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  1. #1
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Default Not being NF is not enough of an excuse

    I just don't get how oblivious a lot of people seem to be to the feelings of others. How can you say/do certain types of things and not understand, or suspect, that you're hurting the other person? I know NFs are supposed to be hyper-sensitive to this kind of thing and we're supposed to have a natural advantage...but I don't know that this is even all that type-related. If you have that big of a blind spot to other people's feelings or the types of things that are likely to hurt, you've got a problem - most likely that you just don't care that much about anyone's feelings except your own. Apparently even saying "sorry if that came across as insensitive" is too damn hard for so many people.

    Hm, I'm not having a good week...
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  2. #2
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I just don't get how oblivious a lot of people seem to be to the feelings of others. How can you say/do certain types of things and not understand, or suspect, that you're hurting the other person? I know NFs are supposed to be hyper-sensitive to this kind of thing and we're supposed to have a natural advantage...but I don't know that this is even all that type-related. If you have that big of a blind spot to other people's feelings or the types of things that are likely to hurt, you've got a problem - most likely that you just don't care that much about anyone's feelings except your own. Apparently even saying "sorry if that came across as insensitive" is too damn hard for so many people.

    Hm, I'm not having a good week...
    I love it when 'they' can nitpick your every sentence in a rude manner, but when you call them out on feelings, or being rude, they say, "Oh, NF, stop Projecting your feelings on to me!"

    There are some salvagable types, even NTs. I think it's also a problem on here because there are, I believe, a large number of younger members; i.e. not enough time to develop some Fe, especially if they've not had much accountability in their families growing up.

    Sorry about your week. Hope it gets better!
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  3. #3
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    You need a tazer. A big pink tazer with a smiley face on it that squirts perfume and marshmellows shaped like kittens. Then, people might listen.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  4. #4
    Senior Member Bri's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Hm, I'm not having a good week...
    I hope it gets better!

  5. #5
    Not Your Therapist Sinmara's Avatar
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    Heh, I'm probably one of those people you're talking about. We don't think we're being rude, we think you're being overly sensitive. We don't say "sorry if that came across as insensitive" because we don't think we were being insensitive. Kind of impossible to apologize if you're not aware that you need to.

    This will probably sound callous to you, but I'm not interested in the feelings of strangers or acquaintances. I say what I'm going to say and just because it upsets you doesn't mean that you didn't need to hear it. The only feelings I'm interested in are that of the people in my inner circle because they've proven that they're worth the stress it puts on me. I don't see why I should put forth the effort of trying to care about absolutely everybody because dealing with the feelings of other people can be incredibly draining for me and can leave me feeling empty if I've given too much. And yes, this extends even to what you might consider common courtesy. If I had to stop and analyze my actions and look at it from the perspective of every single person I encounter on a given day, I'd be exhausted.

    Speaking solely for xSTPs, we can be a bit emotionally retarded at times -- yes, it is a type thing for us. The best way to deal with us is to point out what we've done and why it affected you badly in a blunt and rational way. If you fire back with an emotional response, we're likely to slap the "drama queen" label on you and not think of what you say. If we don't know we're being too crass or harsh, we won't know that we need to apologize.

    I don't know what upset you specifically, but that's how to deal with the xSTPs when we do it to you.

  6. #6
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
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    You just got to take everything in stride. I pretty much anticipate people not to show the warm and fuzzy attitude (it goes with being from NY). Think of whose opinion is important... your close friends and family.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Johari/Nohari

    “Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche




  7. #7
    Senior Member Bri's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pettycure View Post
    And yes, this extends even to what you might consider common courtesy. If I had to stop and analyze my actions and look at it from the perspective of every single person I encounter on a given day, I'd be exhausted.
    Sooo... why exactly can't you adapt a sort of universal 'polite' behavior for dealing with people you do not know personally? Why would you need to analyze everyone individually? I'm not talking about your friends or coworkers, they can be exhausting (however, the pay-off for treating them well is good), but treating the random cashier at your grocery store with civility shouldn't be too hard...

  8. #8
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    Default

    I hope your week gets better. It's easy to be overly sensitive to some of the stuff said here when things are going wrong IRL. At those times it's often best to avoid heavy debates or places where you know from experience people are likely to get nasty.

    Being insensitive is not the same thing as being cruel, though. Most people - including NFs - are oblivious or insensitive in various situations. The F who complains about how rude people are on the Internet is equally as likely to act like a self-righteous boor to a sales person IRL. I don't fall for people's self-congratulatory bullshit, anymore, including my own - and that's only come with age and life experience.

    Just like young NTs can be incredibly rude, young NFs can delude themselves into actually believing they're "nicer" than other people. I'm not saying you're doing that, I'm just blabbering at this point.

    What I'm actually trying to say is that people misunderstand each other's communication styles all of the time, and only rarely is it intentional cruelty.


  9. #9
    Not Your Therapist Sinmara's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bri View Post
    Sooo... why exactly can't you adapt a sort of universal 'polite' behavior for dealing with people you do not know personally? Why would you need to analyze everyone individually? I'm not talking about your friends or coworkers, they can be exhausting (however, the pay-off for treating them well is good), but treating the random cashier at your grocery store with civility shouldn't be too hard...
    Oh, I treat everyone civilly. We're generally a polite breed and we understand that good manners get you everywhere. But if you're dealing with us more extensively, our bluntness is likeky to shine through and we can sometimes step on toes if we're not very self-aware of our words.

  10. #10
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    If I am in a full-on task oriented mode, the only feelings I am concerned about are those that if realized would result in a misdemeanor or felony.

    Other than that I am really nice.
    --------------------
    Type Stats:
    MBTI -> (E) 77.14% | (i) 22.86% ; (S) 60% | (n) 40% ; (T) 72.22% | (f) 27.78% ; (P) 51.43% | (j) 48.57%
    BIG 5 -> Extroversion 77% ; Accommodation 60% ; Orderliness 62% ; Emotional Stability 64% ; Open Mindedness 74%

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