I relate 100% to all of the above. I am really working on only accepting responsibility, shame, etc etc for the mistakes *I* have made and not taking responsibility for the other person's responsibilities, mistakes and issues. This can be hard when you're the kind of person who is inclined to blame oneself too much and to assume that you can always get people to respond nicely through your great interpersonal skills - as I am. Sometimes you just can't, and you've done your best, and it has nothing more to do with you and everything else to do with them, and you need to stop beating yourself up. Your comments about idealizing the person also ring very true.
Sorry to hear about your unpleasant situation. I really relate to that right now too!
Thanks, SilkRoad. After this experience, I'm really trying to work on the same things, and mostly accept that not everything can be fixed. Sometimes things just go wrong, and instead of taking undue responsibility so that I have a shot at repairing things, sometimes it's just better to let go, and letting go does not equal personal failure.
A very hard lesson.
The joys of NFness, eh?