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  1. #11
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by purplesunset View Post
    But the "getting along with everyone" part might just be an illusion in your head though. You don't know what thoughts about you people might harbor in their hearts even while they greet with a smile on their face.

    Remember that other types, aren't as obsessive about authenticity. On the contrary, lies, and surface appearance create social protocol and are the glue that holds SJ dominant society together.

    I think the reason you hate conflict is because you perceive it as a failure on your part. "I'm so nice. I deserve to get along swimmingly with everyone." This smugness doesn't account for the fact that there are some genuinely evil and destructive people out there who could harbor ill will towards you without any specific cause.

    So whenever the illusion of getting along with everyone is popped via a conflict, it's hard to swallow because your self-esteem which depended on the illusion also took a hit.

    Yeah, I agree about the failure part, actually. I was thinking about this just the other day.

    The illusion part and people secretly hating me...possibly. I'm sure it has probably been true occasionally. But most of the time, I doubt it. I think that when people secretly dislike you, you get to hear about it/find out about it eventually. People talk about you behind your back and someone passes it on to someone who passes it on to you...etc. Sure, there have been occasions in my life where someone has said something not the nicest about me behind my back and it got back to me. But mostly it's been nothing too hideous, and it happens so seldom that unless I'm grandly delusional, or totally wrapped up in my own little world, I tend to think that most people actually do think I'm ok.

    I'm certainly not saying everyone adores me and is my friend...no way. I am saying that most of them probably fall somewhere between being indifferent to me, all the way up to being a very close friend (a minority).

    It is also true that some people are assholes and will go in for the kill if you make the slightest error (however much you may try to fix it) or show weakness of any sort, even if you do your best to resolve the nastiness on your side.

    I'm not going to stop trying to be a "nice person." I think the key is knowing when to be more assertive about your needs. And also not thinking that you have the power to control everyone's reaction just because you're doing your best to get along with them.
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  2. #12
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    I relate to at times taking blowups really hard and brooding over them. Sometimes I feel like I can forgive but never really forget. Really don't want that to poison my relationships, tho. One of the worst things, too, is when a person (with a different personality type typically) reveals something someone said about me to them it can be particularly damaging to me. Maybe in some arrogant way I think I should have guessed that they were having these feelings. It's also annoying that others can lay that information on me without realizing how its going to upset me. I get so disturbed by the fact that people are talking about me behind my back, which I recognize is immature. Part of the reason is that I don't talk about myself a lot (except on this site, lol) to people anyway. Its also hard when I let someone down, I feel like its easier to just drop them then deal with it, and oftentimes I didn't even really do anything that bad. Gotta fight the urge to drop the current imperfect and seek the perfect. It takes work.
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  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Does anyone else find this?

    In a nutshell, due to what people perceive as my easy-going personality (which I would say is a combination of a genuinely easy-going personality, and a somewhat unhealthy ability/habit of keeping all my frustration and annoyance inside and most preserving a calm exterior), I get along extremely well with almost everyone almost all the time. There may be relatively few people Iím very close to (though there are some), but whether youíre a work colleague, or some other casual acquaintance, or a casual friend, or a very close friend Ė it is more than likely that you and I have never had a major disagreement or friction, or if we have, itís really been pretty mild and hasnít lasted long at all.

    Now for the backfiring part. I feel like because things are so smooth most of the time, when someone IS annoyed with me, or when someoneís really hurt me, or I have a major disagreement with someone Ė it destroys me and it may very well destroy the relationship. I am the opposite of people who say ďbecause I have a volatile temper [or because my friends and I all have very different and strong opinions, or whatever], Iíve had many big blow-ups with my friends over the years, and sometimes weíve stopped speaking to each other for extended periods of time, but in the end itís always resolved and weíre the best of friends again.Ē I feel that with rare exceptions, if that sort of thing happens (which of course it very seldom does), the relationship may have no chance of recovering. I'm not talking about minor things, because I really do let those go - sometimes even a little too much!

    Am I making sense? I guess Iím saying that since there isnít usually much conflict in my life, when there is, I take it even more seriously than I should and get so scared and angry and upset that I may just want to stay out of the other personís way for the rest of my life.

    Anyone else find this? How do you deal with it?
    Or maybe you're just so easy to get along with because you find it so hard to get over a conflict.

    Instead of avoiding conflict being a dark side to getting along well with everyone, Perhaps your friendly easy going personality is the bright side to avoiding conflict.

    Ever think of it that way?

  4. #14
    Senior Member Kastor's Avatar
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    This sounds very similar to what I'm going through with a friend right now.
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  5. #15
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SUPER View Post
    Or maybe you're just so easy to get along with because you find it so hard to get over a conflict.

    Instead of avoiding conflict being a dark side to getting along well with everyone, Perhaps your friendly easy going personality is the bright side to avoiding conflict.

