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  1. #11
    Ginkgo
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sky is BLUE! View Post
    I have noticed this with myself as well. But now I'm wondering whether it's because of acceptance or giving up.
    [YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xLsRI7-hBs"]Lowered Expectations[/YOUTUBE]

  2. #12
    Member eternal recurrence's Avatar
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    lowered expectations is one of the only sketches from MAD tv i remember - amazing.

    Anyways, in terms of this thread, I meant not so much romantic love in particular, but also just friendship and work and even the urban or rural place you choose to live.

    My thought was that perhaps this idealism ends in a constant moving (physically moving) from place to place.

  3. #13
    Senior Member hokie912's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly View Post
    I think I've ended up being disappointed with every person I've met. I want every relationship to be meaniningful and deep, I don't just want somebody to hang around with, to pass the time with, to be with just for the sake of it and so I don't have to be alone. But in order to have that I would totally have to open myself up..and so would the other person. A relationship can't be deep and meaningful if you don't get down to the complicated and perhaps uncomfortbale stuff. But you can't have this with every person, you're lucky if you find this with just one person. A lot of people don't want that...and don't need it. I agree with the previous posts, and especially this quote: "there is no road to happiness, happiness is the road".

    I've never had this deep and meaningful connection with anyone. I'm beginning to doubt whether it exists. Being as blindly idealistic as I am I often have to ask myself...how much of this is real and how much did I make up and idealise inside my own head? Are these expectations of relationships even realistic? Are these relationships actually that meaningless, or is it that they don't live up to my high and stupidly idealistic standards?

    I know that the perfect relationship doesn't exist. Yet I'm constantly pursuing it
    I can somewhat relate to this. Not to being disappointed with every person I meet -- and perhaps that's because I've been fortunate to meet and befriend a few people with whom I really connect -- but with always wanting a relationship to be really deep and meaningful. I'm starting to understand that some people aren't built for that, accept my friendships for what they are, and appreciate what they can still bring to my life.

    The big place where this struggle manifests in my life is in terms of romantic relationships. I've never experienced the sort of romantic chemistry and sense of really connecting with someone, even when I feel like I've really opened myself up to looking for it, and at this point anything less than that feels like settling. I've dated, but I haven't found that yet. Curses to idealism! But the thing is, I don't ever want to get complacent about it, because that seems to be when people end up in relationships for the wrong reasons.

    As to the OP, I definitely can relate to what you wrote about constantly searching for something in life. I'm always looking one step ahead of where I am now: what I'll be doing, where I'll be living, etc. And I've noticed that if the future seems closed off or my goals seem out of reach for whatever reason, it's kind of anxiety-provoking for me. I agree that it's problematic in some cases because while I'm looking ahead, I've let some present opportunities and practical considerations pass by.

  4. #14
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    I really don't think this is an INFJ thing. (Unless of course I am actually INFJ, I tested as INFJ on the cognitiveprocesses survey, which I fear may be more accurate than most).

    But anyway, I experience a similar thing as what you describe. I am constantly trying to search for a community of people that can understand me, the kind of music that I write, and the kind of narratives I construct in my head about my own life and my place in the world. I need people to share my sense of humour and my value systems, and more often than not I never meet anyone in any place that meets those expectations. I have bounced around from school program to program, from job to job, not finding what I'm looking for. I feel perpetually "lost," with no identity, and no one to deeply share my own feelings about the world.

    So..because of this, right now I am definitely searching. I'm all over the place, my rental history and resume are both a complete mess, and I've yet to be loved in a relationship. I'm also addicted to taking personality tests because I keep getting different results. In a sense, the physical searching is like a big personality tests. I want to know how I react to different people, and different places, and different situations. THen maybe I'll have a better understanding of myself. So yes, the search goes on...

  5. #15
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by eternal recurrence View Post
    lowered expectations is one of the only sketches from MAD tv i remember - amazing.

    Anyways, in terms of this thread, I meant not so much romantic love in particular, but also just friendship and work and even the urban or rural place you choose to live.

