[INFP] INFP "nurturing"

[dani_elle]

I have this INFP school friend who I'm not particularly close to but shes okay to have the occasional chat to and stuff. Shes a pretty nice person but recently I've noticed some rather odd behaviour.

Once we were discussing about our grades (cos we both want to take honours after our degree) and she mentioned she may not be able to as her grades were slipping.

I told her not to give up because I had pretty lacklustre grades at the beginning of our course and with some work I managed to improve.

She then went on to say something along the lines that it was because I was friends with HER. Er, okay. I basically replied something along the lines of "Er, thanks for taking credit for my successes."

Just today, I was jokingly commenting on how she kept commenting on my recent Facebook photo album as we have this ongoing inside joke about how we always flirt with each other and stuff.

She went: "Oh its because noone was paying attention to your upload and so I was being polite, so I decided to leave some comments."

Huge HUH again. I mentioned other people have left comments and she claimed it was only AFTER she left hers. (????) Whats ironic though is three other people already had commented before she did, but I didn't bring that up.

What's the reason for this behaviour? Is she REALLY secretly trying to "nurture" me in ways I don't notice or something? (Like helping with grades, etc.) Granted, she does help out by telling me what goes on when I'm not present but I think its quite ridiculous for her to assume I'm so dependent on her when most of the grades I get is through my own merit. In a sense I feel she's trying to fish for compliments or something but if I have something nice to say I usually would have said it, so...

Ever notice such behaviour in other INFPs?

 

[Wiley45]

I don't know what everyone else's experiences are, but I don't think it's typical for INFP's to take credit for this sort of thing unless they're insecure.

I do try to help people a lot, but I generally do it behind the scenes without mentioning it, and I notice other INFP's doing the same thing. For instance, I was at another INFP's apartment looking at pictures on his TV a couple weeks ago. There were some pictures he knew would bother or upset me, so he just flipped through them really fast before they had much of a chance to show up. He didn't make any sort of big deal about it, but I knew what he was doing and why.

I think the majority of INFP's, at least the ones I know, are pretty sensitive to others' feelings, and generally "nice," but they don't typically go around bragging about their "niceness." That type of behavior strikes me as insecurity, especially when the things you mentioned were things you didn't really feel were helpful, or necessary, and the INFP took credit for them anyway.

 

[CrystalViolet]

Dude,
I think I heard this before...I don't know the particulars, so I won't comment until I know more. I need more details.
It reminds me of a situation, a bunch of my friends got in....but again I need more details.
P.S. Hmmm, I've never claimed anyone else's academic success, mainly because I was far too independent, and less likely to share info with other students. I'm a misanthrope when it comes academia.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Well, that sounds annoying....

Maybe she wants to imagine herself as nurturing, useful, influential...? I don't relate to this behavior or what seems to be her motivations. Maybe ask her, but without being accusatory so she doesn't get defensive.

I had someone of another type try to get me to give him credit for some positive influence he supposedly had on me, when really he had nothing to do with my outcome. I realized he was just having an insecure moment and needed to feel needed; I decided to take it as a compliment, that he wants to be important to me. Luckily, it's not something he does a lot....

 

[William K]

I don't know what everyone else's experiences are, but I don't think it's typical for INFP's to take credit for this sort of thing unless they're insecure.

I do try to help people a lot, but I generally do it behind the scenes without mentioning it, and I notice other INFP's doing the same thing. For instance, I was at another INFP's apartment looking at pictures on his TV a couple weeks ago. There were some pictures he knew would bother or upset me, so he just flipped through them really fast before they had much of a chance to show up. He didn't make any sort of big deal about it, but I knew what he was doing and why.

I think the majority of INFP's, at least the ones I know, are pretty sensitive to others' feelings, and generally "nice," but they don't typically go around bragging about their "niceness." That type of behavior strikes me as insecurity, especially when the things you mentioned were things you didn't really feel were helpful, or necessary, and the INFP took credit for them anyway.

Yeah, it's a weird paradox. I want to be appreciated but at the same time I don't enjoy bragging about how 'nice' or 'good' I am to someone. This sounds like she is fishing for compliments or just feeling insecure and needing some reassurance that someone at least notices her 'contributions'.

