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  1. #1
    Junior Member mangosandpies's Avatar
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    Default INFJ boy problems.

    i'll start out by saying that two of my best friends are INFJs; the guy is also one of my best friends, but i get shyer around him. i have a way of coaxing out his inner extroversion, but i can never combat his stubbornness. his smile just makes me melt, i guess.

    anyway, so i've liked this guy for a while and he is one of my best friends. he means a lot to me, and i know i mean a lot to him at least as a friend. a couple months ago the topic of us dating came up, and he told me that he didn't want a relationship. the topic came up again recently, and now i'm really confused.

    basically, he has been hurt a lot in the past. his first girlfriend didn't take their relationship seriously, and it was more casual than serious for her, and it was very serious for him. she ended it with essentially no warning and nothing to ease the blow, and he was very hurt for a very long time after their breakup. he made a plan on what he wanted to do with his life, and dated one "distraction" girl after, who he's on really good terms with now.

    he told me that he basically had a plan for his life, and asked me how i would feel about going into that plan....living the places he wants to live, future plans, etc. i basically told him everything that he wanted, and he told me that he knew i was perfect for him. this is where the problem comes in though, because his exgirlfriend contacted him recently and wants to "talk things out," which he obviously fell for.

    he told me that he wasn't sure about what he wants to do and the only conclusive thing he can tell me is that he's sticking with his logic of "not wanting to get hurt" and pursuing relationships when he has a safe environment of getting hurt in; ie, no family problems or other issues to backlash his own problems if he does get hurt. i'm pretty sure he does like me, because i feel like he would've completely debunked the topic otherwise.

    in general, he tends not to initiate this topic too much. i know he thinks about it, but he doesn't seem to initiate much in general with me to hang out, etc. but he doesn't really initiate with anyone, so i don't know. i told him to talk to me about this, and a week later, i had to bring it up.

    so typology kids, i want your opinion; how do i pursue this, what outcomes do you think will come of this, and is this worth holding onto? i mean, i'm probably going to date other guys in the meanwhile while he figures his stuff out, but i'm just really confused as to what he wants, and what's probably going to happen. help!
    ENFJ LOVE.



  2. #2
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    I can just say that you should just be there for him for whatever idea he has or something else; just show him you are willing to support him. Although... he might feel guilty for 'burdening' you with his problems even if he knows you want to help with them.

    Usually it takes a long time to become close to an INFJ anyway. I personally love few people, but for the ones I do, they're stuck in.

    I wish you luck in this whole thing. Even if you don't see progress NOW, just remember to keep at it. Good luck!
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  3. #3
    Member Goodewitch's Avatar
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    It sounds like you're in for a lot of hurt yourslf here OP, afraid to say..
    Look, he's wanting it all his own way, hedging his bets and being very selfish about the whole thing.
    So, he got hurt, boo hoo, we all been hurt, but we dont all start treating people like peices on a chess board, and moving them around for the maximum win for ourselves.
    He's shut his Fe and consideration for others down a bit here. INFJ can become icy when they want their little world to be safe.
    He cant play with your emotions, and keep you dangling by a thread, while he works through the temptation of an old love thats been dangled in his own face.
    I know you like him OP, but he's being very selfish right now, HIS plans HIS moves in HIS time er.. yeah ok.. no.
    You go date others and let him fumble through his own mess.
    This sounds like a guy who will take what he wants and discard when it threatens to upset his little world.
    Dont be a shmuck for this lad. G. x
    My INFJ license is regulary revoked,.. I am a sometime refugee in the INTJ holding centre.

  4. #4
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    i agree with goodewitch. i've been this boy before, and being babied doesn't really help matters. you kind of have to force Fe out into the open, root out the ridiculous assumptions, and contend with the infj on a T level to call him on his shit (and whip him into shape). enfj is great at managing Fe and communicating with infj, but not as great as breaking down the premise that the infj relies on to justify himself. fear isn't a reason for being a jackass when you are forced to open up and realize what you've done (the actual ramifications of your behavior). the process makes you develop more realistic expectations about the world and your own place within it.

  5. #5
    Senior Member mwv6r's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goodewitch View Post
    It sounds like you're in for a lot of hurt yourslf here OP, afraid to say..
    Look, he's wanting it all his own way, hedging his bets and being very selfish about the whole thing.
    So, he got hurt, boo hoo, we all been hurt, but we dont all start treating people like peices on a chess board, and moving them around for the maximum win for ourselves.
    He's shut his Fe and consideration for others down a bit here. INFJ can become icy when they want their little world to be safe.
    He cant play with your emotions, and keep you dangling by a thread, while he works through the temptation of an old love thats been dangled in his own face.
    I know you like him OP, but he's being very selfish right now, HIS plans HIS moves in HIS time er.. yeah ok.. no.
    You go date others and let him fumble through his own mess.
    This sounds like a guy who will take what he wants and discard when it threatens to upset his little world.
    Dont be a shmuck for this lad. G. x

    Very well said, and I totally agree. The one male INFJ that I know IRL can be similarly selfish when it comes to his personal relationships.

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