User Tag List

First 123 Last

Results 11 to 20 of 30

  1. #11
    That's my name biotch! JoSunshine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    eNfj
    Enneagram
    2
    Posts
    660

    Default

    I hear you girl! I know exactly how you feel. I beat myself up whenever I let someone down...but in the end that is really my problem. Here are my thoughts...said with nothing but love:

    I think it is entirely possible that when the istp said, "You're wrong. Apologize." It stung becuase you think his assesment is RIGHT. For example if he said, "You're a caterpillar. Apologize." You wouldn't be upset...you would think he was nuts, becuase it is so far from the truth. The bristling is simply a defense mechanism becuase he is hitting a place that hurts.

    The real question is not who is right and who is wrong, but why does it hurt? As an ENFP (as is true with ENFJs), we tend to have issues understanding or aknowledging our underlying NEGATIVE feelings. So how do you feel (never mind what everyone else is feeling about you). Do you feel guilty? Do you feel rejected by your friends becuase of their response? Misunderstood? Drained? Do you feel like a disappointment? Figure out what YOU are feeling and then ask yourself why you are having those feelings.

    I feel very guilty when I let people down, but I am learning (and it is work) to talk to people about things and to set boundaries. Its REALLY, REALLY hard to do at first, but then it gets easier. Maybe you need to talk to your friends about their expectations of you and explain how it makes YOU feel to feel like you have to be everytig to everyone and then change their expantancies.

    I have been doing this for the past year and I had some really rough patches with some of my friends (becuase they resisted the changes) but I had to do it for my sanity and I kept telling myself, if someone doesn't want to be my friend because I won't cater to their every whim, is it really a friend worth having? But I have to reiderate, it really is about getting in touch with your own emotions and needs and then CLEARLY articulating what you want and why you want it to the people around you. As NFs we are kind of "mind readers" at times...most people aren't. Give people a chance to succeed in making you happy by telling them what you need from them.

    Life is MUCH easier for me now than it was a couple years ago (although I am still a work in proccess), but it has indeed taken a lot of hard work to get here.

    Good luck. I know how you feel
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. " - Dr. Seuss
    I can't spell...get over it

    Slightly ENFJ, totally JoSunshine
    Extroverted (E) 52.5%........Introverted (I) 47.5%
    Intuitive (N) 65.63%..........Sensing (S) 34.38%
    Feeling (F) 55.56%............Thinking (T) 44.44%
    Judging (J) 51.43%............Perceiving (P) 48.57%

  2. #12
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Socionics
    ENFp
    Posts
    878

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    To me, the above is really the key. I definitely relate to your "wanting justification" thing and ESPECIALLY if your friends behave as you say above. They are being more than a little hypocritical in making you feel really bad about this, if it's their habit to not show up, bail, etc etc. You obviously said sorry on this occasion, and you would have let them know if you could but you didn't have your phone. I also think ISTP was being rather unhelpful and legalistic about this and not realising how that would hurt your feelings more.

    I completely sympathize. It can be a really nasty feeling if people deliberately make you feel bad for something that isn't really that huge a deal, and from what you said, I'm pretty sure you apologised at least up to a point (and I don't think grovelling is exactly appropriate for a situation like this.) If your friends are in the habit of doing the same thing without being particularly apologetic, and if they then ream you out if you make the same mistake, or if you miss their social occasions, it frankly sounds like they are being jerks. It makes me really angry and upset when people blame you and deliberately make you feel bad when you make the same mistakes they make, especially if you try to fix it to the best of your ability. That happened to me recently (though quite a different situation from the above) and my friendship with the person involved has at the very least suffered serious damage as a result.

    By the way, along the same lines of the "wanting justification for your own actions" thing, I also find myself badly wanting people who have hurt me, acted badly, etc etc to come back and acknowledge their own mistake to me (especially if I made a mistake, acted hurtfully etc but made a point of acknowledging it and apologising.) Unfortunately, you can sometimes end up waiting a lifetime for those acknowledgements.

    Hope you feel better soon...
    thank you for what you said. see, i think the above comforting paragraphs is what i was asking istp to do and perhaps he tried (or perhaps not) to the best of his ability to communicate that. i think i needed to feel understood....and, wanted to hear that perhaps sure, maybe i let people down, but it was not as big of a deal as i was making it, and everything was going to end up okay in the end. i can recognize that istp wasn't trying to be intentionally mean about it, but his lack of sensitivity to me still made me feel awful. not to mention the argumentative tone he took with me about how all women never really want to hear the truth when i was so clearly upset by his matter-of-fact statement. it didn't feel like he had my best interest at heart, but maybe i should lower my expectations of him.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Socionics
    ENFp
    Posts
    878

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    I'm just curious if the situation was as dire or if you're just working yourself up.

