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[MBTI General] The dark side of getting along very well with everyone

SilkRoad

Lay the coin on my tongue
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Does anyone else find this?

In a nutshell, due to what people perceive as my easy-going personality (which I would say is a combination of a genuinely easy-going personality, and a somewhat unhealthy ability/habit of keeping all my frustration and annoyance inside and most preserving a calm exterior), I get along extremely well with almost everyone almost all the time. There may be relatively few people I’m very close to (though there are some), but whether you’re a work colleague, or some other casual acquaintance, or a casual friend, or a very close friend – it is more than likely that you and I have never had a major disagreement or friction, or if we have, it’s really been pretty mild and hasn’t lasted long at all.

Now for the backfiring part. I feel like because things are so smooth most of the time, when someone IS annoyed with me, or when someone’s really hurt me, or I have a major disagreement with someone – it destroys me and it may very well destroy the relationship. I am the opposite of people who say “because I have a volatile temper [or because my friends and I all have very different and strong opinions, or whatever], I’ve had many big blow-ups with my friends over the years, and sometimes we’ve stopped speaking to each other for extended periods of time, but in the end it’s always resolved and we’re the best of friends again.” I feel that with rare exceptions, if that sort of thing happens (which of course it very seldom does), the relationship may have no chance of recovering. I'm not talking about minor things, because I really do let those go - sometimes even a little too much!

Am I making sense? I guess I’m saying that since there isn’t usually much conflict in my life, when there is, I take it even more seriously than I should and get so scared and angry and upset that I may just want to stay out of the other person’s way for the rest of my life.

Anyone else find this? How do you deal with it?
 

Totenkindly

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I think one reason I for so many years was good at keeping peace in relationships was because I felt unable to handle a conflict and was scared of losing the relationship if a conflict did occur.

I also had a lot of trouble with the idea of someone thinking poorly of me, being mad at me, or hating me -- thinking I was a "bad" person because of my position. It didn't help I was in a uniform subculture with its own set of stringent rules, nor that I had a lot of self-doubt and constantly questioned my own judgments. (I think those who do not self-judge go into conflict with a "no holds barred" mentality, so if you're someone who questions yourself regularly, you're even at more a disadvantage and left wondering if the price of the conflict will be worth the stance you take.)

In my 30's, I started a long road of accepting that conflict was necessary in the process of having integrity of self as well as in becoming a better person. What helped by that point also was that, unlike some of my early family relationships, I had been in relationships with people who I had had conflicts with from time to time... and they didn't abandon me or necessarily think poorly of me for taking the position I did. That was an eye-opener for me.... what, reasonable people in the world? Who would have thought?

I think another part was being able to admit that sometimes I was downright wrong or at the least not seeing their POV as clearly as I thought I had. It's sort of humbling to have to engage with someone and negotiate the relationship and put myself under the spotlight and scrutinized by them. In fact I intuit this is another part of conflict avoidance; for whatever reason, one feels that they really need to cling to their perception of the world and to actually work through the conflict might mean a readjustment which one does not feel prepared to do.

So for me, it was a sense of knowing when to maintain peace and when a conflict is actually of benefit to myself and others. Also, I had to take things more in stride and not read a lot into the strife in the first place. Conflict happens, even between good people, when someone accidentally steps on each other's toes or when two people believe passionately in different things.

How are you feeling about things? It sounds like the fact you are asking the question is a sign you're not entirely happy with the way things have been and are open to change, even if you don't know what it entails yet.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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This sounds related to that underlying drive to have other people not be random or unpredictable. Some people are abrasive all the time, so that people will respond in an expected way. Once you have done everything you can to have a peaceful, diplomatic relationship with someone, and they still blowup, what else can be done? They have shown themselves to be kind of random?

I relate in part to what you have said. What I cannot comprehend is the whole "We were angry and said things we didn't mean" concept. If they didn't mean it, then where would the ideas come from? I can imagine they might have exaggerated, but I think they did mean it. I can try to forgive, but those ideas had to come from some place.
 
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SilkRoad

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Thanks, Jennifer. I really relate to a lot of what you said. I think part of it is definitely being scared to lose relationships over conflicts. Not that I want to start having unnecessary fights with people! but yes, I think I am starting to realise that sometimes a degree of conflict is necessary and can be productive if handled in an adult way and not allowed to fester. I guess I have had some experience of conflict where both of us were kind of immature, and they took something mildly critical/constructive as an attack, and I was terrified that I’d hurt them or they disliked me because of that. I do also tend to question myself a lot. And anything beyond mild conflict just feels horrible to me. I mean, it’s like a bomb goes off inside me and I am just flattened both emotionally and physically.

