i'm an enfp, and i'm pretty aware of when i do something that isn't right. however, sometimes i want someone else to validate me or justify that my actions were warranted or that what i did wasn't THAT bad. i feel like i'm so hard on myself anyway that i don't really need someone to further affirm that what i did was potentially wrong.
here's my example...
last night, i asked istp out for a drink KNOWING that i had told friends that i would meet up with them for quizzo later. at any rate, i had always planned on going to quizzo, but i figured i could do both. i ended up going super late and basically missed the whole thing. all my friends were totally mad at me and ended up leaving right when i arrived. i normally would have given them a heads up that i had lost track of time, but i had left my phone in my car when i was with istp and failed to respond to the TEN individual text messages they sent me asking where i was. i felt awful for letting them down: a) because i don't want to ever be the girl who dumps her friends for her guy (so i feel like perhaps i went against one of my own personal values here) and b) because i told them i would be there.
at any rate, i expressed to istp how i felt about the situation and he said something like "well, you know what you did was wrong, so you should just apologize." i can't explain why, but i bristled when he said this to me. i guess maybe because i felt like he didn't realize the whole situation. i explained to istp that quizzo goes on every week. i invite people EVERY WEEK. they rarely show up, they bail last minute, and they always make me feel bad when i miss their social events (which is rare). not to mention, i said, none of them would be friends in the first place if i hadn't introduced them all to each other! (i guess it's like i sort of want to put the fun into action and then let it run on its own without feeling the burden of responsibility to keep it spinning)
istp goes to me, "so you want a pass." "yes! i want a pass!"
you'd think that would be the end of our conversation, but NO!
i can see all this happening, and i'm telling istp how i feel and all these feelings of letting my friends down are whirling about me, and then i start thinking: "well, now istp thinks i'm a horrible friend too." and, i just feel awful and i think, "well, now i'm just a stupid girl who can't take criticism from an istp who is only telling the truth and trying to be helpful." and then i think, "i don't value my relationships enough. i should give all my friends gift baskets for being so terrible!"
i guess when it comes down to it, i feel like i do a lot for my friends and i'm weary of being taken advantage of and angry that i have to always be held to this high standard. this high standard i obviously cast upon myself and this image is only fueled by the fact that istp somehow has this idealized view of me (which i secretly like). so now not only have i not kept up with my own personal standard (which i despise at times like this), but now istp probably thinks i'm fake (which horrifies me).
at any rate, i wish there wasn't such a crazy whirlwind of feelings involved in everything i do. or, i wish i knew how to cope with them better. i don't know what i should ask istp to do when i come to him vulnerably expressing my feelings. obviously, he cannot help but be honest with me. he wanted to know what his stance should be and i couldn't tell him. frankly, maybe it's my issue that i can't take criticism. thing is, i don't really know how to be like logical about it-- "okay, i did something wrong. i apologize. it's over." NO! instead i berate myself a thousand times over until i feel like i've suffered enough for being an idiot.
bah, any suggestions for me? please tread lightly. i still feel bad about it this morning.