    I don't think the ISTP was deliberately making you feel bad. You asked if you were wrong and he said yes. What's the big deal about that? Are people not allowed to tell other people when they are wrong? If so, then why ask?

    I feel bad for you, OP, that you get so stressed out over things like this. I'm sorry that you feel so badly about the whole situation. But my guess is that it isn't as stressful as your brain is telling you it is.
    probably inflated the whole situation (am prone to do that), but i wasn't entirely sure. and maybe, i was thinking that istp (being a T) would tell me it wasn't such a big deal and i was as you said, "working myself up" over nothing... or maybe something, but that it would be fine.

    yes, my brain breeds stress.

  4. #14
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Socionics
    ENFp
    Posts
    878

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Because she's an NF!! We stay upset about things and don't move on for way too long, speaking for myself anyway
    yeah, i wish i could get past things quicker... it's a gift to be able to do that. sometimes i feel like relationships are more trouble than they are worth.

    someone said in a post somewhere that people think being an enfp is like this:



    but that in reality it is more like this:



    so true.

  5. #15
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Socionics
    ENFp
    Posts
    878

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by JoSunshine View Post
    I think it is entirely possible that when the istp said, "You're wrong. Apologize." It stung becuase you think his assesment is RIGHT. For example if he said, "You're a caterpillar. Apologize." You wouldn't be upset...you would think he was nuts, becuase it is so far from the truth. The bristling is simply a defense mechanism becuase he is hitting a place that hurts.

    The real question is not who is right and who is wrong, but why does it hurt? As an ENFP (as is true with ENFJs), we tend to have issues understanding or aknowledging our underlying NEGATIVE feelings. So how do you feel (never mind what everyone else is feeling about you). Do you feel guilty? Do you feel rejected by your friends becuase of their response? Misunderstood? Drained? Do you feel like a disappointment? Figure out what YOU are feeling and then ask yourself why you are having those feelings.
    thank you for the post and the hug.

    i like this question, and i was simultaneously wondering it as it was happening. "wait, wait, why am i feeling like this?!!" it was a million different feelings that collided all at once. and, even if i am having them all, then i wonder... what am i supposed to do with them?

    for example, i guess i am afraid that istp will misunderstand the situation and think that i am a horrible friend and not want me anymore. i feel this way because i wouldn't want to be friends with someone who didn't show up at events that they said they'd be at. granted, it was one occasion and they do it to me all the time, but still... perhaps, he will see it as being reflective of my whole character and person. in which case, i guess i could hardly blame him. i don't know. i get in these stressful cycles of feeling and meaning and can't seem to get out sometimes. he didn't text me right away this morning and i had a complete internal meltdown. it's ridiculous. i know it's ridiculous! but, i don't know how to turn it off.

    in other words, i can analyze my feelings to death, understand why i feel them, but then do not know how to cut myself loose from them...

  6. #16
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    MBTI
    INTP
    Posts
    6,028

    Default

    I have an ENFP friend that is always wanting justification so she won't feel so bad, but when she does, it's usually because she did do something that wasn't so great. In this case, what you did wasn't terrible, but you did lose track of time and not contact your friends to let them know, so what's so wrong with apologizing for that? If it happened to me, I'd feel bad about it, knowing my friends were expecting me to come, and being worried about me when I didn't answer texts. So I'd just apologize when I got there, to let them know I felt bad and wasn't intentionally blowing them off.

    It seems odd to me that you'd rather someone not tell you the truth, so you can not feel bad about it, when it would be easy to just own up to it, rather than beating yourself up about it.

    I think the problem is you're probably building it up too much in your mind in the first place, so it seems like you owe them each a quart of blood, when you just needed to acknowledge you were scatterbrained. It's not that big a deal, but I don't think you need to be told you have no responsibility in the matter.
    Something Witty

  7. #17
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    MBTI
    GONE
    Posts
    9,051

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    I think the problem is you're probably building it up too much in your mind in the first place, so it seems like you owe them each a quart of blood, when you just needed to acknowledge you were scatterbrained. It's not that big a deal, but I don't think you need to be told you have no responsibility in the matter.
    Exactly, I think you just need to put it in perspective.

