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  1. #41
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ergophobe View Post
    Hey lady! Your brother sounds like a very sweet, lost young man. I agree with Tallulah that he may be depressed. He still has to take responsibility for getting help though. You can't be everything to him. Definitely take a strong stand but do it kindly. I don't know what the exact financial situation is so please do what's best for you and your kids.

    Explain the situation to him especially that concerning the kids and how they are different because they are not old enough to take care of themselves like he is. Ask him for his "help" in taking care of himself and becoming independent - tell him you need him to do that for all of you. I think your strategy is wise. Just don't take away everything at once. There's no reason you should be providing him pocket money. Even parents don't do that beyond 18 for many of us. I'd ask him to start contributing an X amount towards rent and food in 4-6 weeks. That's plenty of time to find a job, any job even flipping burgers to make that rent. Everyone can find something. He is a man and I understand well the pride that stops them from doing a job they consider beneath him. You not enabling him by providing for him will help him overcome that. Everyone has to start somewhere. If he fails to do that then consider turning him out.

    As you take away physical support in food and shelter, offer more non-material support. see if you can just ask him what's going on. Be there more which must be mighty difficult if you're playing the mother role to your kids and him. That's what siblings can do in the long run, right. He's fortunate to have you in his life and that you're an ENFP. Slowly move to offering more comfort and encouragement and less material support.

    That's what I have got out of this thread now, I won't give an ultimatum, but I will make my boundaries clear but do it in a way that makes him feel like I need him in on this with me, camaraderie so to speak.

    This feels right at least, the ultimatum felt like me not being me.

    Quote Originally Posted by FireyPheonix View Post
    Na, you are not being unreasonable.
    I've been unemployed for a bit, it's tough out there. It's easy to lose motivation and give up. A good kick up the butt is maybe what he needs.
    The fear of starving is a BIG motivator. I can understand losing momentum, but some times you have to keep going even though all you want to do is curl up and sleep the days away. I've survived a failure in business, and potential homelessness, and I tell you nothing feels better than knowing, soon, I'll be standing on my two feet again. Seriously, he might not like it at the time, but in the long run, he'll feel better for it once he's got a job and is contributing.
    I was even tempted to put a lock on the kitchen as he raids my fridge and cupboard once I go to bed and I end up needing to replace things so quickly lol but I would rather it was done off his own back and his own understanding.

    Glad to hear things are getting better for you though.

    Thanks everyone for your kind words and supportive ideas.

    I feel like I have a more workable solution now at least.

    Now, to call a family meeting muahahahaha feel so grown up.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

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  2. #42
    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
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    If all these other tactics end up failing, you can always exaggerate money problems. Make him feel really low for being such a sponge on your resources (you xNFPs can be pretty good at laying on the guilt ). Tell him you're not going to take food out of your kids mouths because you have to fully support a grown brother. An appeal to empathy.

    Although, possibly, one of the reasons why he doesn't feel enough incentive to work, is that he knows a lot of it will have to go to paying his fair share in the household. That would be weak.

  3. #43
    Senior Member mr.awesome's Avatar
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    sounds kinda like step brothers...
    nonetheless... i am going to be in this exact situation a year from now. i live with my sister on and off, always just have been mooching off her family. while i will start living with her full time next year. i think she will help me out once in awhile, like food and whatnot. everything else is totally me though. i dont think your sibling is being offensive.. theyve just gotten to the point where they had to bring it up. so they did. i personally would feel pretty bummed. but its totally understandable.
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  4. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    What would not be rude to you?
    getting rid of ultimatums (when talking about family, anyway)

  5. #45
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    yeah i agree that it's not rude but personally i'd say it differently.

    i would likely say...
    i need you to know this is not easy for me and i do it because i care about what happens to you...i need you to show me that you're doing something to change the situation...and show the same concern for me as i am you...try to get a job...really try...and then after saving a bit you'll be able to get your own place...it's not easy for anyone starting out on their own but we all have to do it.

    hugs n all that
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  6. #46
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    How did it go, Berbs?

  7. #47
    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
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    Yes, progress report.

  8. #48
    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    yeah i agree that it's not rude but personally i'd say it differently.

    i would likely say...
    i need you to know this is not easy for me and i do it because i care about what happens to you...i need you to show me that you're doing something to change the situation...and show the same concern for me as i am you...try to get a job...really try...and then after saving a bit you'll be able to get your own place...it's not easy for anyone starting out on their own but we all have to do it.

    hugs n all that
    But I thought it sounded like she already tried to play the supportive but concerned role.

    Anyways, Berb you can't listen to another ENFP on this anyways, you need the hard truth!

  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Looking to hear from both INFP's and ENFP's.

    Lets say you are 18 going on 19, you have been living with an older sibling for over a year. During this time you have not been in a position to provide for yourself, which means you have been relying on this sibling for food, clothing, shelter, spending money etc. Even though this sibling has 3 children already and is struggling to make ends meet anyway.

    Not only that, but for that entire year your efforts to get a job or make some kind of plan for the future has been next to non existant or minimal at best.

    This older sibling cracks and tells you:

    1 - You have 3 months to show an improvement in regards to trying to get a job, ie a visual change or you are out.

    2 - When you get that job, you need to provide some money towards your share of things instead of relying on the sibling anymore.

    3 - You have 6 months from getting the job to move out.


    Is this rude?

    Would you feel offended or would you honestly understand the motivating factors and forgive me for being "harsh"?

    Is there a better way to approach this?

    I have tried being silently supportive, but that has led to a year of mooching off of me with no effort to improve.

    I feel like being nice is only making things worse.
    I am not INFP or ENFP, but 1 & 2 seem fine. With step 3 I would wait to see how 1 & 2 pan out. I mean if 1 causes them to move out you have no need to bring up step 3.

    It just comes across as "you want me out no matter what" the response I would expect would be for the person to be offended and just jump to the end result and leave.
    Im out, its been fun

  10. #50
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Wow, why didn't I see this? I have never been in that situation before since I've always made the effort to be come helpful or independant. I don't see an issue with those requirements though I could see the recipiant feeling a little indignant for some time if their not mature enough to handle it. I wouldn't be surprised if you'll end up the bad guy for some time before that sibling grows up enough to see why you did it; by then she'll likely be more thankful for it than if you had just caved and let the current situation continue. If that doesn't happen, though, do you really want to have her around if she won't appreciate it, even if only eventually?
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