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  1. #1
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    Default The reason INFJs find it hard to forgive

    I have previously read posts where non-INFJs asked if INFJs could ever forgive, why they would keep score of bad things people had done to them, etc.

    I have found an answer for myself (because I am struggling with this), and perhaps other INFJs will relate.

    INFJs are all about Being.
    If someone hurts me in a way that really offends my idealistic principles, I am very vexed to discover how that person really IS. It is difficult for me to make a distinction between a bad thing someone DID and what the person IS like. I feel that this wrong doing shows the offender's real nature, and I don't want to be around a liar, around a superficial friend, around a prideful person, etc. (Very type One, I know).
    The people who offend me in this way and make me feel like giving the doorslam are usually those I respect the most and saw as role models. Now, I don't want to have a liar, vain, prideful, etc. role model, do I?

    I go from ridiculously admirative to almost hateful. It's all about disappointment.

    I am learning to embrace people as they are and accepting the fact that no human being is perfect. I am learning to separate actions from being. Although it is a greater challenge when hurtful actions are repeated and appear as a constant.

    For example, one of my childhood best friends was a SFP. Another friend is ISFJ (she was closer to this SFP than me). We both grew really tired of having this friend letting us down, being ungrateful, not showing up when she said she would, using us, etc. We both ended up taking a distance and we barely ever see this girl now. We also feel like she's moved on on us (she moves on people easily). So. What is forgiveness here? This is a mystery to me, because it seems obvious that I cannot embrace this friend's nature. I don't agree with it. I seem to see forgiveness as total love and reconciliation taking place. I guess forgiveness sometimes means peace of mind and no bitterness, but a possible distant relationship.
    Well, in my book, distant relationship=conflict.

    Any tips? Any thoughts?

  2. #2
    Member Tycho's Avatar
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    If ever someone thinks that maintaining a friendship with me is not worth their time and energy, so be it. I usually don't have problems to forgive someone; I respect everyone's right to withdraw from me. I for myself have done worse things in my life than withholding friendship from someone that may have expected more of me.

    I can have a hard time to handle a former friend's rejection but people sometimes change their perspective on their social lifes, look for different things than the ones I can offer them, and start to explore having friendships with different people. That's not always fine with me but it's part of life.

    In the past I have called things vain, deceitful and proud that I tolerate better now; but if your friend's behaviour never ceases to hurt you, then you should not feel guilty about withdrawing from him yourself. Friendships should stay a source of joy.

  3. #3
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    It's because they lead with Fi in socionics.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  4. #4
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    For me, forgiving isn't even the issue, people are just people, warts and all. It's the trouble with forgetting that starts the distancing. It is about disappointment that breaks something in the friendship that seemingly can't be fixed no matter how much you try.

  5. #5
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    I see forgiveness as a scale. When instances like the one in your situation happen, I reset everything back to "zero" with that person... meaning I am basically indifferent. Forgiveness in these situations is indeed more about peace of mind than actually forgiving... because its hard to forgive someone who chooses not accept.

  6. #6
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Loyality is a thing only a few people are capable of to present. The day I'ld cheat on my infj will too be the day I finally cheated on myself and that day will be the day I die, slowly.

    I am not a big fan of the military nor am I very good at convincing other people that I wont betray them, cause I am the biggest asshole you'll ever meet in your life. But you know it's as twisted like that.

    [YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc9-2rb8TxU"].[/YOUTUBE]
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  7. #7
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    i think it's bc we supply so much of the past as context to our present moments and our projected futures. so the past doesn't die a painless death and easily be forgotten, it is always part of how we see the other/the world. it can always potential add to a contextualization, help frame an event, express a particular attitude, etc. trapped in subjective perceptions (from the past) like Si. but hopefully we can clean them out and become more rational more easily in order to cope with our own negative housings (time to consult the entps for advice).

  8. #8
    Member Tofu562's Avatar
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    i've pissed off an infj friend of mine too many times. but she always forgives me. =D

  9. #9
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KLessard View Post
    What is forgiveness here? This is a mystery to me, because it seems obvious that I cannot embrace this friend's nature. I don't agree with it. I seem to see forgiveness as total love and reconciliation taking place. I guess forgiveness sometimes means peace of mind and no bitterness, but a possible distant relationship.
    Well, in my book, distant relationship=conflict.

    Any tips? Any thoughts?
    Sometimes forgiveness is just letting go and moving on. Sometimes that is all you can do because the other person was never really sorry for what they did to hurt you, because you've realized it's better to not have them in your life...etc. Hanging on to resentment can end up hurting you more than anything else.

    But I completely relate to how difficult you find this because I do too. Letting go of resentment and hurt and moving on is practically the hardest thing I am ever called upon to do in my life, when it arises.
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  10. #10
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Sometimes forgiveness is just letting go and moving on. Sometimes that is all you can do because the other person was never really sorry for what they did to hurt you, because you've realized it's better to not have them in your life...etc. Hanging on to resentment can end up hurting you more than anything else.
    I agree with this completely.
    "It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Thought breeds thought." ~ Henry David Thoreau

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