This kind of reminds me of the time back in my CS days when I solved a tough lab assignment in Prolog and the lecturer never found out who was the source of the 60+ facsimile answers that got handed in...

 

[dani_elle]

Yeah, it's a weird paradox. I want to be appreciated but at the same time I don't enjoy bragging about how 'nice' or 'good' I am to someone.

Ha! yeah I do relate with this, but I think the problem was she was trying to claim credit for weird things that she barely had any influence on. Like commenting on Facebook photos? What? Who needs credit for that?

I don't really know how to deal with it right now at the moment. I can be pretty blunt at times, I think and I definitely DO NOT WANT defensive behaviour.

Maybe she feels I'm not affirming enough. Then again I don't really know if she acts this way only towards me or everyone else has similar experiences.

 

[21%]

Are you sure she's not just joking? It doesn't sound like typical INFP behavior to me...

 

[Parrish]

That really is uncharasteristic behaviour. As mentioned above, I`d like to be recognised for my accomplishments, but at the same time the spotlight makes me really uncomfortable. So helping behind the scenes it is
And I don`t think I`d want to take credit for things the way your INFP friend did. It sounds to me like she didn`t say it in a way to expect a thank you from you, but for you to see what she does for your friendship. Perhaps she was trying to hint that the way she "helped and supported" you, she needs the same in return, but doesn`t want to say anything directly? Maybe she feels like she`s the only one "working" on your friendship. I`m just guessing here, but there is deffinitely some kind of insecurity involved.

P.S. When you talk to her is she usually the one on the listening side? It irritates me sometimes when a "friend" contacts me only when he needs to talk about himself and his problems, it makes me feel like a therapist. I prefer listening to people to talking most of the time and like giving advice if needed, but behaving like friendship is a one way road where I`m the only one giving is pointless in my view.

 

[GirlFromMars]

She sounds insecure, and trying to prove a point...

 

[Orangey]

I have a friend who I suspect is INFP and she does this same sort of "clandestine nurturing" thing, though she never says anything about it unless directly confronted (so she is different from your friend in this respect.)

For instance, if someone gave a presentation in class and no one responded with any interest/questions after the fact, she would often ask something basic or ask for clarification just so that the person did not feel bad about their work. And she makes it seem so natural and genuine! I had no idea that this was what she was doing until she told me outright one day.

While I understand that this type of behavior is motivated by good intentions, it strikes me as a bit patronizing. How can I know whether her actions towards me are genuine and not part of some behind-the-scenes plan to make me feel better or to protect me from emotional harm?

 

[Udog]

Are you sure she's not just joking? It doesn't sound like typical INFP behavior to me...

This is my first guess, as I'll take credit for clearly outrageous things sometimes, and I'll say it as dryly as I can. dani_elle, you should try assuming it's a joke and joke back with her. If she's kidding, she'll enter 'play' mode with you. If she's serious, she'll likely recoil a bit. This way, at least you know.

For instance, if someone gave a presentation in class and no one responded with any interest/questions after the fact, she would often ask something basic or ask for clarification just so that the person did not feel bad about their work. And she makes it seem so natural and genuine! I had no idea that this was what she was doing until she told me outright one day.

You know too much.

While I understand that this type of behavior is motivated by good intentions, it strikes me as a bit patronizing. How can I know whether her actions towards me are genuine and not part of some behind-the-scenes plan to make me feel better or to protect me from emotional harm?

I can do something similar, but Fi doesn't allow me to be particularly disingenuous. If I say something voluntarily, I mean it. If I ask a seemingly generic question, it's still a genuine question and something I'm curious about. It's just that my motivations for asking it may be more complicated than you think.

 

[GirlFromMars]

That's true actually - I have a, um...unique... sense of humour sometimes. She could have just been joking.

 

[disregard]

I have this INFP school friend who I'm not particularly close to but shes okay to have the occasional chat to and stuff. Shes a pretty nice person but recently I've noticed some rather odd behaviour.

Once we were discussing about our grades (cos we both want to take honours after our degree) and she mentioned she may not be able to as her grades were slipping.

I told her not to give up because I had pretty lacklustre grades at the beginning of our course and with some work I managed to improve.

