISFJ. My mother is isfj and we don't get along good at all unfortunately. They've met too and only thing they have in common is this annoying Feeling, borderline insecure caring messy thing. :D And maybe a bit of J as far as organizing things.

Any other opinions what type he is, or what is going on with him in general? I have this mission/call to fix things when broken so this is bugging me when my relationship is not functioning.
I realized now I’ve been just bashing him in my first post, he's nice and smart; I wouldn't be with him otherwise, of course.:wubbie:
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
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INFJ
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9w1
I don't behave in the way that you are describing, at least not in relation to my partner, who is an INTP. Of course we are both conflict averse, he more so than I. Maybe it's an INFJ guy thing? I dunno.

When I'm upset about something the first thing I do is try to identify and understand the feeling and what is causing it. I'm usually very good at communicating what my emotions are.

If I can't sort the feelings out, I compulsively talk about and rehash the situation, etc until I figure it out or I am exhausted from thinking about it -- I will set it down to pick it up again later.

It's very important to my sense of well-being to understand what I'm feeling and why. I need to have closure with it to move on.

If I don't feel like someone is really interested or I feel that expressing my feelings will do more harm than good, I might choose to keep them to myself, but otherwise, I am pretty open about them.

So I'd say he's either not an INFJ, he somehow believes it's not in his best interest to share what he's feeling, or it has something to with gender that I have no idea about.
 
G

garbage

Guest
INFJs can take or leave this idea, but..

If he's felt criticized by you in the past, it could be that it's very hard for him to trust you enough to be able to open up to you now. He might want an outward expression and admission of this fact from you, or he may want to get a sense that you actually do understand him.

I think the letter idea is a good route.. it's a shame that he doesn't want to pursue it right now.
 

Vasilisa

Symbolic Herald
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Feb 2, 2010
Messages
3,946
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
Welcome, ntgirl. Sorry to hear about your frustration, I hope you can get some good help on here or at least some catharsis.

As an INFJ, I find that it might be hard for me to be prompted to speak, but when I do I really work to use the best words to communicate all my feelings. It is said INFJs have wide vocabularies. In real life, I know that some people get distracted with my word choice sometimes. I like using precise language as well as expressing things in analogies. Also I love listening to people and restating what they said (most like it too, makes them feel heard). So I wonder that bit about INFJs having horrible communication skills is actually referencing that they simply are harder to elicit communication from. I wonder what other INFJs think.

But back to your guy, I know someone who is ISFP who has some similarities with your boyfriend. I am not skilled at typing people at all, I'm just throwing this out there to ask if you ever investigated that type.

ISFPs:
do not express themselves directly, but through action
are fine arts inclined
are very very kind
are not interested in developing facility speaking, writing, or conversation
are very misunderstood
 

ntgirl

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Feb 10, 2010
Messages
11
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intj
Thanks cafe, you sound like a healthy infj. I know I might be wrong about him being infj.

Greed, thank you for the ideas, I’m naturally not good at seeing such things; I will apologise for criticizing him, even if I meant only good. He says I’m the only person he can talk with this way and so much, and I’ve never betrayed his trust, I’m sorry if he sees it that way.:doh:

Vasilisa, yeah I’m frustrated and not good at hiding it. Maybe that scares him away too. I’ve read about other types, all combinations introverts can have. He's brilliant in my eyes and totally non conventional, he can't be S, we think alike and he has an intuition like mine and an interest in spirituality outside religion, purely based on his internal sense of something being or not being there. I don’t want to stand out as judgmental but, no, no, he can’t be, isfj and isfp are very boring to me.

Why I thought he's an infj is because the chemistry between us is amazing, when we do get along he seems like me. There was a moment of „we're soul mates“(even though we don't believe in such a thing) when we first met. It wasn't just infatuation, me being intj, I can see through that and rationalize situation asap. He’s seemed like intj with external feeling and obviously some issues.

He's so difficult with expressing his feelings and protective to them that he sometimes purposely or not as he says, hurts me by making obnoxious comments to put me down or something. That’s why I’ve used word “horrible” in the title. (Which is not a big deal for me and I can handle it, my intj shell working.) But I do not accept that and want to change it, so does he. When he senses a rejection even if it's not actually there, he will go into some destructive mood to escape his imaginary loss of me or our relationship. (I thought about ending it of course and it’s not I can’t let go but first I’d like to know if there’s really nothing that can be done.)

It’s not that important to put him into a category, he hates it anyway, but I think it would be useful to know his type, and to go further and analyze our type of interaction and so on, and then deal with the issues. He is not interested in mbti, but he enjoys theories and SF and fantasy books. I'm definitely more rational and future oriented.

