That's what I have got out of this thread now, I won't give an ultimatum, but I will make my boundaries clear but do it in a way that makes him feel like I need him in on this with me, camaraderie so to speak.
This feels right at least, the ultimatum felt like me not being me.
Glad to hear things are getting better for you though.
Thanks everyone for your kind words and supportive ideas.
I feel like I have a more workable solution now at least.
Now, to call a family meeting muahahahaha feel so grown up.