    Ever think of it that way?
    Do you mean I try to get along with everyone to defuse (or pre-empt) conflict because I find conflict so hard to take? Yeah, I suppose that's partly true. I guess it can be good and bad. Basically, I just want everyone to get along...maybe I shouldn't over-analyze it
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  6. #16
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    I don't think that this is a dark side of getting along with everyone. I am afraid that this is just unspectalular attempt of fighting your fears.


    I mean ok the person does not like you at the moment but that is not reason enough to suck up everything. Not to mention that many people change their mind with time if you didn't do something really wrong.


    So relax and grow some skin since you are going to need it in this life. (sooner or later)

  7. #17
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antisocial one View Post


    So relax and grow some skin since you are going to need it in this life. (sooner or later)

    I think I have the skin already. It's the relaxing part that is oh-so-hard for me.
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  8. #18
    Senior Member BlueFlame's Avatar
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    Two weeks ago, I had an atomic bomb blow-out with an INTP close friend of mine. I'm just now starting to recover, but I know I'll carry the wounds with me for a long, long time.

    I've been thinking a lot about why I'm so tormented by extreme conflict and broken relationships. I don't know if I've become easy to get along with to avoid the intense pain of discord, or if it causes me extreme pain because I avoid it so often. I'm inclined to believe the former, but maybe there's no cause-effect relationship between the two at all.

    The emotions I've felt over the past two weeks have run the gamut from despair to euphoria, but I must say the most prevalent has been GUILT. When a relationship fails, I take responsibility. I *could have* done this. Maybe the fight or collapse wasn't started by me, but I could have diffused the situation because that's what I do best. If I did cause the falling out, there's obviously shame attached to that, and I'm quick to apologize, but there's also a touch of indignance. I'm *always* a good friend to you, and I screw up once, and you have the nerve to be upset? It shatters the underlying sense of pride I have in my peaceful relations with people, I think.
    I also see a correlation between idealization and the amount of damage I sustain from discord. If I have my feet on the ground as far as you're concerned, I'll most likely chalk it up to whatever, be mildly annoyed, and get over it. If I idealize you, I suppose on some level I hope you hold me in equally high esteem, and the very fact that you have gotten angry/annoyed with me is a huge blow to my self-esteem.

    As far as feeling like there's no chance of salvaging the relationship, I relate to that to a point. I take so much damage from falling-outs (and like you, I'm only talking about big ones), I feel like I have to avoid anything like that at all costs. But, when I do recover, I always try to reconcile. Always. I can't take the discord of alienation any more than aggression. Actually, I'd prefer aggression. I don't necessarily have to return to being close (although I do, more often than not), but the situation has to be diffused so I can at least send a Christmas card every year and know they're happy to receive it. :crazy:

    Lame, I know.

    Maybe your need for self-preservation is just stronger than your need for harmony? I would definitely like a little more balance in that area.

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  9. #19
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Hmm. I don't get along with everyone. Not because it isn't possible for me to, but i prefer to put all of my cards on the table as opposed to appeasing people by default.
    The ones who stick around through that are people who i'll let down my guard with and accommodate for. When there's a blowout with them, it is definitely far more intense and resembles how you describe your reactions and the events.

    You seem to have trouble here because you're all-encompassing.
    I have trouble here because i'm extremely selective.

    As with most things, i believe a happy medium can cause the least conflict.
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  10. #20
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlueFlame View Post

    The emotions I've felt over the past two weeks have run the gamut from despair to euphoria, but I must say the most prevalent has been GUILT. When a relationship fails, I take responsibility. I *could have* done this. Maybe the fight or collapse wasn't started by me, but I could have diffused the situation because that's what I do best. If I did cause the falling out, there's obviously shame attached to that, and I'm quick to apologize, but there's also a touch of indignance. I'm *always* a good friend to you, and I screw up once, and you have the nerve to be upset? It shatters the underlying sense of pride I have in my peaceful relations with people, I think.
    I also see a correlation between idealization and the amount of damage I sustain from discord. If I have my feet on the ground as far as you're concerned, I'll most likely chalk it up to whatever, be mildly annoyed, and get over it. If I idealize you, I suppose on some level I hope you hold me in equally high esteem, and the very fact that you have gotten angry/annoyed with me is a huge blow to my self-esteem.
    I relate 100% to all of the above. I am really working on only accepting responsibility, shame, etc etc for the mistakes *I* have made and not taking responsibility for the other person's responsibilities, mistakes and issues. This can be hard when you're the kind of person who is inclined to blame oneself too much and to assume that you can always get people to respond nicely through your great interpersonal skills - as I am. Sometimes you just can't, and you've done your best, and it has nothing more to do with you and everything else to do with them, and you need to stop beating yourself up. Your comments about idealizing the person also ring very true.

    Sorry to hear about your unpleasant situation. I really relate to that right now too!
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