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  1. #11
    garbage
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    I think the secret, when it comes to your own problems, is to not be as invested in the outcome as you're naturally prone to do. Accept that a situation could unfold in many different ways, then accept the worst among them. Then treat yourself as you would treat a friend in terms of giving advice and dealing with the problem.

    Easier said than done, though, and it doesn't apply to every problem out there. But it's a start.

  2. #12
    Magical BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by greed View Post
    First thought: others' problems are easier to deal with because we're farther removed from them, no matter how empathetic we are. We're careful when we deal with others' problems, sure, but we're not as prone to getting caught up in any resultant anxiety that prevents us from dealing with them.
    Yeah, this. I often find myself helping others with their problems, and I do like knowing that I'm useful to someone in that way. The only time it's more difficult for me to deal with problems, my own or other's, is when there isn't an immediate solution or a solution that I can find in general. It just really irks me when you can't solve a problem or take action on it.

    I don't really feel deep empathy unless I've experienced their problem, and it's difficult for me to do sympathy unless I have respect for the person and know that they would do the same for me. Sympathy doesn't really come naturally to me like it does to NFs it seems.
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  3. #13
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    I can't deal with other people's problems. I am the go-to girl for advice or motivation, but it's hard for me to coddle someone else. I'll feel sad for the person, but after the first 2 or 3 times I've repeated myself, I really just want to get the hell out of there. Most people grieving or emotional don't want alternative solutions to sadness, they want to feel sad and wallow in it. I am not able to hang around for an extended period of time in situations like that. I'm trying, but I'm still not there yet. But I'll do things for you. I can handle your bills or reschedule your appointments or buy you groceries. I'll come over every day and cook your meals or watch your kids.

  4. #14
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Much easier dealing with my own than others' problems, mainly because I think I have access to better information. For others, I'll give you my advice and thoughts and you can take it or leave it. Sometimes I am hesitant to give advice though because I think there is more pressure to be right than it is with myself, or I'm worried my advice will be interpreted incorrectly, misunderstood, and the resulting difficulty will be "my fault." I know I am not like others so my methods or thoughts won't work for most people. Instead, I try to guide someone's thoughts into reaching their own conclusion, instead of adding a perspective I think won't be understood.

    The difficulty increases however, when someone else's problem becomes my problem, and I can't get them to do what I think they need to do. Very, very frustrating. So I try not to concern myself with others as much as I can get away with.



  5. #15
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    I can't deal with other people's problems. I am the go-to girl for advice or motivation, but it's hard for me to coddle someone else. I'll feel sad for the person, but after the first 2 or 3 times I've repeated myself, I really just want to get the hell out of there. Most people grieving or emotional don't want alternative solutions to sadness, they want to feel sad and wallow in it. I am not able to hang around for an extended period of time in situations like that. I'm trying, but I'm still not there yet. But I'll do things for you. I can handle your bills or reschedule your appointments or buy you groceries. I'll come over every day and cook your meals or watch your kids.
    I'm similar, except more internalized about it -- I'm not particularly good at actually organizing someone's life, although I'm great with advice and encouragement and reframing things for people. I also am a wonderful listener, people say they feel safe, and know they can tell me anything without needing to feel embarrassed or ashamed. I'm also quick to grasp their perspective.

    But I can't put off a lot of emo/sympathy vibes, it's more abstracted or channeled in other ways. I sometimes envy people who can do that.

    I also don't have a lot of patience for people who want to wallow. I'm pretty quick to discern who just needs to dump before they get moving to fix something vs who just wants to be coddled and otherwise do nothing, and the latter quickly begins to repulse me. If I sense they cannot do better, I try to be patient... but I usually just want out.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

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  6. #16
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I also am a wonderful listener, people say they feel safe, and know they can tell me anything without needing to feel embarrassed or ashamed. I'm also quick to grasp their perspective.

    But I can't put off a lot of emo/sympathy vibes, it's more abstracted or channeled in other ways. I sometimes envy people who can do that.

    I also don't have a lot of patience for people who want to wallow. I'm pretty quick to discern who just needs to dump before they get moving to fix something vs who just wants to be coddled and otherwise do nothing, and the latter quickly begins to repulse me. If I sense they cannot do better, I try to be patient... but I usually just want out.
    Yes, all of this exactly.

  7. #17
    Magical BlackCat's Avatar
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    Oh god I relate a lot to what you NTPs are saying. I hate it when people don't really want to solve their problems when they come to me, but just want to wallow. I get this feeling of "well why bother if it isn't being fixed?" And when that happens I lose motivation to try to help.

    (Sometimes I wonder whether I'm actually an ISTP. But I doubt it.)
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  8. #18
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    I can't deal with other people's problems. I am the go-to girl for advice or motivation, but it's hard for me to coddle someone else. I'll feel sad for the person, but after the first 2 or 3 times I've repeated myself, I really just want to get the hell out of there. Most people grieving or emotional don't want alternative solutions to sadness, they want to feel sad and wallow in it. I am not able to hang around for an extended period of time in situations like that. I'm trying, but I'm still not there yet. But I'll do things for you. I can handle your bills or reschedule your appointments or buy you groceries. I'll come over every day and cook your meals or watch your kids.
    Well, to me, being there for practical things is still "dealing with others' problems" in your own way. I'm not as good on that side, I'm better at saying the right thing, crying with them, etc etc. If you're doing the practical stuff, it's certainly not like you're just running away and not wanting to get involved at all. You're helping in your own (practical!) way. Both are often needed - someone who could do both the empathy and the practical stuff would be fantastic!
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  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    I hate it when people don't really want to solve their problems when they come to me, but just want to wallow.
    Yeah, we've all got our limits when it comes to this

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