I hope this was helpful to figure him out more if possible. I'd appreciate it.;)
 

Lily Bart

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Mar 27, 2009
Messages
136
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INFP
Your situation sounds to me like the dynamic between my ENFP daughter and her ISFP ex-boyfriend. He was very open to her when she took him on his own terms and tried to listen (which is very hard for her) and didn't pressure him -- but when she tried to push too hard and tried to turn him into what she needed him to be, he stonewalled and backed further and further away until he broke up with her -- and she was shocked because she didn't understand that he was that upset, even though he'd tried to tell her (I'd tried to tell her, too, if that counts for anything!)

If you're sure he's INFJ, I might add that I would shut down oftentimes when things got difficult with my ENTP husband a). because he was the world's worst listener and b). I absolutely, positively felt it was better not to communicate than to say what was on my mind and possibly cause a fight. This was early in our relationship and needless to say, we've both learned or we probably wouldn't still be together.
 

burymecloser

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Jan 31, 2010
Messages
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INTP
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Welcome, ntgirl! :)

I was in an INTJ-INFJ relationship for 2½ years. Communication was our biggest problem. I don't know how much of this was about INTJ-INFJ dynamics, and how much was just our individual personalities, but we had a lot of passive-aggressive conflicts. Neither of us would talk about problems, instead taking them out on each other through actions. The absolute worst was a 3-hour car ride with just the two of us, and after a trivial disagreement 30 minutes in, neither of us spoke a word the rest of the way, didn't even stop for dinner.

I absolutely, positively felt it was better not to communicate than to say what was on my mind and possibly cause a fight.
Wow does this sound familiar. This rings very true to me. We used to have fights over not wanting to say something that might cause a fight.

He can't even listen to me. Well he listens, but it's very hard for him to concentrate on my words and to reply back. So I feel like I don't exist for him. I’m patient with him and he can't give it back to me. I want to help him/us and he sees that as a message he's not good enough for me and that I don' want him.
I know there has been some question as to whether this guy is really an INFJ. This specifically does not seem like NF behavior to me. The communication problems in my relationship were about initiating discourse; I think we were both pretty good listeners. I would sometimes get frustrated with my INFJ not understanding exactly what I meant, but that's my issue as an NT, not a shortcoming on the other end.

I do agree with those who have suggested that the possibly-INFJ boyfriend may be reacting to previous conflicts. In the relationship I mentioned, things deteriorated over time, so that eventually all problems became big problems. When I got upset about something, SO would stop talking to me until I explicitly said I wasn't mad any more. I became resentful because I felt like I was always the one who had to apologize, and the whole thing just snowballed. Point being, my INFJ was very sensitive to criticism and perceived displeasure, even potential conflict, and had an adverse reaction to it, especially in the communication department. ntgirl, I don't know if this applies to your relationship, but if so, it might be worth re-examining how you react to problems, especially unexpected ones.

Good luck!
 

21%

You have a choice!
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INFJ
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I've got a thought: are you sure he's an INFJ and not an INFP? From my experience, shutting you out during conflicts seems more Fi (INFP/ISFP), while 'righteous anger' (demanding that you see how you were wrong and how bad it hurt them) is more Fe (INFJ/ISFJ). INFPs are slightly more sensitive than INFJs, and they might react quite strongly to the 'potential rejection' that they perceive from how NTs word things. INFPs also shut down when they sense confrontation, and for NFs, NTs can come off as confrontational even when you're not trying to be so. If you're sure he is an NF, it is likely that the communication problem comes from the fact that he feels threatened by the 'debate' method of solving problems.

I'm dating an INFP, and I thought I was sensitive :tongue: I guess with NFs, the best way is to express how you feel (not as in "You made me feel bad", though, because that's also threatening), but more of something like "I felt like this when you did that. You probably didn't have the intention to hurt me, but I felt hurt because [insert honest self-psychoanalysis]". If he's an NF, he would definitely reach out to you, because you are opening yourself up -- showing vulnerability and offering a chance for emotional intimacy.

Hmmm, maybe that applies to INFJs as well...
 

Seymour

Vaguely Precise
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sx/so
I've got a thought: are you sure he's an INFJ and not an INFP? From my experience, shutting you out during conflicts seems more Fi (INFP/ISFP), while 'righteous anger' (demanding that you see how you were wrong and how bad it hurt them) is more Fe (INFJ/ISFJ). INFPs are slightly more sensitive than INFJs, and they might react quite strongly to the 'potential rejection' that they perceive from how NTs word things. INFPs also shut down when they sense confrontation, and for NFs, NTs can come off as confrontational even when you're not trying to be so. If you're sure he is an NF, it is likely that the communication problem comes from the fact that he feels threatened by the 'debate' method of solving problems.

I'm dating an INFP, and I thought I was sensitive :tongue: I guess with NFs, the best way is to express how you feel (not as in "You made me feel bad", though, because that's also threatening), but more of something like "I felt like this when you did that. You probably didn't have the intention to hurt me, but I felt hurt because [insert honest self-psychoanalysis]". If he's an NF, he would definitely reach out to you, because you are opening yourself up -- showing vulnerability and offering a chance for emotional intimacy.

Hmmm, maybe that applies to INFJs as well...

I agree that shutting down during conflicts isn't atypical for an INFP. Often, we need time for "offline processing" when dealing with conflict (so pushing harder in the moment may be counter-productive). Also, we tend to take criticism deeply to heart, and takes us a while to get over it (and yes, we find that quality irritating ourselves). I definitely agree that a strategy like 21% outlines is good way to approach relationship upsets with INFPs (and probably INFJs).

It's important with INFPs (and probably other NFs) to re-affirm that your intentions are good and you mean no harm when debating or offering less-than-positive feedback. It may feel silly to you, but it allows INFPs to remain more open to hearing your concerns. Usually INFPs are fairly forgiving if they understand your intent is good (barring stepping on a value mine).
 
V

violaine

Guest
I'm INFJ. Much of the time I don't want to discuss how I'm feeling at all, especially if it's going to be one of those 'difficult' conversations. I need time to process things and to weigh up the many factors that have to be taken into account during most conflicts to know how I want to proceed once a knee-jerk reaction I may be having has passed. I need time to respond in the kind of language I'm comfortable with. That is, calm and tactful. In those instances I don't like to be prodded over and over again for a response. That makes me shut down for a while.

If I become angry all I want to do is walk away until I can calm down again. I usually feel angry if a person isn't able to understand what I'm saying and I have to repeat myself a lot or if they are getting hysterical. (I hate that, though I know it's a knee-jerk response to what I perceive as drama.)

I also really don't like someone demanding an emotional response from me when I may not want to go into that part of myself. I don't identify with the INFJ righteous anger that has been mentioned but I guess that may not be universal to the type. I'm not comfortable reacting from unvarnished thoughts/feelings... And the sifting of those takes a little time in serious matters. Prior to that process I can be like a deer in the headlights. If the conversation continues I find the other person generally leaps to all kinds of conclusions which I then have to address on top of everything else. Ugh!

Suffice to say, calm discussion and proceeding in a way that allows me to think and then get back to them on things is the best way for me in those kinds of situations. If he is INFJ, a good tip may be for you to write so that he may write you back. That's how I often process conflict calmly because I'm not worried about caretaking the feelings of the person I love because they aren't right in front of me. It allows me to concentrate on one stream of information coming from me instead of two streams of information in the moment (reading my partner and reading my own reactions).

I don't know if he does this as well but I bottle things up and take everything on my own shoulders. It is great if my partner can wake me up out of this sometimes but they need to ask specific questions otherwise I will continue to take everything on my own shoulders out of habit unawares until it waylays me some way down the track. And even when that happens I will still forget to mention it to my partner but keep soldiering on... I have realized it can be a barrier to deeper intimacy.

Don't know if this sounds like him at all but all the best with it. I think an INFJ would always acknowledge the importance of good communication in a relationship at the very least... Trick is to find the means and pace that works for both of you.
 

quietmusician

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Nov 29, 2008
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4
Going back to the original post, it sounds like he could possibly be unhealthy, not extremely so though. I can't speak for all INFJ's, but I confront issues, maybe not right away, but it gets done. I don't see the need to drag them on and have people chase me around to open up and talk. I simply give my 'yes' or 'no' and maybe a couple of reasons why and move on. But that's not always the case with myself.

There might be an underlining issue he's not bringing forward. If that's the case his potential unhealthy behavior will keep him from even slightly opening up. And if he is an INFJ he would need to figure out all sides of his view on the issue in his head before speaking up. But he could be a P. You stated that he has a hard time listening to you? I don't believe I've ever been in that boat. He sounds a little too easy going with the lack of concentration when you two are speaking.

And don't forget enneagram also plays a huge role. A 4 (usually the brooding type) and a 9 (easy going, happier disposition) INFJ may appear like opposites, so you should check that out. I'm a 4 and I sometimes take a huge step backwards when an issue comes up involving another person. He sounds a little like me.