I have also caused problems to myself by expecting people to know what I’m feeling. Typical INFJ. I think, again, that I had a couple of relationships where I was made to feel like an unpleasant person for expressing myself about something the other person did that I didn’t care for (even though I did it in a very mild way) and that may have frightened me into thinking I should just put up and shut up all the time. Yes, people can be very oblivious and self-centered and sometimes if they looked outside of themselves a little more, they’d see better how other people feel. On the other hand, it’s not fair to expect other people to read your mind/heart most of the time. So I know that when conflict emerges for me (with someone I’m close to and really care about), there tends to be a lot of other more or less hurtful stuff that has piled up in the background and that makes the chance of repairing the situation that much less likely.

I do want to change this and am working on it gradually – like I said, it’s seldom a problem, but when it is, it’s HUGE. Expressing my needs to other people and spelling them out a bit more, still in a kind and thoughtful way, might be a good start. Even that feels a bit scary, though.

This sounds related to that underlying drive to have other people not be random or unpredictable. Some people are abrasive all the time, so that people will respond in an expected way. Once you have done everything you can to have a peaceful, diplomatic relationship with someone, and they still blowup, what else can be done? They have shown themselves to be kind of random?

Yes! Unpredictability really frightens me, and part of me thinks that if I approach someone in a mild manner, I can "predict" that they'll respond in kind. If they don't, it can wreck me - even if it kind of doesn't have much to do with me.
 

disregard

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I can totally relate. The only person I've managed to break this habit with is my SO, and it made the relationship I have with him a million times better than any other. It's just superficial joy when things are so smooth with a friend. It sucks to keep all your disappointment and hurt inside, because it becomes resentment, which destroys love (friendly love!).

I just had to remind myself that my needs had to be met in order for us to have the good relationship I so desire, and so I expressed them. Sometimes it was hard, because people get defensive.. but what (hopefully) comes after the defensiveness is communication and intimacy.

If not, then I don't think they're worth it.
 

SilkRoad

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I can totally relate. The only person I've managed to break this habit with is my SO, and it made the relationship I have with him a million times better than any other. It's just superficial joy when things are so smooth with a friend. It sucks to keep all your disappointment and hurt inside, because it becomes resentment, which destroys love (friendly love!).

Well, I have had friendships where GENUINELY (certainly on my side!) things have almost always been very smooth, disagreements have been extremely minor, etc. And I don't feel like we're keeping stuff under the surface. But...maybe in cases like that, there has actually been a degree of conflict from time to time but because of the nature of our relationship we've handled it in an adult fashion, it's all remained amicable and so to me it hasn't even felt like conflict. I hope/trust those friendships would still survive even if something really big came along. But yeah, if I get to the point with someone where I'm keeping things inside and feeling resentment, it's a sign that I need to be more open and honest with them, without fearing the consequences - or maybe it's a sign that the friendship just isn't quite meant to be, because I don't feel safe having any degree of conflict with them.

I seem to be e6 and since I've just recently started looking into the enneagram, that also has helped things like this make more sense to me, in understanding why I act/react the way I do.
 
S

Sniffles

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You can't please everybody. Sad fact but true. I try to be polite and well thought of by others; but the simple fact is there are bitter jackasses in the world too. Interestingly enough even being a good person is enough to earn the wrath of some people.
 

Totenkindly

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You can't please everybody. Sad fact but true. I try to be polite and well thought of by others; but the simple fact is there are bitter jackasses in the world too. Interestingly enough even being a good person is enough to earn the wrath of some people.

Totally agree.

It took me awhile to learn, though, and sometimes I catch myself having fallen back into the cycle and have to actively jolt out of it again.

In general, it's not a bad thing to accommodate what one can... but sometimes it's not worth the cost. And sometimes people simply are not reasonable or able to negotiate.
 

Spamtar

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The ability to cut people out of my life has been a recent phenomenon. Regardless if it is a result of alienation or no it is a great discovery/freedom.

I now feel accommodations/meeting someone half way, is fine, as long as you also let people know that you have boundaries and if they are crossed there are consequences.
 

purplesunset

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But the "getting along with everyone" part might just be an illusion in your head though. You don't know what thoughts about you people might harbor in their hearts even while they greet with a smile on their face.

Remember that other types, aren't as obsessive about authenticity. On the contrary, lies, and surface appearance create social protocol and are the glue that holds SJ dominant society together.

I think the reason you hate conflict is because you perceive it as a failure on your part. "I'm so nice. I deserve to get along swimmingly with everyone." This smugness doesn't account for the fact that there are some genuinely evil and destructive people out there who could harbor ill will towards you without any specific cause.

So whenever the illusion of getting along with everyone is popped via a conflict, it's hard to swallow because your self-esteem which depended on the illusion also took a hit.
 