She then went on to say something along the lines that it was because I was friends with HER. Er, okay. I basically replied something along the lines of "Er, thanks for taking credit for my successes."

Just today, I was jokingly commenting on how she kept commenting on my recent Facebook photo album as we have this ongoing inside joke about how we always flirt with each other and stuff.

She went: "Oh its because noone was paying attention to your upload and so I was being polite, so I decided to leave some comments."

Huge HUH again. I mentioned other people have left comments and she claimed it was only AFTER she left hers. (????) Whats ironic though is three other people already had commented before she did, but I didn't bring that up.

What's the reason for this behaviour? Is she REALLY secretly trying to "nurture" me in ways I don't notice or something? (Like helping with grades, etc.) Granted, she does help out by telling me what goes on when I'm not present but I think its quite ridiculous for her to assume I'm so dependent on her when most of the grades I get is through my own merit. In a sense I feel she's trying to fish for compliments or something but if I have something nice to say I usually would have said it, so...

Ever notice such behaviour in other INFPs?

-You think she's an INFP.
-She's taking credit for your success (why you would use the word nurturing is beyond me)
-You're trying to link that to INFP for reasons that escape me (perhaps to help you "know" all "nurturing" people are INFP, or even better.. all INFP possess this unique brand of nurturing, forget the cognitive processes upon which typology is based; an almost superstitious adhesion to a theory you don't even understand is MUCH more rewarding!)

SMH

This shit frustrates me.

 

[Orangey]

You know too much.

I can do something similar, but Fi doesn't allow me to be particularly disingenuous. If I say something voluntarily, I mean it. If I ask a seemingly generic question, it's still a genuine question and something I'm curious about. It's just that my motivations for asking it may be more complicated than you think.

I think that's exactly what she would say (and in fact she might have said something like this before.)

-You think she's an INFP.
-She's taking credit for your success (why you would use the word nurturing is beyond me)
-You're trying to link that to INFP for reasons that escape me (perhaps to help you "know" all "nurturing" people are INFP, forget the cognitive processes upon which typology is based; an almost superstitious adhesion to a theory you don't even understand is MUCH more rewarding!)

Oh dear. I know you're trying to keep it real and everything, but it seems to me that the OP (1) did not make any association between the behavior described and INFPness, (2) did not interpret the behavior as nurturing because she (or he?) thinks her friend is INFP, and (3) did not make any theoretical claims.

Instead, it seems to me that the OP (1) was asking IF there was a link between the behavior and INFPness (as opposed to suggesting that there definitely is one), (2) interpreted the behavior as nurturing because her friend is not generally malicious and she wanted to give her the most generous interpretation possible (plus it is not absurd to construe the behavior as misguided nurturing), and (3) asked if anybody else's experiences accorded in an attempt to test whether her observations were specific to her friend or generalizable to a type level.

Your comment is therefore thoroughly unnecessary.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Are you sure she's not just joking? It doesn't sound like typical INFP behavior to me...

That's true actually - I have a, um...unique... sense of humour sometimes. She could have just been joking.

I'm wondering if it's weird humor now. I used to make these "because I'm so good-looking" jokes around a friend, and I can be kind of dry, and she thought I was serious for awhile and thought I was totally vain. That was embarrassing....I completely 100% joking.

My sense of humor can be to say things which are absurd in a serious way....I thought the sheer ludicrousness of the statements would make it clear, but I've learned that too many people do not grasp that I am joking. I use that joking style selectively now.

Otherwise, her behavior is foreign to me.

 

[dani_elle]

P.S. When you talk to her is she usually the one on the listening side? It irritates me sometimes when a "friend" contacts me only when he needs to talk about himself and his problems, it makes me feel like a therapist. I prefer listening to people to talking most of the time and like giving advice if needed, but behaving like friendship is a one way road where I`m the only one giving is pointless in my view.

Hmm, maybe. If I notice she's quiet or uncomfortable about something I usually sound her out indirectly though and I will listen to her if I pick up on anything wrong.

And yeah I was just curious if its an INFP thing. By the way, she's the one who evaluated herself as INFP. I think she is, but I honestly don't know her well enough to fully judge.