Hope I helped.
 

the state i am in

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if he is weak on N and 29, that sounds kinda strange. overall tho, i have no problem placing him as a potential infj. both infx male types tend to withdraw in conflict.

i agree with quietmusician that enneagram might provide serious help. both the type and the instinctual subtype. 4, 5, and 9 are all different, tho they are all withdrawn types. i'm 5w4 sx/sp so i'm more volatile, but more counterphobic, with that said, in the moment, i will definitely retract and avoid dealing with potentially emotional conflict or anxiety or embarrassment on the main-stage.

my s.o. is also an intj and we have communication issues at times. she is a 6w7 so/sx. she is more phobic, and she tends to push away negative thoughts and focus on what can be done immediately to make them go away. i tend to dwell on them more and try to completely understand and evaporate them. when we stop communicating, and let things fester, it can get rough. all instances of writing rather than speaking have been enormously helpful and a foundational get-back-on-track kind of thing. she also needs to express her feelings and find an expression for them for me to really let down my guard (altho we understand each other much better after so much work). still, when feeling threatened or worried (past or future), i can get really cloudy vision and have to work to come back to center. infjs can be sensitive to the past bc the context can change so drastically with new information, or it can add to it and show you your basic story needs drastic revision. infjs who learn to accept not-knowing and develop a more general outlook of trust, faith, internal balance, well- they're the happy ones. the ones who don't struggle (like focusing on balance and transparency rather than ultimate truth).

my impression is that my s.o. is way more feely than most intjs. it will be interesting to see how this unfolds as we both reach better individually focused balances for ourselves.
 

ntgirl

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Joined
Feb 10, 2010
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11
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intj
I might be pushing him away with my straight forward approach, yes. I see a problem and I want to resolve it as quickly as possible, I don't think about how that could be damaging when it's about making progress. :shock: I love it when someone criticizes me; I see it as an opportunity to get better, if I agree to it of course. I don't understand how that could hurt someone, but I do acknowledge and respect that. So he might be avoiding every possibility for a fight, even though we don't actually fight, we discuss. Ok, I do get annoyed by him not wanting to be a part of it, so in the end we do make a little scene. I always repeat to him I’m not arguing, I’m elaborating, so come and join me, but no way. It's possible he doesn't even want to listen to me when he's afraid it will escalate into argument. I know, immature for a 29 year old, I’m ashamed of it too. Or he could have a bit of ADHD, I don’t know, I’m not a psychiatrist.

This might look like we do not talk at all. Lol. we do, and it's wonderful, we're saying the same things at the same time, finishing each other sentences...It just can't always be pretty, all people have issues, and if they're left unsolved, nothing good will ever come out if it. So why wait and avoid it, I can't wait to jump into and resolve them.:cheese:
Someone here said: 'righteous anger' (demanding that you see how you were wrong and how bad it hurt them), it’s a NF trait. He’s a master of that. Countless door slams, like he has inner outbursts of anger, it’s quite terrible. He confessed to me he’s so full of rage at one moment, and he does stupid things, then later is so sorry and self conscious, full of guilt, he always apologies when he cools down and he says it’s his fault. Violaine, you sound very much like him.

Like someone said too: “If he's an NF, he would definitely reach out to you, because you are opening yourself up -- showing vulnerability and offering a chance for emotional intimacy.” That is him too. So, instead of changing him, which was never an idea, but adjusting us to each other, I would need to modify my way of communicating with him. I’m willing to try but, I’m sorry, it already feels like I’m talking to a sensitive little kid, or worse, walking on eggshells. I think it’s as hard for NFs to hear cold words from NTs, as hard it is for NTs to talk from the heart instead out of head. It’s just not how I’m wired, I’m afraid if I try to talk with him like that it wouldn’t be sincere, because I’m focused on facts, and not on emotions underlying them. Is it reverse for NFs? Should I add I’m in a law school and we simply talk like that? I’m sort of numb; how else can you think straight? So it’s going to be very hard, I can pull an act, it just won’t be fair that way. Maybe kindness is sometimes wiser than the truth.:hug: (I love the smilies).

As for enneagram, I very much liked the last post form the state I am in, but I’m clueless again, as I won’t push him now to do more tests. When the time is right and if I’ll have a lot of luck, I’ll try to get him do one.
Thanks everyone, it’s nice to know we’re not the only ones having issues, and you’ve been of a great help and support. :yes:
 

the state i am in

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under stress, the weak points of every relationship are exposed. they can be fortified by additional work, building up reservoirs, better understanding, grounding techniques, etc.

i know i have required a lot of taming, not in the traditional wild and free sense, but in dealing with my own shit and not reacting so intensely to what i perceive as negativity (including potential vulnerabilities). it becomes obvious that you might have an obligation to not put your partner thru the hot-cold fickle so fickle rigmarole. porcupines are not good role models, and logic can be a beautiful guiding light when you see the logical ends of such behavior. you may have to revise your understanding until it can better merge with the real events of your life.
 
