[Fe] EN-Fe -- A Request for Advice

[TopherRed]

I've had more than one Fi-user lately express to me how much they hate Fe as a dominant function. One of them even accused me of being Te from a feeling angle. thelook: )

When I hear that, I associate it with selfishness, and getting mine at any cost. I know I used to be very selfish. I think I've pushed myself far enough away from that to where I'm comfortable with myself, but sometimes I have to check myself before I wreck myself in the eyes of others.

I'm not asking for a value judgement here, but I need some help recognizing what a good, mature Fe-user looks like. I've never an ENFJ older than me that I considered particularly mature (hell, I only met one, and he was still stuck in the dark-ages of still needing things his way).

Do any of you have any thoughts or experiences that might be helpful?

 

[Glycerine]

Positive, honest, helpful but knows when to back off, doesn't take himself too serious (very humble), knows have to have fun but also knows the boundaries, and possesses a genuine aura. I think I may have had a couple older male ENFJ teachers. They seemed to be wonderful individuals that most students gravitated towards. Not to be creepy but I aspire to possess some of these traits as I mature.

EDIT: Fuzzcrossed, I could totally see you as being described like that from the vibe and presence I get from your posts.

I think Fe can be a wonderful asset in mature individuals so I bet you a million dollars that those Fi-doms have only met average to sub-par Fe users.

 

[onemoretime]

Able to set forth the advice without feeling compelled to make it happen.

 

[Glycerine]

Able to set forth the advice without feeling compelled to make it happen.

And also to not take others' advice as criticism.

 

[Skyward]

There's a lot of threads about ENFJs that you could benefit from like the 'Frustrated ENFJ' thread or some other ones around the NF Idyllic.

 

[TopherRed]

I just feel like sometimes I scare people with Fe. Totally unintentionally. Ironically, the same function that accomplishes this is also the part of my personality that needs people the most; to include me, to care about me.

I feel so...isolated sometimes.

 

[Kasper]

Isn't an ENFJ but the Fe Dom ESFJ I know is:

Friendly, fun to be around, keeps in touch with people and remembers things that are important to them, gets pure enjoyment out of helping others, tries to avoid conflict by confronting differences in an understanding and compassionate way, loves meeting and learning about new people, wants to hear people talk about things that are going on in their life or happened in their past, loves bouncing ideas off others and values all input, is willing to accept differences in others, doesn't think twice before doing some random acts of kindness as she genuinely enjoys other people's happiness, wants to understand so takes her time when other people explain things, committed to personal growth and generally a great big ball of friendly-happy-chatty energy.

Most of all, she's mature.

 

[Gamine]

I just feel like sometimes I scare people with Fe. Totally unintentionally. Ironically, the same function that accomplishes this is also the part of my personality that needs people the most; to include me, to care about me.

I feel so...isolated sometimes.

I think your Fe is warm and honest. I think it comes down to the person and the intentions behind them. You value peace and harmony, and just speaking with you in small chunks it is obvious that you are kind. Not just the gentleness that I person might show with something like Fi, but the kindness that reaches out to others in an Fe way.

Are people mistrusting of it?

 

[21%]

One thing I've learned from Fi users is that sometimes, when you're really down, what you really want to hear is a genuine "I'm so sorry that happened. Would some ice cream help?", and not "That person is totally wrong and mean to you. You should stay way from them from now on."

As an Fe user myself, sometimes I find it hard not to try to 'fix' things. I think the trick is trying to figure out whether they need advice or empathy at the moment. If it's empathy they need, advice would only make them feel worse about themselves.

 

[JoSunshine]

^ True. I think this is good advice when dealing with most people, not just Fi users. Add an, "Is there anything I can do to help?" and then find out what the person's needs are and then give them what they need (a listening ear and validation) instead of what you think they should have (e.g. copious advice). Good insight 21%.

 

[TopherRed]

A big genuine group hug for everyone who's commented, I really appreciate your help sorting this out with me.

I think your Fe is warm and honest. I think it comes down to the person and the intentions behind them. You value peace and harmony, and just speaking with you in small chunks it is obvious that you are kind. Not just the gentleness that I person might show with something like Fi, but the kindness that reaches out to others in an Fe way.

Are people mistrusting of it?

Um...well I think there are times where my Fe comes through too loudly for people, and I sound like I care way too much about someone (not just women; anyone going through a rough spot), and so sometimes I think I become associated with the group's problem-children without ever intending to be. I don't consider that in itself a negative trait, but I do have problems with "overcare" sometimes.

My second issue would be my thin skin. I hide my negative emotions like the plague because very few people can understand why I would be so bothered by some things. People still read me though. I come off as brooding when I don't want to be. I think this might be a detractor from my preceived popularity. I really just want to co-exist and "play well with others", but the truth is, the only difference between a Fe-dom and an Fi-dom in this case is that I can wear a mask for a time, and the Fi-doms can't.

The last thing I can think of has been discussed below...

One thing I've learned from Fi users is that sometimes, when you're really down, what you really want to hear is a genuine "I'm so sorry that happened. Would some ice cream help?", and not "That person is totally wrong and mean to you. You should stay way from them from now on."

As an Fe user myself, sometimes I find it hard not to try to 'fix' things. I think the trick is trying to figure out whether they need advice or empathy at the moment. If it's empathy they need, advice would only make them feel worse about themselves.

...though I've become a good listener through practice and trial/error, I still have a strong urge to fix things. I rarely get the opportunity. I become deeply upset about personnel problems within a group (when it's not my position or place to take care of them), and maybe I open my mouth a little too often. I've got a reputation for being a cynic. People think I'm bitter. But I think it's just taken me this long to realize I don't need to involve myself in the problems of a given community to be a good part of it.

If y'all have any other thoughts, I'd be happy to hear them. I just get tired, because I realize I'm the reason why I'm left out in the cold sometimes, but I also think over time my problems will lessen more as they have over the course of the last 24 years, and I gain better control over Fe and learn how to deal with people better.

--Fuzzy

 

[nynesneg]

Um...well I think there are times where my Fe comes through too loudly for people, and I sound like I care way too much about someone (not just women; anyone going through a rough spot), and so sometimes I think I become associated with the group's problem-children without ever intending to be. I don't consider that in itself a negative trait, but I do have problems with "overcare" sometimes.

Yeah I do this. I think it boils down to the ENFJ definition of how truly connecting with people is so meaningful/important to us.

If you see someone going through something you can relate/empathize with, you can't resist but go over and just them. You can *feel* what they are going through, even when the people around write them off on the surface as being negative etc. My friend called me a mind hippie. lol. The downside about having such a depth of caring/understanding people, is sometimes it seems they become dependent and gravitate because you make them feel better and understood.

Then if they are doing something which is actually pretty bad, I have a hard time coming to a realization maybe I shouldn't be their friend as much. I tell myself I'm being too judgmental (because I have ridiculously high standards with everyone) and they're having human feelings like anyone else, just in a bad situation.

 

[Wonkavision]

I've had more than one Fi-user lately express to me how much they hate Fe as a dominant function. One of them even accused me of being Te from a feeling angle. thelook: )