    My thought was that perhaps this idealism ends in a constant moving (physically moving) from place to place.
    Well, it is difficult with me because I am soo grounded on the one hand, with a wonderful family; and am lucky enough to have found a beautiful place to live adjacent to woods and game trails which give me unlimited hiking in summer, and space in winter.......yet

    I do feel the urge (when things are going less than smooth romantically or friendship-wise) to just walk off down my driveway and keep walking--around the world! These thoughts pervade me until they are a deep yearning. I also feel the more acute urge to get on an effing plane (by myself!) and just go somewhere, anywhere, for a few weeks. But no matter how much I try to fool myself into thinking this would just be a break from life, I know the truth behind the inclination, and that is so that I can meet someone else!! Maybe that perfect person/soul mate/friend/whatever is just waiting beyond the horizon.............sometimes it's a difficult feeling to squelch.

    The weird thing is that....I have plenty here! And I'm trying to work through those feelings of desiring the ultimate friendship/intuitive connection/whatever. Is that really even infj? Perhaps the moving around part is? But I think we probably ALL want more than we have. And always wanting more might be the only thing keeping us from having more.
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  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by hokie912 View Post
    The big place where this struggle manifests in my life is in terms of romantic relationships. I've never experienced the sort of romantic chemistry and sense of really connecting with someone, even when I feel like I've really opened myself up to looking for it, and at this point anything less than that feels like settling. I've dated, but I haven't found that yet. Curses to idealism! But the thing is, I don't ever want to get complacent about it, because that seems to be when people end up in relationships for the wrong reasons.


    My thing is that I *have* felt that I have met a few people I've really connected with - really deeply, and really sensed great possibilities as far as longterm romance/relationship goes, but they have never been emotionally available or desirous of exploring that. I guess one could argue they were 'just not that into me' (which is a possibility), but at the same time I *know* they really liked me and cared for me. I don't know if it was fear, or selfishness, or self-protection, or what..any number of reasons. Just has never lined up for me - both people in the same place at the same time, both attracted, similar life goals, etc etc. Ah well. I associate romance/chemistry with bittersweetness. I have it in small doses that don't ever go anywhere.

    As to the OP, I definitely can relate to what you wrote about constantly searching for something in life. I'm always looking one step ahead of where I am now: what I'll be doing, where I'll be living, etc. And I've noticed that if the future seems closed off or my goals seem out of reach for whatever reason, it's kind of anxiety-provoking for me. I agree that it's problematic in some cases because while I'm looking ahead, I've let some present opportunities and practical considerations pass by.
    Agree again!

    I do think in recent years I have been able to embrace the moment more, and make the most of things and situations, and not miss opportunities that come up, but I also despair at times because I know, given my personality, that I'm someone who also needs purpose, and something I am moving/aiming towards. I can't just float along, day in and day out -- I need to be heading towards something. And in times when I haven't yet come up with that 'something', I am stressed or unhappy.

    I've also realized that every 2-3 years I tend to hit stagnation -- not enough newness in my life, not enough growth, things just become too predictable and repetitive. So I have to then come up with a new 'challenge' or goal or purpose. Maybe 6 years ago I became depressed about this aspect of myself -- I went too far into the future and became incredibly *weary* about the prospect of an entire life - decades - of having to constantly find newness every 2-3 yrs. I just wanted to give up at the thought of decades of this pattern. Well, yeah. I guess I've gotten over a lot of that weariness and being upset about it, and just accepted this aspect of myself that will never change. The acceptance required being able to live more in the present - or try to - and enjoy the small things out of life. And to just try not to take all of it so seriously - treat Life as an Adventure. Try to let go more.

    I do worry at times though that at some point I won't be able to come up with a new, creative solution out of any stagnant point I reach - as I always need something new; a new answer. What if I eventually run out of solutions?

    But too, I also hold a small amount of hope that eventually this whole trend will lessen, that eventually I'll find my groove and really find a purpose/'point' that is fulfilling for longer than 2 years. And honestly I do think I'm heading in the right direction, and things are getting better over time as I learn more about life and myself and how I fit into everything.

    I think there is also an element involved that requires you to change your perception a bit on this whole thing called Life -- and that eases the burden of a lot of what might cause INFJ's problems. Tweaking your viewpoint, focus, etc, as a means to be either less hard on yourself, on others, or getting less up in arms/bogged down about what exactly Life and the nature of relationships is about.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  7. #17
    Sniffles
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    Yeah I often have that sense of being a perpetual nomad, both spiritually and physically. :-/

  8. #18
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    Hmmm interesting stuff, I guess its Ni

  9. #19
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    Could be JJ.

  10. #20
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    Probably is, I feel that way too but not so much about relationships and people, I guess for INFJs it would be.

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