SilkRoad

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But the "getting along with everyone" part might just be an illusion in your head though. You don't know what thoughts about you people might harbor in their hearts even while they greet with a smile on their face.

Remember that other types, aren't as obsessive about authenticity. On the contrary, lies, and surface appearance create social protocol and are the glue that holds SJ dominant society together.

I think the reason you hate conflict is because you perceive it as a failure on your part. "I'm so nice. I deserve to get along swimmingly with everyone." This smugness doesn't account for the fact that there are some genuinely evil and destructive people out there who could harbor ill will towards you without any specific cause.

So whenever the illusion of getting along with everyone is popped via a conflict, it's hard to swallow because your self-esteem which depended on the illusion also took a hit.


Yeah, I agree about the failure part, actually. I was thinking about this just the other day.

The illusion part and people secretly hating me...possibly. I'm sure it has probably been true occasionally. But most of the time, I doubt it. I think that when people secretly dislike you, you get to hear about it/find out about it eventually. People talk about you behind your back and someone passes it on to someone who passes it on to you...etc. Sure, there have been occasions in my life where someone has said something not the nicest about me behind my back and it got back to me. But mostly it's been nothing too hideous, and it happens so seldom that unless I'm grandly delusional, or totally wrapped up in my own little world, I tend to think that most people actually do think I'm ok.

I'm certainly not saying everyone adores me and is my friend...no way. I am saying that most of them probably fall somewhere between being indifferent to me, all the way up to being a very close friend (a minority).

It is also true that some people are assholes and will go in for the kill if you make the slightest error (however much you may try to fix it) or show weakness of any sort, even if you do your best to resolve the nastiness on your side.

I'm not going to stop trying to be a "nice person." I think the key is knowing when to be more assertive about your needs. And also not thinking that you have the power to control everyone's reaction just because you're doing your best to get along with them.
 

Vasilisa

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I relate to at times taking blowups really hard and brooding over them. Sometimes I feel like I can forgive but never really forget. Really don't want that to poison my relationships, tho. One of the worst things, too, is when a person (with a different personality type typically) reveals something someone said about me to them it can be particularly damaging to me. Maybe in some arrogant way I think I should have guessed that they were having these feelings. It's also annoying that others can lay that information on me without realizing how its going to upset me. I get so disturbed by the fact that people are talking about me behind my back, which I recognize is immature. Part of the reason is that I don't talk about myself a lot (except on this site, lol) to people anyway. Its also hard when I let someone down, I feel like its easier to just drop them then deal with it, and oftentimes I didn't even really do anything that bad. Gotta fight the urge to drop the current imperfect and seek the perfect. It takes work. :hug:
 

SUPER

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Does anyone else find this?

In a nutshell, due to what people perceive as my easy-going personality (which I would say is a combination of a genuinely easy-going personality, and a somewhat unhealthy ability/habit of keeping all my frustration and annoyance inside and most preserving a calm exterior), I get along extremely well with almost everyone almost all the time. There may be relatively few people I’m very close to (though there are some), but whether you’re a work colleague, or some other casual acquaintance, or a casual friend, or a very close friend – it is more than likely that you and I have never had a major disagreement or friction, or if we have, it’s really been pretty mild and hasn’t lasted long at all.

Now for the backfiring part. I feel like because things are so smooth most of the time, when someone IS annoyed with me, or when someone’s really hurt me, or I have a major disagreement with someone – it destroys me and it may very well destroy the relationship. I am the opposite of people who say “because I have a volatile temper [or because my friends and I all have very different and strong opinions, or whatever], I’ve had many big blow-ups with my friends over the years, and sometimes we’ve stopped speaking to each other for extended periods of time, but in the end it’s always resolved and we’re the best of friends again.” I feel that with rare exceptions, if that sort of thing happens (which of course it very seldom does), the relationship may have no chance of recovering. I'm not talking about minor things, because I really do let those go - sometimes even a little too much!

Am I making sense? I guess I’m saying that since there isn’t usually much conflict in my life, when there is, I take it even more seriously than I should and get so scared and angry and upset that I may just want to stay out of the other person’s way for the rest of my life.

Anyone else find this? How do you deal with it?

Or maybe you're just so easy to get along with because you find it so hard to get over a conflict.

Instead of avoiding conflict being a dark side to getting along well with everyone, Perhaps your friendly easy going personality is the bright side to avoiding conflict.

Ever think of it that way?
 

Kastor

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This sounds very similar to what I'm going through with a friend right now.
 

SilkRoad

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Or maybe you're just so easy to get along with because you find it so hard to get over a conflict.

Instead of avoiding conflict being a dark side to getting along well with everyone, Perhaps your friendly easy going personality is the bright side to avoiding conflict.

Ever think of it that way?