    I think you are reading the experience of feeling brushed off/or getting a cold reception from your friends as unfair because in your head it's all about how they appreciate you, everything you've done for them, etc. I understand, it's good (lol, well you know, comforting) to hear that this is a type trait. ENFPs can get really worked up about things because they are never as simple and straight forward as they seem.

    This basically just hit a nerve for you which you summed up. The best way to deal with it is to separate all the things that are going on, between the "what actually happened in this even" to "what am I reading into or out of this event"?

    It also helps if you don't assume the worst about people - i.e. "my friends got mad at me because they always take advantage of me and don't appreciate me and secretly don't really like me that much etc. etc. etc."

    If it is a shared ENFP type thing, in a week or four, you'll look back and have a totally relaxed perspective on this and wonder how you got so worked up.

    I think also NFPs can have a hard time separating criticism of an act, a mistake, or even pointing out a general flaw (timeliness) with overall judgement or dislike or disrespect for our person.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  8. #18
    mrs disregard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFP
    Posts
    7,855

    Default

    Two wrongs don't make a right. And a bunch of rights don't right a wrong.

    Just because you're always the one inviting people and being blown off doesn't mean it's perfectly fine for you to say you'll show up and then not.

    Push your pride aside and apologise. That is, if you even feel bad.

    I can understand feeling bad but letting anger eclipse all traces of guilt when you're called out for what you've done, but owning up to your wrongs feels so good.

  9. #19
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Socionics
    ENFp
    Posts
    878

    Default

    Push your pride aside and apologise. That is, if you even feel bad.
    oh, of course i apologized! and with all sincerity! and, i STILL felt bad afterwards.

    It seems odd to me that you'd rather someone not tell you the truth, so you can not feel bad about it, when it would be easy to just own up to it, rather than beating yourself up about it.

    I think the problem is you're probably building it up too much in your mind in the first place, so it seems like you owe them each a quart of blood, when you just needed to acknowledge you were scatterbrained. It's not that big a deal, but I don't think you need to be told you have no responsibility in the matter.
    right, but it's not especially helpful to be told something i already know. i did own up to it, but i still have a difficult time letting it go and so do my friends, apparently.

  10. #20
    That's my name biotch! JoSunshine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    eNfj
    Enneagram
    2
    Posts
    660

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    it was a million different feelings that collided all at once. and, even if i am having them all, then i wonder... what am i supposed to do with them?

    in other words, i can analyze my feelings to death, understand why i feel them, but then do not know how to cut myself loose from them...
    Ahhhh...I have a saying that feelings are like the wind and you can't stop them from blowing. You can only set your sails to have them carry you in a certain direction.

    I wondered the very same thing, many, many times...What am I supposed to do with all these feelings???? For me the answer is get them out...get them outside of myself and into the world. I used to (and I admit still do at times) talk to a third party looking for VALIDATION of my feelings. You used the word justified, but I suspect you may be looking more for someone to justify your feelings (about the situation), rather than justifying your actions. The thing about going to a third party is that we REALLY want our feelings to be validated by the person we feel wronged by so any relief we feel is fleeting when we go the third party route.

    As for me, going to the person I am feeling conflicted about and talking to them about my feelings is the only solution. It is the only thing that lifts the weight off of my shoulders. I was taught long, long ago that my feelings didn't matter and I was only valued (and loved) by tending to others emotions and needs while smiling, always being "happy" and never complaining, so having these discussions is extremely difficult sometimes. I have learned through an arduous process that people seem to receive me well when I focus on how I am feeling and not what they did "wrong" - especially because the issue is entirely in my head half the time. It almost always leads to a very good result and not the train wreck I was imagining in my head. Does that make sense?
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. " - Dr. Seuss
    I can't spell...get over it

    Slightly ENFJ, totally JoSunshine
    Extroverted (E) 52.5%........Introverted (I) 47.5%
    Intuitive (N) 65.63%..........Sensing (S) 34.38%
    Feeling (F) 55.56%............Thinking (T) 44.44%
    Judging (J) 51.43%............Perceiving (P) 48.57%

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 294
    Last Post: 10-07-2017, 08:07 PM
  2. What do you want!?
    By Littlelostnf in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 29
    Last Post: 09-03-2007, 03:42 PM
  3. Where do you want me to stick this?
    By Oberon in forum Welcomes and Introductions
    Replies: 77
    Last Post: 07-25-2007, 04:57 PM
  4. Why your diet may not be working like you want...
    By sdalek in forum Health and Fitness
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 07-03-2007, 08:01 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO