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  1. #1
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Default xNFP's, would you find this rude?

    Looking to hear from both INFP's and ENFP's.

    Lets say you are 18 going on 19, you have been living with an older sibling for over a year. During this time you have not been in a position to provide for yourself, which means you have been relying on this sibling for food, clothing, shelter, spending money etc. Even though this sibling has 3 children already and is struggling to make ends meet anyway.

    Not only that, but for that entire year your efforts to get a job or make some kind of plan for the future has been next to non existant or minimal at best.

    This older sibling cracks and tells you:

    1 - You have 3 months to show an improvement in regards to trying to get a job, ie a visual change or you are out.

    2 - When you get that job, you need to provide some money towards your share of things instead of relying on the sibling anymore.

    3 - You have 6 months from getting the job to move out.


    Is this rude?

    Would you feel offended or would you honestly understand the motivating factors and forgive me for being "harsh"?

    Is there a better way to approach this?

    I have tried being silently supportive, but that has led to a year of mooching off of me with no effort to improve.

    I feel like being nice is only making things worse.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  2. #2
    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
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    I'm not an xNFP, but.. I'm an INTP and I'm telling you it's not rude. You need the objective answer; your approach sounds great. The 3 things you listed are completely reasonable. Especially when it's sibling-sibling caretaking, he should be embarrassed for not stepping up sooner.

    Would he be on the street initially if you kicked him out? Or would he probably panic and try and work before it came to that? I'm assuming it's a guy... don't put a girl on the street.

  3. #3
    Boring old fossil Night's Avatar
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    Yeah. Not an xNFP, but your approach is more than reasonable. Virtue of bloodline does not shackle you into servitude; your younger sibling needs to grow up.

    Not that their reluctance is necessarily indicative of a wider pattern of dysfunction, either - your sibling is pretty young. 18 or 19 is still an adolescent. It's going to be challenging for someone in that age range to conceptualize how their behavior influences others - especially family.

    Best of luck.

  4. #4
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Oh, I do think they are reasonable myself, but I was more worried about how it would be taken. I don't want him to feel rejected in anyway as that's not my intention, but as you said, there should be at least some sort of embarrassment for not stepping up sooner.

    I'm also not sure how much help there is, he is between 18-25 and the local housing council are the least helpful for young men between that age bracket. Maybe he could get a room at the local YMCA or another hostel, but there is a risk he could end up homeless which is why I am so reluctant to go through with this threat.

    Girls get more help, so if it was a sister thing, and I have had a sister staying with me before, it's a hell of alot easier to ensure they get a place to move safely to.

    I just don't see any other options, I can not improve the living conditions in this house for my own children whilst he is here, unless he starts working.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  5. #5
    Boring old fossil Night's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    I just don't see any other options, I can not improve the living conditions in this house for my own children whilst he is here, unless he starts working.
    Here's your solution.

    There's no justifiable reason for him to not contribute.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Eckhart's Avatar
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    Well, I can imagine that the person who is being told that might react as if (s)he was hurt first, but it certainly is not a rude approach, and it is totally understandable that you would act like that.

    However, I think the person will understand you after some time, even if you have to put some pressure. Make sure though that it is understood as you mean it as you say, it can end bad when the person does not take the words serious.

    It is a good approach I think, since you don't say "GTFO instanty", but give an adequate time limit for at least showing effort in changing something in life.

    However, if you notice that (s)he does not change anything after your approach, you should maybe confront and ask why (s)he acts like that. I believe often there is more reasons behind something like that other than just being lazy. Of course, 18/19 is quite a young age too, but when I would live with some sibling in a household with own children, I would want to leave as soon as possible too. It is different to living with parents.

  7. #7
    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Maybe he could get a room at the local YMCA or another hostel, but there is a risk he could end up homeless which is why I am so reluctant to go through with this threat.
    Well as long as you convince him that you'll go through with it - you should get the same results, whether deep down you think you'll wimp out or not. Bring out that ENTJness.

  8. #8
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Night View Post
    Here's your solution.

    There's no justifiable reason for him to not contribute.
    Oh, I agree.

    He is just so touchy, he is a young enfp who seems to bristle whenever I pluck up the courage to point out anything.

    He takes it quite personally, as if my telling him that finding his boxer shorts and wet towel thrown on the floor outside the bathroom without fail for every bath over the year he has been here, is me saying I hate him in some way.

    Or my pointing out that he ate the kids breakfast for his late night snack is rejection, when it's not, I'm just trying to get him to see how his actions effect others.

    Which makes dealing with the even bigger issue, the lack of job or motivation, offputting.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  9. #9
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    just tell him what to do rather than what no to do

    also, passively sharing some of your problems might help

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eckhart View Post
    However, if you notice that (s)he does not change anything after your approach, you should maybe confront and ask why (s)he acts like that. I believe often there is more reasons behind something like that other than just being lazy. Of course, 18/19 is quite a young age too, but when I would live with some sibling in a household with own children, I would want to leave as soon as possible too. It is different to living with parents.
    you have to be a little careful though. in my experience, ENFPs are somewhat reluctant to abide to a lifestyle choice just because they have to

    which is why i said share some of your problems and frustrations with him. not as in you are trying to make him see it and hoping he will do something about it. just express them the way you would to a friend . he WILL see them and be motivated to contribute

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