Do you mean I try to get along with everyone to defuse (or pre-empt) conflict because I find conflict so hard to take? Yeah, I suppose that's partly true. I guess it can be good and bad. Basically, I just want everyone to get along...maybe I shouldn't over-analyze it :D
 

Virtual ghost

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I don't think that this is a dark side of getting along with everyone. I am afraid that this is just unspectalular attempt of fighting your fears.


I mean ok the person does not like you at the moment but that is not reason enough to suck up everything. Not to mention that many people change their mind with time if you didn't do something really wrong.


So relax and grow some skin since you are going to need it in this life. (sooner or later)
 

SilkRoad

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So relax and grow some skin since you are going to need it in this life. (sooner or later)


I think I have the skin already. It's the relaxing part that is oh-so-hard for me. :blush:
 

BlueFlame

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Two weeks ago, I had an atomic bomb blow-out with an INTP close friend of mine. I'm just now starting to recover, but I know I'll carry the wounds with me for a long, long time.

I've been thinking a lot about why I'm so tormented by extreme conflict and broken relationships. I don't know if I've become easy to get along with to avoid the intense pain of discord, or if it causes me extreme pain because I avoid it so often. I'm inclined to believe the former, but maybe there's no cause-effect relationship between the two at all.

The emotions I've felt over the past two weeks have run the gamut from despair to euphoria, but I must say the most prevalent has been GUILT. When a relationship fails, I take responsibility. I *could have* done this. Maybe the fight or collapse wasn't started by me, but I could have diffused the situation because that's what I do best. If I did cause the falling out, there's obviously shame attached to that, and I'm quick to apologize, but there's also a touch of indignance. I'm *always* a good friend to you, and I screw up once, and you have the nerve to be upset? It shatters the underlying sense of pride I have in my peaceful relations with people, I think.
I also see a correlation between idealization and the amount of damage I sustain from discord. If I have my feet on the ground as far as you're concerned, I'll most likely chalk it up to whatever, be mildly annoyed, and get over it. If I idealize you, I suppose on some level I hope you hold me in equally high esteem, and the very fact that you have gotten angry/annoyed with me is a huge blow to my self-esteem.

As far as feeling like there's no chance of salvaging the relationship, I relate to that to a point. I take so much damage from falling-outs (and like you, I'm only talking about big ones), I feel like I have to avoid anything like that at all costs. But, when I do recover, I always try to reconcile. Always. I can't take the discord of alienation any more than aggression. Actually, I'd prefer aggression. I don't necessarily have to return to being close (although I do, more often than not), but the situation has to be diffused so I can at least send a Christmas card every year and know they're happy to receive it. :crazy:

Lame, I know.

Maybe your need for self-preservation is just stronger than your need for harmony? I would definitely like a little more balance in that area.
 

Unkindloving

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Hmm. I don't get along with everyone. Not because it isn't possible for me to, but i prefer to put all of my cards on the table as opposed to appeasing people by default.
The ones who stick around through that are people who i'll let down my guard with and accommodate for. When there's a blowout with them, it is definitely far more intense and resembles how you describe your reactions and the events.

You seem to have trouble here because you're all-encompassing.
I have trouble here because i'm extremely selective.

As with most things, i believe a happy medium can cause the least conflict.
 

SilkRoad

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The emotions I've felt over the past two weeks have run the gamut from despair to euphoria, but I must say the most prevalent has been GUILT. When a relationship fails, I take responsibility. I *could have* done this. Maybe the fight or collapse wasn't started by me, but I could have diffused the situation because that's what I do best. If I did cause the falling out, there's obviously shame attached to that, and I'm quick to apologize, but there's also a touch of indignance. I'm *always* a good friend to you, and I screw up once, and you have the nerve to be upset? It shatters the underlying sense of pride I have in my peaceful relations with people, I think.
I also see a correlation between idealization and the amount of damage I sustain from discord. If I have my feet on the ground as far as you're concerned, I'll most likely chalk it up to whatever, be mildly annoyed, and get over it. If I idealize you, I suppose on some level I hope you hold me in equally high esteem, and the very fact that you have gotten angry/annoyed with me is a huge blow to my self-esteem.

I relate 100% to all of the above. I am really working on only accepting responsibility, shame, etc etc for the mistakes *I* have made and not taking responsibility for the other person's responsibilities, mistakes and issues. This can be hard when you're the kind of person who is inclined to blame oneself too much and to assume that you can always get people to respond nicely through your great interpersonal skills - as I am. Sometimes you just can't, and you've done your best, and it has nothing more to do with you and everything else to do with them, and you need to stop beating yourself up. Your comments about idealizing the person also ring very true.

:hug: Sorry to hear about your unpleasant situation. I really relate to that right now too!
 
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