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  1. #51
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post


    I really really wish that all NFs would realize this!

    A lot of the time I don't hang out with strong feelers because it's exhausting to have to tiptoe through the minefield and to FORCE myself to think "will this be construed as offensive?" before speaking when I'm not even used to thinking before speaking!

    I mean, I try, but too much time with someone who's super touchy will always leave me running off to hide and calling my ESTJ best friend to bitch (she does the same to me)

    My sis and I had this argument over the holidays- she got mad at me for some comment that I'd made because she misconstued it and took it personally- she yelled at me and I didn't even realize I'd done anything wrong!
    I have an INTP brother and an ISTP sister. My feelings were burnt to a crisp by 18.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
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  2. #52
    man-made neptunesnet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pettycure View Post
    Heh, I'm probably one of those people you're talking about. We don't think we're being rude, we think you're being overly sensitive. We don't say "sorry if that came across as insensitive" because we don't think we were being insensitive. Kind of impossible to apologize if you're not aware that you need to.
    You know it's really as simple as "if you don't consider our feelings, we won't consider your thoughts." I was trying desperately to explain this to an TP on this forum, but he didn't really get it.



    *Yes, I did a no-no. I haven't read the entire thread.

  3. #53
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by neptunesnet View Post
    You know it's really as simple as "if you don't consider our feelings, we won't consider your thoughts." I was trying desperately to explain this to a TP on this forum, but he didn't really get it.



    *Yes, I did a no-no. I haven't read the entire thread.
    Well Pettycure also went to say that she has a good bit of common courtesy... that's considerate enough right? It's not as if they are TRYING not to consider your feelings...

    Most __TPs need some sort of Fe like display to do Fi. "So they reacted this way, maybe I should/shouldn't do that again." Even if they way you react is subtle, like changing the subject or getting defensive etc. That's usually enough of an Fe signal for an E_TP. I personally try to indirectly let people know not to do a certain thing again if it really irks me.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  4. #54
    man-made neptunesnet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    Well Pettycure also went to say that she has a good bit of common courtesy... that's considerate enough right? It's not as if they are TRYING not to consider your feelings...
    I was speaking generally and from my own experience. I just quoted that part of her post because I'd heard that expressed from several other TPs that I know irl who aren't considerate. It didn't have much to do with Pettycure - I apologize that wasn't clear.

    Additionally, it does become daunting when we feel we've been offended - whether or not the person meant to - and he doesn't think that he has and insists he hasn't offended you because he doesn't see what's offensive about what he said/did, which is what I was hinting at (again, not directed at Pettycure).

    Most __TPs need some sort of Fe like display to do Fi. "So they reacted this way, maybe I should/shouldn't do that again." Even if they way you react is subtle, like changing the subject or getting defensive etc. That's usually enough of an Fe signal for an E_TP. I personally try to indirectly let people know not to do a certain thing again if it really irks me.
    In the past I wouldn't tell people when they'd offended me. I'd just keep it moving and make a note to stop communicating on a personal level with that person, which wasn't exactly fair to him/her. Now I've become much more direct about it. For the most part, they still don't care, and I'm still being called overly sensitive.

    My point: I don't really understand why Feelers have to be the only ones to adjust here.

  5. #55
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by neptunesnet View Post
    My point: I don't really understand why Feelers have to be the only ones to adjust here.
    This is what annoys me also. It's like, "suck it up and deal with it because that's the way I am". Why no adjustment on their end? It works both ways.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  6. #56
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    This is what annoys me also. It's like, "suck it up and deal with it because that's the way I am". Why no adjustment on their end? It works both ways.
    I don't honestly think I've had this happen to me... usually in my interactions with Ts we adjust both ways. I can't really think of any instance where that hasn't happened with one of them who I liked.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  7. #57
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    I suck at this to be honest.

    The main reason why I can hurt a person is because I will not give emotional support when needed. Instead I will try to create a plan to help the person. What usually end with a mess.
    I can't even remember how many times I have made this mistake.


    Also there wasn't a ExFJ that knows me that wasn't scared at least a little bit by my deficit of Fe and how blunt I can be with people.


    However just like Whatever I don't have intentions to harm people it is just I try to help people on different way than most. Also becuse of Ni I can give them multiple perspective of the problem what people often take as criticism or disrespect, especially since I don't get too excited in the process.

  8. #58
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antisocial one View Post
    I suck at this to be honest.

    The main reason why I can hurt a person is because I will not give emotional support when needed. Instead I will try to create a plan to help the person. What usually end with a mess.
    I can't even remember how many times I have made this mistake.
    Everyone is guilty of this. The main difference may be the manner in giving unwanted advice, but I can't think of anyone who has not made this error (myself included). Think of how much easier it is to just listen, and you actually get more credit for being a good friend, muwhahaha

    However just like Whatever I don't have intentions to harm people it is just I try to help people on different way than most. Also becuse of Ni I can give them multiple perspective of the problem what people often take as criticism or disrespect, especially since I don't get too excited in the process.
    This can be really helpful actually, if you just let the person steam a bit, don't criticize their feelings, and explore with questions before assuming you know what they need. I know for me, I often need a unique perspective, not trite & oversimple advice.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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  9. #59
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Everyone is guilty of this. The main difference may be the manner in giving unwanted advice, but I can't think of anyone who has not made this error (myself included). Think of how much easier it is to just listen, and you actually get more credit for being a good friend, muwhahaha



    This can be really helpful actually, if you just let the person steam a bit, don't criticize their feelings, and explore with questions before assuming you know what they need. I know for me, I often need a unique perspective, not trite & oversimple advice.


    1. I know, it is just that I think that I do this more often than most people. The problem is that as a strong NTJ I automaticly go to problem solving mode unless the person is completely in tears or obviously hurt.


    2. Well I just have the problem with sounding like I really care. What can be a real trust braker sometimes. (even if I do care)
    I mean I have a really low Fe so I have a problem with showing emotions to others. Even if Fi is activated.

  10. #60
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    ^ Antisocial, I can relate a lot with what you are saying.. It's hard to see a situation, and a solution, and not try to urge someone that way as the way of giving support. "I am supporting.. Look at this plan I've come up with for you!" It's very easy to get tunnel-vision with this classic. Even if it is someone you're emotionally attached to, it hurts to watch someone suffer and KNOW that there is a way to avoid it if they would just DO it already!!!!

    ... But the flip side of that is no one likes to be told what to do. People want to handle things THEIR way, the way that makes them the most comfortable. Which is why this sort of "support" always ends up being less than.


    I will mention that, on the flip side of the "NFs are draining" thing.. sometimes people judge me too quickly, or disregard me based on my emotional content.. something I don't think should be invalidated. A lot of times, it is like walking on eggshells especially with non-emotional people.

    To give an example, a lot of times I have to "submit" to a conversation type, or avoid something altogether, because there's a sense of power struggle at play. Someone who prides themselves on logics don't like their logics to be challenged, and so I'm stuck being the humble, humility-oriented person all the time.. because either way it turns out bad for me. If I'm silent, yes I'm always a bit resentful that they're so stubborn they can't see they're hurting me.. but the only other way it ever goes is if I'm stubborn on it as well, which leads to arguing, which only leads to an "emotional outburst" that drives them further away.

    Just trying to show another perspective to the draining aspect. It always goes both ways.
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