[NF] INFxs: how cautious are you when first dating?

[istar11]

Hi there,

This issue is really eating me up lately. I was just wondering if any other NFs have had similar issues as this. I'm not too experienced with dating, so any advice would be much appreciated.

I've had girls at school and work show some sort of romantic interest in me initially, and I am very nice and polite to them when they do. However, I am very cautious about which women to associate with because I have had some bad experiences in the past. I usually like to get to know them a little more first in the school setting or workplace before asking them out on an actual date, or to hang out outside of the familiar setting. Even if I do go on one or more dates, however, it still takes me some time to decide that I would like to be with someone (more intimately i suppose). The problem is, I think what often ends up happening is that the girl thinks I'm not interested in her, or that I was "playing her" or something.

But this is not true. On the contrary, I`m actually spending more time learning about her, assessing her value systems, and deciding about how we would be together as a couple. I am looking for a long-term, loving relationship, so it`s important for me to get the right person. I never reject these people, but I rarely if ever fall for someone immediately.

As time goes on, the girl actually starts to HATE me. She ignores me, and may even say something bad about me to her friends. It`s really quite hurtful, actually. This has happened about half a dozen times over the last couple of years.

Specifically, this usually happens with introverted, feeling, and judging types. The one relationship that was broken off mutually where we remained friends was with another INFP. Any time I deal with SJ type of women, they all have these "rules" in their head about what a man is "supposed" to be like when dating, otherwise they don't think they're being treated properly and with dignity. I like to let relationships happen naturally and develop on their own, even if it takes a while to do so. So it hurts me when I lose a potentially great connection with someone because she misinterpreted my level of interest. Maybe this is just typical of many S and N conflicts when communicating.

My question is, I guess, this:

How much time do other NFs need before they want to get intimate with someone? Am I being overly cautious? Please tell me I`m not completely alone here...

 

[magpie]

I don't know, I've never been in a relationship. What I have experienced with people is that they literally go from meeting you for the first time to wanting to hook up without any sort of time period inbetween to get to know you, or for you to get to know them. I would really appreciate what you're doing and the time you're taking.

 

[istar11]

they literally go from meeting you for the first time to wanting to hook up without any sort of time period inbetween to get to know you.

Exactly.

I also believe that women who come in fast also go out fast, and I don`t want to waste my emotional energy and get my hopes up for something that isn`t real.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I've had girls at school and work show some sort of romantic interest in me initially, and I am very nice and polite to them when they do. However, I am very cautious about which women to associate with because I have had some bad experiences in the past. I usually like to get to know them a little more first in the school setting or workplace before asking them out on an actual date, or to hang out outside of the familiar setting. Even if I do go on one or more dates, however, it still takes me some time to decide that I would like to be with someone (more intimately i suppose). The problem is, I think what often ends up happening is that the girl thinks I'm not interested in her, or that I was "playing her" or something.

I do like to observe someone a bit in a more casual, everyday, no pressure setting. Dating can give people expectations, when ideally it is just hanging out and getting to know someone with the mutually understood possibility of more.

However, I like to know where I stand with someone, and if a guy is sending mixed signals, I may get annoyed. You have to realize that many men do seek out casual flings, and as a woman, you have to be alert to that. I don't want a casual fling, so if a guy seems to show interest in me, but no interest in a relationship, alarms go off. I may just see him as a flirt.

You have to be careful not to string people along and give them false hope, basically. These women may have felt they sent you a clear message of romantic interest, and your response told them one thing, but your behavior may have said another. It's important to make your intentions clear and to keep your behavior consistent with what you say. You could possibly say you are open to dating in the future, but would like to be friends for now and get to know each other without the pressure of romance. Communicating usually clears up these issues. It will also let her know you are not just toying with her feelings, trying to get in her pants, etc.

However, sometimes you also have to seize the moment! If a woman is interested in you and you return the interest, it's good to explore the possibility by dating. That's the purpose of dating.... to see if the person is someone you'd want a relationship with.

You might suggest hanging out in small group to keep it low pressure and to observe before deciding to interact one-on-one through a date. If you're already in the same social circle, that makes it easier.

But this is not true. On the contrary, I`m actually spending more time learning about her, assessing her value systems, and deciding about how we would be together as a couple. I am looking for a long-term, loving relationship, so it`s important for me to get the right person. I never reject these people, but I rarely if ever fall for someone immediately.

Getting to know someone is what I think dating is for. I just see it as a casual way to assess if you are compatible and if there is a "more than friends" spark, not any kind of commitment. It doesn't make you a couple to date someone, unless you've agreed to be exclusive.

I'm always clear about physical stuff also....it's not going to happen right away. If a guy has a problem with that, he can move along.

The one relationship that was broken off mutually where we remained friends was with another INFP.

Personally, I have little interest in remaining friends with someone I have dated. Usually, there is still some attraction from one person (even if just physical), and it makes it harder to move on, and it can be messy when you do get into a relationship with someone else. The exception is if you were very good friends before you dated; and by very good, I mean the friendship was established for years without any romantic motives to begin with. This isn't a rule, it's just my experience and feeling on the issue.

I like to let relationships happen naturally and develop on their own, even if it takes a while to do so. So it hurts me when I lose a potentially great connection with someone because she misinterpreted my level of interest.

This is ideal, but not realistic. As I said above, it's easy to mislead people, so communication is important. Dragging your feet can also make you miss out on opportunities. It doesn't mean forcing a relationship, but recognizing that people's feelings are involved, and that being open and clear in your intentions is important to avoid hurting people and giving the wrong impression.

 

[istar11]

This is ideal, but not realistic. As I said above, it's easy to mislead people, so communication is important. Dragging your feet can also make you miss out on opportunities. It doesn't mean forcing a relationship, but recognizing that people's feelings are involved, and that being open and clear in your intentions is important to avoid hurting people and giving the wrong impression.

I think this is exactly what I should have done all along. It always does seem like forcing a relationship to me, I guess. But I need to get over that, and be upfront about my intentions and how I feel about someone who`s interested in me. I often don`t realize how easy it is to mislead people. Some of these girls probably waited around for something they thought would happen that never did. Maybe they got their hopes up, and maybe they even passed up on opportunities to see other men in the process. Maybe they thought I was dating other girls the whole time, keeping them in "reserve" in case things went wrong, i dunno...But you're right, it's easy to mislead people. Nobody's a mind reader.

thanks for the advice, it actually REALLY helped. you should be a counselllor!

 

[purplesunset]

thanks for the advice, it actually REALLY helped. you should be a counselllor!

Oh boy, more food for her ego...

 

[OrangeAppled]

Oh boy, more food for her ego...

My poor little ego needs it

 

[Skyward]

I think the toughest thing for me is having fear of commitment. I over think and then the doubts creep in. Things like 'But she's X and I'm more Y' and similar things kind of ruin the attraction.

I always thought 'dating' basically meant being exclusive. I wouldn't start using that word until both the girl and I have gotten to know and become comfortable with each other.

It's really awkward for me to find the words to express interest. I don't want to be super overt and send them reeling. Maybe if I find an ENTP girl I'll need to say 'Yo grl, wana b bf gf?'

I have really no idea how to take it from friendship to something more, ESPECIALLY if I don't know if the girl in question is interested in me. Again, I'm very uncomfortable using straight language in these things.