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  1. #51
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Hey, BE, I forgot to come back and see your reply! Sorry! I know how hard it is to deal with someone who doesn't want to get help for themselves.

    I think maybe I'd approach it as, "I know you're having a hard time, and I don't want to make it harder for you. But I also can't keep supporting you, because it's making things hard on me financially, while you get to stay here and eat for free. And I don't mind having you here, but it wasn't my intention to do this long-term. So maybe you tell me what you think is a fair contribution?" And go from there. Maybe it will help to give him a say in the matter, and he will understand by implication that things are going to change, but you can figure out together how to make that change.
    Something Witty

  2. #52
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    But I thought it sounded like she already tried to play the supportive but concerned role.

    Anyways, Berb you can't listen to another ENFP on this anyways, you need the hard truth!
    dis she? oh... only read the op...it was late sorry.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  3. #53
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ergophobe View Post
    How did it go, Berbs?
    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    Yes, progress report.
    Shamefully I am only just able to report any progress today, as today was when I finally plucked up the courage to speak to him

    Final prompting came when I opened my phone bill to be confronted by an additional 70 in call fees.

    I didn't explode though, although initially I almost did.

    I just called him in the room and told him we needed to speak, that my behaviour of late has been because I need to talk to him and not having been able to do it......ie I've basically been a hermit in my room whenever he is around, because being in the same room as him was making it hard to fight my anger.

    Anyway, I told him how I felt, he ended up crying, I think he felt attacked but I stressed constantly that this was not an attack. I'm not sure if he wanted a hug, I wanted to comfort him because I could see he was down about it, but I find hugging people difficult, with the gender stuff I was raised with, hugging a man, even a family member is not done, so I couldn't comfort him properly.

    I didn't give any ultimatums, just pointed out how difficult it is for me financially to maintain caring for him, and that it's been well over a year now. That I was concerned he wasn't doing enough to change the situation, and of course how worried I am about him and his future.

    He promised to try harder, re-assured me that he knew I wasn't trying to attack him, or that I was saying he wasn't welcome here.

    Although I feel alot better for having tackled the subject finally, the fact that he cried is sticking with me, and now I am struggling with feelings of guilt lol.

    Damn my emotions.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  4. #54
    Senior Member pyramid's Avatar
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    I'd say that a crafty and effective xNFP, able to comply with steps 1 and 2 (which are not unreasonable and things struggling with will benefit you -- you jobless xNFP ) should be able to stretch or eliminate step 3 or rework in a more reasonable situation.

    my inner judgmental realist say after 6 months of (say: minimum wage) job I don't know if someone can handle expenses completely on their own. I believe in you though! after you show a concrete effort and start helping out in more ways the older sibling might not feel so inclined to push you away.

    Overall I feel the first two demands are loving, the last demand is a result of stressors

  5. #55
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    70?! That would get my blood boiling. Thankfully the ENFP brother I have was on the job trail day one and pretty much has had a job since day 2 to help pay for things - then again, he's 24.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  6. #56
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    enfp's need to feel there are opportunities out there and also need (especially when young) to know that taking a job now -- any job -- in no way limits their choices for the future. I recommend, now that you've talked to him, that you focus your efforts on helping him see what OPPORTUNITIES are there and that he can pursue one or several wholeheartedly while still having all options open for the future. nfp's need to feel they are being authentic and your brother may be scared he will lose himself if he takes the wrong path. If he feels you are trying to get him to abandon his true self and become an SJ who just has a job, any job, he will resist. Remind him you are in it (as emotional support and an ear for exploring his own authenticity, not as an all-providing mother) for the long haul. Remember, you are his ally (and a great one -- lucky him to have an nfp sister) in his journey toward self fulfillment. (He might benefit from taking a career aptitude test, too, although that would tend him toward school probably rather than job). Make sure he understands he has many, many years ahead of him to make course corrections. Taking a step -- any step -- is better than none at all. Also, isolated enfps are often unhappy. Getting out there "in the world" will make him feel better.

  7. #57
    Striving for balance Little Linguist's Avatar
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    No way! In fact, I did something very similar, and it worked wonders. When you stand up for yourself, people start respecting you more.

  8. #58
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    Glad you had the conversation Berbs. Don't let the guilt take away from the immense courage it took to have the conversation - we all need to stand up for ourselves sometimes and especially you for your kids

    It's clear that you care for your brother greatly and since you are the adult figure in his life, you will have to be firm with him sometimes, like a parent would. You're teaching him a really important life lesson, one about taking responsibility for oneself. It's difficult but he's lucky to have you around to support him. It's always better once you've had these difficult conversations. At least you can be your self around him instead of feeling that constant resentment. Give him some time and space to figure things out and take good care of yourself.

    Thanks for the update.

  9. #59
    Member Phenix's Avatar
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    I'm thinking that if you are both 'P' types you might want to put some milestones on paper and set a regular date to review them. This might also take the high focus in the 'F' realm out of the picture if you are both focusing on the plan and not each other. I would hold firm on the drop dead date and start asking questions about what he is going to do on that date as it gets closer.

    I admire your courage for taking this up with him. I would have had to write a letter I think.

  10. #60
    Member niberrizbe25's Avatar
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    I think that it is a neccesary step. The xnfp described is probably lost in some self contemplation. The work and structure would be very beneficial so that he or she can find their footing in their Fi function. You are not being unfair and he or she will probably understand in the long run that it was needed. Plus the feeling of contributing will probably sit well with their idealistic mentality, giving rise to his/her moral integrity; They will probably find it better to succeed at other endevours.
    I speak from personal experience. My father made me contribute for the household as soon as I was able to work legally (green card!) I find satisfaction from the independence. Plus being in a working environment helped me find discipline and balance productivity with my head in the clouds nature hahaha! I hope the best for you and your siblin.
    P.s. those tatoos are wicked sexy. Got to find me a pair of legs like those! hahaha!

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