V

violaine

Guest
Like someone said too: “If he's an NF, he would definitely reach out to you, because you are opening yourself up -- showing vulnerability and offering a chance for emotional intimacy.” That is him too. So, instead of changing him, which was never an idea, but adjusting us to each other, I would need to modify my way of communicating with him. I’m willing to try but, I’m sorry, it already feels like I’m talking to a sensitive little kid, or worse, walking on eggshells. I think it’s as hard for NFs to hear cold words from NTs, as hard it is for NTs to talk from the heart instead out of head. It’s just not how I’m wired, I’m afraid if I try to talk with him like that it wouldn’t be sincere, because I’m focused on facts, and not on emotions underlying them. Is it reverse for NFs? Should I add I’m in a law school and we simply talk like that? I’m sort of numb; how else can you think straight? So it’s going to be very hard, I can pull an act, it just won’t be fair that way. Maybe kindness is sometimes wiser than the truth.:hug: (I love the smilies).

This is why writing to each other may work. It gives an INFJ a little time to get their (many) thoughts in order. The unease an INFJ may feel when they are worked up isn't clouding their thoughts.

It wouldn't have to be the way you always work through things, it's a means of establishing an effective way of relating until it can carry over into discussion. Having something in words crystalizes issues and frees me up to be able to contemplate. Preferable to how it can be during discussions in person when as I said there can be so much information coming in that it can make me freeze a little until I have some time to myself. I'm sure a lot of INFJs work similarly, it's along the same lines as feeling profoundly close to someone when we are away from them. Some people just need a little time for reflection before all of their thoughts can flow freely because there is so much going on inside. (This may or may not apply to him and I don't think it's exclusive to INFJs.)
 

cascadeco

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I'm INFJ. Much of the time I don't want to discuss how I'm feeling at all, especially if it's going to be one of those 'difficult' conversations. I need time to process things and to weigh up the many factors that have to be taken into account during most conflicts to know how I want to proceed once a knee-jerk reaction I may be having has passed. I need time to respond in the kind of language I'm comfortable with. That is, calm and tactful. In those instances I don't like to be prodded over and over again for a response. That makes me shut down for a while.

If I become angry all I want to do is walk away until I can calm down again. I usually feel angry if a person isn't able to understand what I'm saying and I have to repeat myself a lot or if they are getting hysterical. (I hate that, though I know it's a knee-jerk response to what I perceive as drama.)

I also really don't like someone demanding an emotional response from me when I may not want to go into that part of myself. I don't identify with the INFJ righteous anger that has been mentioned but I guess that may not be universal to the type. I'm not comfortable reacting from unvarnished thoughts/feelings... And the sifting of those takes a little time in serious matters. Prior to that process I can be like a deer in the headlights. If the conversation continues I find the other person generally leaps to all kinds of conclusions which I then have to address on top of everything else. Ugh!

Suffice to say, calm discussion and proceeding in a way that allows me to think and then get back to them on things is the best way for me in those kinds of situations. If he is INFJ, a good tip may be for you to write so that he may write you back. That's how I often process conflict calmly because I'm not worried about caretaking the feelings of the person I love because they aren't right in front of me. It allows me to concentrate on one stream of information coming from me instead of two streams of information in the moment (reading my partner and reading my own reactions).

:yes: Same for me too. Especially the piece of not wanting to react with unvarnished thoughts/feelings. For one thing, sometimes/often my initial reaction isn't my final thought/conclusion; thus I don't want to speak, prematurely, until I've really had time to weigh everything because I very well might have a different thought/feeling about all of it after having gone through that process of reflection...which needs to be done by myself. Basically, I don't talk through things well at all, and I don't like doing that. I also don't really like appearing to be emotional or scattered; like violaine, I desire to approach conflict in a calm manner, after I have gathered my thoughts and can communicate them effectively.

Also, sometimes I don't know WHAT I think/feel about something until I've had time to think about all of it. That means sometimes I **can't** discuss in the moment - it's an impossibility. Yes, the deer-in-the-headlights thing.
 

Tiltyred

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Sometimes it's really better to look and listen and not talk. Are you pushing for closure from him because you are anxious? Can you just hang loose for a bit and not push and prompt him? Do it his way and do not address every issue head on, and see what happens if you try to adapt a little to a less confrontational/verbal way.
 
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